


The Other Side of the Bookcase

by Bad_Romance



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: AU where Izaya and Shinra never met, Awkward Crush, Badboy!Shizuo, Bookworm Izaya, Canon-Typical Violence, High School AU, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masochism, Nerd!Izaya, Premature Ejaculation, Riddles, Scent Kink, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Stalking, Touch-Starved, Wet Dream, body sensitivity, rooftop cigarettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-31 07:39:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 72,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8569981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bad_Romance/pseuds/Bad_Romance
Summary: "The poor have me, the rich need me, and if you eat me you'll die. What am I?"





	1. I Am Nothing

“The poor have me, the rich need me, and if you eat me you’ll die. What am I?”

 

“Huh?” A tall, slouching blonde grunts around the gum in his mouth, covering his confusion and embarrassment with irritation.

 

“It’s a riddle.” The whisper provides rather unhelpfully from the other side of the packed bookcase of the school library. “Do you give up? Come on, you didn’t even try.”

 

The blonde glares through the shelf but can’t make out the person speaking to him around the thick records of dusty court cases.The most he can really see is that he is short and has black hair. Not exactly distinctive.

 

“Leave me alone.” He hisses, walking deeper into the rows with his heaping stack of community service.

 

The smaller boy dashes after the blonde from his side of the shelf. “Nothing,” he says quickly, a bit too loud for a library. “The answer is nothing.”

 

“Whatever.” The blonde growls, hunching his shoulders further, trying not to think of how obvious the answer was once he heard it. “Leave me alone.”

 

“You’re Heiwajima Shizuo, aren’t you?” The small boy asks, whispering again.

 

Shizuo steps closer to the shelf and glares through harder, trying to intimidate the other boy.

 

“If you’re askin then you already know the answer.”

 

The boy on the other side doesn’t back up like Shizuo was expecting him to. Instead, he steps closer in response - locking Shizuo’s light brown eyes with his grinning, dark red eyes. The unusual color makes Shizuo blink, but he manages to not avert his gaze.

 

“Who are you?” Shizuo asks, not sounding nearly as intimidating as he meant to.

 

The grin in the boy’s expressive, red eyes seems to twist. “Nothing.” He whispers back, before losing Shizuo between a few more sets of bookcases.

 

Shizuo classifies the boy on the other side of the bookcase to be a total fucking weirdo and not worth another thought.

He tells himself that he definitely is not staying in the library longer than usual because he isn’t hoping see the boy again.  


	2. Something Stinks

Nestled in his second favorite corner of the library Izaya thumbs between three different books. One written by a sociologist, another by a psychologist, and the third by a criminal investigator. All about cultural discipline and deviant behavior.

 

 _Just one perspective is basically worthless_ . He reasoned to himself, furiously scribbling notes. _Even this is just_ one _expert’s perception of each field and this criminal investigator’s spent more time as a professor than actually in the field. Not to mention the fact that this sociologist’s a total hack. There’s a few more sources I still haven’t read._

 

Izaya’s stomach groans weakly, but he ignores it just like he ignored the lunch bell.

 

 _I’ve still got thirty minutes before my next test_ . He thinks, pausing only to push his glasses up his nose. _Plenty of time for these last few chapters_.

 

Izaya’s next test is not on deviant behavior or half-baked criminal investigators. It’s for that Calculus class he skips regularly without consequence.

 

The criminal investigator begins re-accounting a trial with a delinquent and Izaya’s mind involuntarily flashes back to the previous day. The day when just a bookshelf of court cases separated him from his own delinquent. Well, Shizuo isn’t exactly _Izaya’s_ , but Izaya reasons that he is in spirit. Close enough, anyway. Izaya’s spent plenty of time observing Mr. long, blonde, and dangerous - much like a scientist observing a wild animal. He’s even named his favorite animal like many scientists do, after something cute he overheard some girls saying. In Izaya’s mind the infamous Heiwajima Shizuo is just Shizu-chan the specimen.

 

Izaya’s pen pauses at the memory, having never been so close to that particular specimen before. The specimen that’s certainly held his interest the longest, but it’s only a matter of time before Shizu-chan gets boring, of course.

 

Izaya decides to switch to the psychologist for now, reminding himself that he already recorded yesterday’s interaction in his field notebook and there's no need to dwell on it any longer.

 

The last few minutes of lunch fly by, prompting Izaya jot down his last few thoughts before packing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder.

 

Even though he hurries, Izaya is three minutes late to Calculus. The teacher hands him the test without comment and Izaya is the first to finish and leave, another thoughtless A to keep up appearances and  it's back to his self-imposed work in the library.

  


The librarian’s assistant gives him a shy nod when he reenters his domain and he nods back with a polite smile, wondering only for a moment of what he’ll say when she finally works up the courage to confess - as he can’t exactly tell her he doesn’t feel love for anyone. That would make him stick out far too much. Izaya quickly forgets her when he sees his specimen.

 

Shizuo is on the far side of the front desk getting instructions from the librarian. His back might be to Izaya, but he’s very distinctive and Izaya hasn’t been blind while observing him for months.

 

His polite smile vanishes from his face and Izaya barely has enough time to duck into the nearest row of shelves when Shizuo turns around with a stack of huge boxes in his strong arms, gripped tightly by those big hands of his.

 

 _It’s important to make note of all things_ . Izaya reasons to himself, starring at Shizuo's hands. _That’s what it means to observe._

 

Izaya ducks through a few more bookcases, crouching down behind one as he peers through the cracks and telling himself that hiding from his Shizu-chan is definitely not weird. There’s no need for an observer to disturb the wildlife.

 

Shizuo walks to the back of the library with the stack of boxes where the storage closet is and Izaya follows him through the shelves. At the door, rather than placing the cumbersome stack on the ground while he finagles the keys into the sticky lock, Shizuo effortlessly balances the stack in one hand while working the lock with the other.

 

Red eyes widen and glimmer between the bookcase shelves, captivated as always by Shizuo’s strength. Even domestic displays of his abnormality never fail to leave Izaya wanting more. More of… something Izaya refuses to think about as he swallows around the adrenaline clogging his throat.

 

Shizuo finally manages to work the lock open with the keys in twice the amount of time it takes Izaya to open it with a few hairpins and brings the boxes into Izaya’s first favorite library spot, which had been occupied by the librarian this morning.

 

Ignoring the buzzing in his veins Izaya sneaks closer to his specimen, stifling a laugh at his own internal nature documentary narration.

 

Inside the closet Shizuo is arranging the boxes on the highest shelf in the closet with a surprising amount of care that Izaya takes mental note of. He does his best to not observe Shizuo’s absolutely unjustifiable height but just can’t help remembering how many stacked boxes it takes for him to reach that shelf.

 

Izaya wonders to himself, just for a moment, what would happen if Shizu-chan were to walk in on him settled into his favorite nook of that closet - surrounded by his hoard of books and notebook paper. Would Shizu-chan recognize him? What would he say? Would he call Izaya a weirdo?

 

Would he wonder what Izaya was doing? Would he listen to Izaya’s notes?

 

It doesn’t matter. No one’s ever caught him before. There’s no reason Shizuo would be the one to catch him.

 

Izaya follows Shizuo carefully as he walks back up towards the front of the library when suddenly, Shizuo stops just two shelves past Izaya.

 

Izaya freezes and his heart pounds the way it only seems to with Shizuo, and Izaya relishes in the feeling of… Feeling something.

 

Did Izaya give himself away on accident? What caught Shizuo’s interest? Izaya watches, wide-eyed as Shizuo ducks into the row he stopped by. Two rows in front of Izaya.

 

Taking a chance, Izaya slinks up one row for a better view. He doesn’t take the risk of losing the last row of cover between them yet. Not so soon after their last interaction.

 

Shizuo appears to be flipping through a book.

 

Izaya clutches the shelf closest to him with buzzing fingers, pure, childlike excitement bubbling up to flush his cheeks and draw him up on the balls of his feet as he cranes his neck in unbearable curiosity.

 

Shizu-chan grunts to himself, almost too quiet to make out, “...stinks.”

 

Izaya blinks and sniffs the air carefully. What stinks? Izaya can’t smell anything different. Does he not like the book?

 

Apparently not as Shizuo tucks the book under his arm and walks to the front desk to check the book out. Shizuo slips the book into his bag and out of sight before Izaya can get a look at the cover and leaves the library.

 

Unable to contain himself, Izaya practically rips his field notes out of his bag and flounders for his pen before remembering that he put it behind his ear again. Izaya uncaps the pen with his mouth and crouches to balance the notebook on his knee as he scribbles down the scene he just witnessed, words stumbling over each other out of shaky hands and occasionally beginning one word with the first letter of what will be the next word in his haste to spill all the details and rapidly-forming theories onto paper. Not even bothering to adjust the glasses steadily slipping down his nose.

 

Then Izaya remembers that he should probably add a fourth perspective to his research on deviancy. There are many philosophers to consider.

  


 

Outside the library, the scent that had seemed to follow Shizuo had finally disappeared. It was an odd smell. Faint and bitter, a tinge of sweet and hard to place. The memory of red eyes came to Shizuo, but he tried to brush it off. He had been thinking of them without meaning to all day and the only reason the image was more vivid this time was because he was just in the library where he met the weird guy.

 

It had been awhile since he had checked out a book. Being the young “future criminal with no prospects” that he was according to everyone except for his brother was the strongest deterrent against education he had ever felt. Not to mention being preoccupied with corporal punishment and brawls.

 

This book sounded pretty cool though, had enough nostalgia of childhood dreams attached to overcome his ever-present bad mood to bring home and read. He just hoped it wouldn’t get ruined if another pack of idiots decided to jump him on the way home.

 

Nostalgia is a dangerous thing, especially when those very same childhood dreams had been snuffed out so soon. But sometimes, Shizuo just can’t help himself. He’ll lose himself in these pages and dream those childhood dreams only his brother knows about.

 

Shizuo sighs, feeling weaker than usual after another long day at school and fishes through his pockets for a crumpled pack of cigarettes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come. Thank you for reading.


	3. In the Closet

The prickly feeling of paranoia hasn't stopped scratching at the back of Shizuo's brain since he decided to sit in the back corner of the library. Normally he wouldn't be here outside of his community service hours but the book he checked out had really captured his interest and he just couldn't leave it at home. It feels good to him, to read something he picked out after hardly touching a book in years - even if it's nonfiction. The sense of nostalgia he felt at reading the title only grew as he read well into the evening at home and he found he could identify with much of the text.

 

He had hoped to continue reading in peace here in the sanctuary that is the back of the library, but that damn feeling paranoia. Shizuo has the strongest feeling of being watched, but there isn't anyone else back here.

 

Shizuo had checked the surrounding shelves before settling in, making sure no one could see him. Still, the feeling persisted. And Shizuo’s gut had never been wrong before.

 

There was the matter of the smell as well. He’d come to accept it as something exclusive to the back of the library and tries to not give it much thought beyond that.

 

Unfortunately, red eyes keep flashing across his imagination. The emotion in them playing out for him over and over again. But Shizuo has never been good at figuring emotions out.

 

He craves a cigarette, but pops a piece of bubblegum into his mouth instead. This is a library, after all.

 

Shizuo isn't sure if wants to see the boy with the grinning red eyes again. There's just something about him that won't leave Shizuo alone. It's really starting to piss him off.

 

Shizuo isn't sure just forgetting about the boy is an option.

  


 

For once Izaya can't bring himself to open his field book and take notes. That would mean taking his eyes off the scene in front of him.

 

Izaya is in his closet, sitting pressed against the wall by the door as he stares through the tiny peephole he had made when he first started using this space. On the other side of the flimsy drywall his Shizu-chan sits in that creaky wooden chair that should've been thrown out years ago, reading. Izaya almost can't believe his own eyes.

 

After Shizuo had left the library yesterday Izaya had waited for the girl at the front desk to clock out. Izaya has always had a wealth of patience but that had somehow vanished that day. When the library assistant finally left Izaya had just barely restrained himself from jumping over the desk to get to the computer, containing himself enough to be more discrete and walk around like an average human. In a terrifyingly short amount of time, considering the pace of the school’s computers, Izaya managed to unlock the computer and get into the book records. Shizu-chan’s book of choice: the very same book on deviant behavior by that criminal investigator Izaya had been pouring over.

 

Izaya isn't even mad that someone had taken the book he was working through away from him. At least, he doesn't think he is. Izaya can't think of a time he had felt so many things at once. Whatever this collage of feelings is it's sending electricity up and down his spine to the point where he can't even keep his toes still. It's keeping him from blinking as he watches Shizuo from the hole in the wall. It's addicting.

 

This new angle of Shizuo is something he’s never seen before. It opens up so many possibilities that even Izaya hesitates to consider. Such as evidence of Shizuo’s self-image, a common topic of conversation, maybe even a… common interest?

 

Izaya unconsciously presses himself closer to the wall, closer to his longest-studied specimen - glasses digging into his face. What does Izaya not know about Shizuo yet? Izaya only sees him at school and surely he does other things. Does Shizu-chan watch TV? Maybe he plays video games. Does he eat just as poorly at home as he does here? What kind of soap does he use? What kind of porn does he hide under his bed? So many questions that don't even begin to unravel his Shizu-chan, and that doesn't even account for how he will change over time. How will Shizu-chan carry his past with him as he ages?

 

But Izaya will lose interest in him before it goes that far, surely. He always does.

 

Suddenly, one very strong emotion rises up in Izaya into clarity through the mess.

 

Fear.

 

Izaya thinks that maybe. Just maybe. He won't lose interest in Shizuo. And the possibility terrifies him, but he just can't pull away from the sight he's indulging in. Not yet anyway.

 

Izaya was already well-aware that Heiwajima Shizuo was a difficult to understand person. Just about anyone could tell you that because of how much he raves against violence, yet has put more people in the hospital than anyone else. Izaya's not stupid enough to believe that Shizuo’s a hypocrite on purpose, or that he’s lying about hating violence. Izaya was sure after the first three days of observing that his Shizu-chan truly hated violence. Izaya suspects that Shizuo also hates himself.

 

Not that that's a particularly spectacular revelation on its own. It's only logical given the disparity between his values and actions. Many people hate themselves, it's hardly a unique trait. But Shizu-chan is more than another self-loathing teen.

 

Shizuo is a good person. Which is something Izaya never thought he could believe in. Morality, being the relative thing it is, is impossible to summarize in words like “good” and “bad” and yet somehow… somehow Shizuo is good. Izaya just knows it. He has tried so hard to prove both for and against that fact to himself with concrete evidence but he couldn't prove nor disprove it. All of Izaya's knowledge feels helpless as the mercy of Shizuo's purity as a person.

 

Maybe it's the way Shizu-chan protects his friends Kyohei and Tanaka. Maybe it's the way he doesn't excuse them when he thinks they're wrong. Maybe it’s the way he eats chocolate after a big fight, hunched in some corner alone in his shame.

 

Izaya has extensive notes on each and every detail about his specimen that he has observed, right down the brand of cigarettes he smuggles into school to smoke west side of the roof. Izaya is sure he could even identify the brand by scent alone. But it’s never enough.

 

Izaya would still watch his Shizu-chan for hours. Izaya wonders just how much it will take for it to be enough for him.

  
  


Shizuo and Izaya have in fact met before the riddle in the bookshelves. It’s a moment Izaya is sure he wouldn’t forget, if he could forget things that is.

 

When Izaya was still tailing his last specimen, an athletic red headed girl who seemed to be more like a boy, but Izaya isn’t one to shame for something as silly as that. After all, he has a feminine frame himself. Which is how he was able to tail her so well outside of school.

 

Before Shizuo, Izaya had very much enjoyed watching this girl and had even decided to follow her outside of school one day while she was out in the city with her burly brother. He did so looking more… androgynous than he usually does. His sisters, the little devils, make him play dress-up with them and force him into some of the most horrifying outfits, but he admits it has become a useful skill.

 

Izaya remembers everything about that day, right down to his clothes. He was not in the fluffy pink skirt his sister like to see, opting for some red shorts that are smaller than any boy’s pair, a loose-fitting black blouse, calf-high black socks, and his usual sneakers. An outfit much more his style that he tries not to admit to looking great in, nothing super girly. No shame if it’s not girly. It’s just ambiguous.

 

Izaya had ducked into a random store across the street from the girl, which had turned out to be an ice cream parlor. To avoid suspicion Izaya made his way to the counter to get something small when he met Shizuo. Shizuo in a pink apron scooping ice cream.

 

Their interaction was nothing special. Shizuo didn’t recognize Izaya and treated him like he would any customer. Polite and mumbling and no eye contact as he took Izaya’s order and got him a small bowl of the coffee flavor.

 

Izaya took his ice cream, sat by the window, but couldn’t focus on the girl anymore. He was drawn to the blonde right away.

 

To Izaya’s delight, Shizuo turned out to go to the same school as him. The infamous badboy who Izaya had only heard frightened whispers of in the halls. People saying that the transfer had already been kicked out of one - or was it four? - schools before being sent hear.

 

And that was it. Izaya was hooked.

  
  


Shizuo finally can’t take the feeling of being watched anymore and decides to either get to the bottom of it or get out. He combs the back of library, once again finding nothing. Then, he passes the storage closet. The faint scent that has always been present in the space is much stronger here, almost identifiable. What’s that bitter? Kind of soft… coffee maybe? No, not exactly. Shizuo steps closer to the door and inhales deeply.

 

“... stinks.” He grumbles to himself, and test the handle. Completely unaware of the silent panic on the other side of the door as Izaya tries to will himself to hide deeper in the closet but can’t tear himself from the peephole.

  
The door is locked and Shizuo glares at it, he’s got a strong feeling about this. But if the door is locked… He really doesn’t want to get in trouble for trashing school property again. Shizuo gives up his search for now and decides to go for a smoke instead.


	4. Come and Catch Me

Ever since the incident with the peephole Izaya has been keeping his distance from his specimen. He hates the idea of missing opportunities for information on him, but that close call has him terrified that Shizu-chan is onto him. Shizu-chan is not supposed to break the 4th wall that Izaya so carefully constructed.

  
It takes three weeks of hardly seeing Shizu-chan for Izaya to crack.

  
“I can bring tears to your eyes and resurrect the dead. I form in an instant and can last a lifetime. What am I?”

  
Shizuo’s heart skips a beat when the whispers of a riddle drift through the bookcases as he skims some old court cases.

  
“Huh?” Shizuo croaks out, a reflexive stall for time.

  
“Come on Shizu-chan, this one is easy.”

  
“Shizu-chan?!” He roars at the perversion of his name, red creeping into his vision. He almost squashed the little insect on the other side of the bookcase with the shelf when the little voice piped up again.

  
“Sshhh, we’re in a library…” The voice purrs, and the sheer arrogance of it almost makes Shizuo forgo his respect for the rules.

  
He really is the worst delinquent.

  
Shizuo growls at the other boy, low and menacing as he searches for those red eyes.

  
“What do you want?”

  
“Isn't that obvious? I can bring tears to your eyes and resurrect the de-”

  
“Shut up.” Shizuo snarls. “Who are you?”

  
The voice goes silent for a moment, Shizuo unaware of Izaya’s silent struggle for a clever response through the all the electrical misfires in his brain from the sound of Shizuo’s low, animalistic voice.

  
Once Izaya is reasonably certain his voice won't crack he replies.

  
“Answer my riddle first.”

  
Shizuo briefly considers the riddle before reminding himself that he doesn't have to play into this creep’s stupid game. He dashes to the far end of the bookcase and rounds the corner, intent on getting a good look at the little freak he’s about to punch in the face - but the other boy isn't there.

  
“How rude, Shizu-chan.” The boy drawls from the next row over. “I'm not done playing.”

  
“I'm not playing with you.” Shizuo snaps, getting more pissed by the second and desperate to take it out on those smug, red eyes. “Come out so I can beat the shit out of you.”

  
Izaya snickers quietly, trying not to pay attention to the raw excitement rushing through him. He almost wants to step out and let Shizuo see his face.

  
“Ah, see the thing is, I don't want to get the shit beaten out of me. Sounds messy.”

  
“I'll squash you like a bug!” Shizuo roars.

  
The chase is on, but Izaya is always somehow out of Shizuo’s sight. Able to navigate the maze of books of his home turf and lose Shizuo at every turn.

  
Their blood is hot in their veins, boiling with pure adrenaline.

  
_Come on, faster. I can catch that little creep if I just go faster. I can see those eyes again._

  
Shizuo wants to see this boy who hides in the library. He knows he should just beat the kid up and be done with it, but he’s not too sure if he’ll be able to punch the boy if those expressive eyes lock onto his again.

  
 _Come on, Shizu-chan. Come on, come on, faster. Come and catch me_.

  
He wants to be caught. Izaya wants to be caught so bad but he knows he can't let that happen. The desire is so suffocating and confusing that he decides it would be for the best if this game stopped.

  
Being so near his specimen messes with his head.

  
A few more turns and Izaya manages to lead Shizuo into the stern librarian while avoiding the woman himself. He’s on good terms with the old woman, and would like to keep it that way.

  
Shizuo just barely stops short of barreling the old librarian over. Heart stopping as his narrowly misses probably killing the ancient woman who’s about half his size.

  
“S-sorry!” Shizuo gasps, swiveling his head around trying to see where the other boy could have gone. Bewilderment replaces all the heat in his body as there is no sign of the kid. He could've sworn he was right on his tail, how did the other boy get past the librarian?

  
“Heiwajima, what are you doing running and shouting in the library?” She demands, glaring straight up at Shizuo through thick glasses.

  
“I was- But he-” Shizuo sputters for a reasonable way to begin, but finds he can't think of anything that would sound reasonable. What's he supposed to say? A kid was asking me a riddle and I'm trying to attack him for it?

  
“Mr. Heiwajima, I understand that you have something of a reputation at this school.” She steps closer to him, and Shizuo finds himself retreating. For such a small woman her presence is enormous. “You may be able to frighten some of the faculty into getting away with misconduct but I will not be intimidated by the likes of you.”

  
Shizuo completely deflates at her words. “I am very sorry.” He apologizes with a deep bow. “I have no excuse for disrespecting you like this…”

  
Unlike Izaya, crouched behind nearby a shelf, the librarian does not seem surprised by his sincere apology.

  
“If I catch you acting out again you will no longer be spending your community service here and I will notify your counselor. Is that clear?”

  
“Yes ma’am.” Shizuo tries his best not to mumble out of shame. Despite the occasional riddle and the odd smell he likes working at the library. He knows he is unlikely to find a quieter job around school, which is really all he wants. He mentally berates himself for almost fucking that up over some weirdo.

  
“Good.” She turns and strides away, leaving Shizuo to try and not think about how she felt the need to stand up to him. How she could even think that he would threaten her.

  
He knows she has good reason, and that makes it worse.

  
Suddenly he really doesn't feel like reading anymore. Leaving may make that bastard feel like he's won, but at the moment Shizuo doesn't care. He needs a cigarette. And maybe a chocolate bar.

  
Izaya watches as Shizuo shoves his hands into his pockets and hunches over, the wide line of his shoulders forming a wall around him. Looking dejected, Shizuo quickly leaves the library.

  
He notes a few new things about Shizuo today.

  
Curled up in his favorite corner of the roof, Shizuo lights himself a cigarette and tries not to think about the day. For awhile he is successful. The sun is too bright and the wind is a bit too strong and by his third deep drag the answer to today’s riddle pops into his mind, as if it came from the vast, blue sky and not his own mind.

  
“A memory, huh…”

 

  
Maybe he's been reading too many court cases, or watching too many cop shows, but there’s something more to the boy with the red eyes than just a knack for being annoying.

  
For starters, he’s knowingly picking on Heiwajima Shizuo with no intention of taking him in a fight. And he can seem to vanish from what Shizuo has dubbed “the crime scene” like a true villain. One that would take a few episodes for the cops to catch instead of just one. Not to mention the creepy riddles and the creepy, yet strangely… well, Shizuo would say alluring if he was a woman or something. But he won't say alluring, because there isn't anything alluring about another guy.

  
So Shizuo settles on just creepy.

  
At home Shizuo had ripped out piece of notebook paper and written down the facts. He doesn't know what he's looking for, but detectives on TV always seem to find unexpected leans from seemingly insignificant information.

  
Currently he is focusing on the answers to the two riddles. Even if there's no intentionally hidden message there's gotta be some… subconscious clue into the villain’s mind? That's how it works, probably.

  
The answer to the first riddle was ‘Nothing’ but more specifically the boy had said ‘I am nothing.’ Twice, in fact. That had to count for something. The answer to the second riddle, which he was confident in his answer for, was ‘a memory.’

  
‘I am nothing’ and ‘a memory.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come. Thank you for reading.


	5. Hooked on a Feeling

"Are you sure this… villain. Is trying to leave a message for you?”

  
“Not exactly a message, Kasuka, but he's definitely one of those real creepy types who manipulates conversation. There's gotta be a clue here.”

  
After pacing for hours and only coming to conclusions he deemed “too obvious” he decided to enlist the help of Kasuka. The two of them had been the best crime-solving and fighting duo in all of Japan in their childhood games of pretend.

  
Currently they are sitting together at the kitchen table under the warm lights of the room, sharing a some hot chocolate for the cooling fall air.

  
Kasuka considers Shizuo's notes. “‘I am nothing’ is a very sad thing to think.”

  
“Of course it is, but that can't be all. It's never that simple.”

  
Kasuka stares at Shizuo for a long moment, then shrugs. “Maybe it is. You've only spoken twice?”

  
“Yeah, but I've gotta feelin’ about him.” Shizuo insists, understanding that Kasuka has always been the cool cop to his reckless cop.

  
When they were kids they took turns on who got to be the good cop and who got to be the bad cop during imaginary interrogations. Kasuka always insisted Shizuo made a better good cop.

  
“... What sort of feeling?” Kasuka pries, suddenly making Shizuo very uncomfortable with the unspoken potential of the gentle question.

  
“I don't know! The weird kind. I gotta figure this out!” Shizuo replies defensively.

  
“Why?”

  
“Huh?”

  
“What do you hope to accomplish? You know I'm always on your side, brother, but I do not understand what your end goal is. Do you want to figure out his identity? Do you want to make him leave you alone?”

  
Shizuo thinks long and hard about what to say, and Kasuka remains patient as ever.

  
“I don't know.” Shizuo sighs, resigning himself to the truth as the best option with his partner.

  
The two of them consider Shizuo’s notes quietly.

  
“We should organize these on a wall in your room.” Kasuka suggests. “You're bound to get more clues and it should help to see them more clearly.”

  
Shizuo immediately perks up, knocking the kitchen chair over in the process. “Yeah, good idea. I'll get some tacks and some string.”

 

 

  
Izaya considers himself to be a largely asexual being. He has never felt an interest in any sort of sexual behavior before, and any level of experimentation would require getting far too close for comfort to one of the humans.

  
Izaya can count the number of times he's touched himself sexually in his sixteen years of life on his fingers.

  
Not that he has a problem with his own body, he just doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He'd rather deal with any… unfortunate bodily functions by ignoring them.

  
But he isn't uncomfortable with his body. It's perfectly normal to change in the bathroom for gym instead of the locker room. He's always been a private person.

  
So when Izaya’s pulling his gym shirt over his shoulders in the privacy of the creaky, cramped stall at the end of the row his heart certainly does not leap into his throat at the sound of the door to the bathroom opening. Izaya only feels the edge of panic when he peeks through the space between the stall door and the wall to an eyeful of messy blond hair and broad shoulders.

  
He freezes like he did in the closet, trying to will his heart into beating again. When it finally does the poor organ is working double-time to compensate for the missed beats.

  
Izaya knows, logically, that he doesn't need to panic. He’s locked safely in a stall and there's no reason for Shizuo to suddenly turn around and kick the door in on some boy he doesn't know.

  
But Izaya is panicking anyway and damn near has a heart attack when Shizuo mumbles:

  
“...it stinks.” To himself.

  
Izaya watches Shizuo walks over to the urinals that are perpendicular to the stalls, not even considering how odd it is to be watching him in this moment. He has to move from looking through to space at the door the the crack between the walls to keep an eye on him.

  
When Shizuo starts undoing his belt, Izaya thinks to himself that what he is doing might be odd.

  
Izaya tries to shake the shameful blush that begins to creep up his face with reasoning.

  
_It's not weird._ Izaya thinks. _Scientists observe animals having… m-mating._ Self-consciousness continues to spread up to his ears, a feeling he had almost forgotten. _This. This isn't weird. And what Shizuo doesn't know won't hurt him. Nothing bad is going to happen._ Shizuo unzips his pants and slides his boxers down. _You've never turned away from information before._ Izaya chastises himself. _When are you going to get another opportunity to see this?_ Shizuo pulls his dick out of his pants.

  
.  
.  
.

  
Izaya decides the world is a horribly unfair place.

 

 

  
Shizuo leaves the bathroom, turning the corner to walk down the hall and up the stairs to his next class. He tries to shake off the weird smell that's clouding his mind. Not the usual stink of piss, stale smoke, and body odor that is typically the boys bathroom. The weird back-of-the-library smell.

  
Red eyes come to mind again but… Nah. He thinks. It couldn't be… what are the odds he was…

  
Shizuo turns on his heel and runs back to the bathroom, swinging wide on the turn. When he busts inside the smell is fainter, and every stall is empty.

  
Shizuo decides to make a note of this on his evidence wall at home.

  
He can barely focus in his last three classes. Shizuo tries, he really does, but he keeps thinking back to the evidence wall, growing rapidly with the most minute details.

  
Kasuka’s question still haunts him. What does he want out of this investigation?

  
He wishes he could say he wants to get the boy to leave him alone. To save the school from a small, creepy sphinx that apparently lives in the non-fiction maze.

  
But Shizuo isn't sure that's what he wants, and getting invested in every detail as he relives the scenes over and over again just make him hungry for more. Itching for another clue to put on the wall and discuss with his brother.

  
Shizuo runs out of class the second the bell rings, completely missing the homework that the teacher is too scared to call him back and give to him, and makes it to the library in record time.

  
With a nod to the shrinking girl at the desk Shizuo makes a beeline for the librarian to get his chores for today, jittery for the therapy of mundane, physical labor and the potential to run into the little red-eyed sphinx.

  
The librarian takes notice of his punctuality and enthusiasm with a satisfied twinkle in her eye. She directs Shizuo to another stack of boxes for the storage closet and hands him the keys without the usual “responsibility and consequences” speech.

  
Shizuo takes the boxes without so much as a grunt and when he starts the trek to the back of the library the old woman turns to the girl at the desk and asks if she thinks Shizuo might be turning a corner. The girl shrugs, still hunched over and eyeing Shizuo’s back with apprehension.

  
The boxes are unnaturally easy to carry as always. Barely a weight at all with the growing prominence of the bitter smell pressing down on him. The feeling of being watched scratches at the back of his head and by the time he gets to the storage closet his skin is crawling with anticipation.

  
Shizuo shifts the barely-there weight to one hand and fumbles the key into the lock. It takes a good deal of jingling and careful raking at the lock before the key turns, the lock clicks, and Shizuo takes a steadying breath before pushing the door open.


	6. Deep in the Closet

At first the closet looks just as underwhelming as Shizuo remembers, but with the new information fresh in his mind, it's hardly the same closet at all.

  
Most prominently: the smell. If Shizuo thought it was noticeable just around in the back of the library this is overwhelming. Shizuo isn't sure how he feels about it. His heart speeds up and the adrenaline in his veins spikes.

  
Shizuo isn't sure if he likes the smell or not. All he knows is that when he can finally bring himself to step into the closet he can't seem to fill his lungs no matter how hard he breathes. All Shizuo wants to do is find the source of that smell, tear the storage closet apart if he has to, and indulge. Finally. Finally, Shizuo can say what it smells like now that it saturates the air with far more weight than anything he's ever lifted before.

  
It smells like bitter almonds.

  
Shizuo gets the distinct feeling that particular smells is supposed to be a red flag, but he can't remember why.

  
Shizuo can't even remember the boxes in his hands.

  
Eventually, Shizuo snaps out of this trance he's in and manages to get his breathing under control. He sucks in some drool that was threatening to escape, thankful that no one who may or may not be watching him could see his face, and pulls himself together enough to stash the boxes in their rightful place before he loses himself again and starts huffing that blanket in the corner for…

  
Wait. Blanket? Was that there last time?

  
Shizuo looks around for anything else he might've missed but just can't tell if that… what is that? A blanket with some kind of pink sweater knit and white, fuzzy lining?

  
He just can't tell if that pink sweater blanket was there before. He really wasn't paying attention last time. Shizuo supposes that it could belong to the librarian - it sure looks like an old lady thing - but the library doesn't smell like this. Shizuo is sure that if he pressed his nose to that blanket, the smell of bitter almond would invade his senses.

  
He isn't confident that he'd be able to leave this closet in reasonable time for his other chores if he tried it, so he takes one last look at the closet for anything suspicious and yanks himself out of it.

  
Shizuo slams the door behind him to try and block out the smell and clear his head to think. That smell, the smell that might just have something to do with the red-eyed boy in the bookcases, was strongest in that closet. He ran back into the bathroom, chasing the faintest bit of it and now that he's found what might just be the villain's secret lair he can't even investigate. Shizuo takes a deep breath of less polluted air and decides to walk away for now and clear his head.

  
What had he gotten himself into?

 

 

  
Cold sweat drips down his back and he can't seem to stop shaking. He has no more room inside his body for air after being filled to the brim with the sight of Shizuo looming over him - sucking in ragged, greedy breaths while Izaya couldn't breathe at all.

  
Izaya remains frozen in the back of the closet, curled up under the bottom shelf behind some junk he's sure no one besides himself has touched in years. His eyes are still blown-wide and dark from the unexpected encounter, hand still clasped over his mouth to keep quiet. He had heard someone coming just in time to hide, but had assumed it was the half-blind old bat and not the object of his… fascination.

  
Moving from his impossibly small hiding place was the last thing on his mind as he tried to process what he just saw - reliving the moment over and over again, seeing it played out faster and faster as it mixes with hundreds of intangible thoughts, leaving Izaya's head a complete train wreck.

  
As if Shizuo coming into Izaya’s favorite little place uninvited wasn't enough of a nightmare, the stupid brute had stayed far longer than necessary. Izaya couldn't even begin to fathom what he was doing, standing stalk-still for what felt like forever just… just breathing… breathing like he couldn't get enough air.

  
 _Is there something wrong with him?_ Izaya wondered briefly, but tossed that idea out quickly. _Shizuo has no health problems, never gets sick, and there's no way the cigarettes caught up to him already_.

  
Then what was it?

  
Izaya’s imagination lights up with the fuel of the fresh memory. Shizuo, towering over him. Passionate, golden eyes boring down on him. Izaya completely immobilized with the weight of the gaze, the weight of his heavy breaths from lips that are just so close, the impossible strength packed into Shizuo’s long arms and big hands. Izaya’s trembling body catching fire under his eyes, his breath, his hands, his li…

  
A desperate gasp shudders up from Izaya’s aching lungs at the thought, the itch to be caught by Shizuo flaring up into an almost painful need. He tenses, pressing back into the corner he’s folded himself into even farther as though he can put physical space between himself and his imagination.

  
 _You don't want that_. Izaya tells himself. _You don't want that, you don't, you don't, you don't, you_ …

  
But no matter how many times he tells himself, the words still sound hollow.

  
But no matter how many times he tries to fold up and lock these feelings away with the rest of them like he’s managed to do so neatly all his life, they just don't stay away.

  
So Izaya stays away. Curled up in the smallest, furthest corner of the storage closet he can manage behind musty boxes until well past the library’s closing time. Until he can finally slow his breathing and crumple the feelings away that he wants to throw up.

  
Finally, Izaya can find the strength to crawl out from the little space. He gathers his things, manages to stand on legs that are still shaking, tucks his blanket away between some forgotten junk, and checks his phone.

  
8:30pm. No new messages.

 

 

  
Shizuo’s been staring blankly at the evidence wall, hoping for an answer. But nothing came.

  
Nothing he wants to think about.

  
The crisp fall air on his walk home had helped to clear his head, but the reality of what had happened in the closet didn't disappear.

  
He's almost certain that the red-eyed boy and the smell is connected, meaning that wherever the smell was, so was he. But there had been no one in that closet, meaning he was either there recently or spent enough time in it to basically live there. Either seemed possible to Shizuo at this point.

  
Still, that was ignoring the most alarming discovery of the day. Shizuo’s reaction to the smell.

  
Shizuo had never really disliked the smell, it was just faint and odd and objectively a clue. Now it was strong and… and not just odd or a clue. It was like a drug. Or more accurately, it was like a poison.

  
As soon as Shizuo had gotten home he had turned on his family's computer and looked up the smell of bitter almonds, unsure if he'd find much of anything but too hung up on the bell it rung in his head to not at least try.

  
Bitter almonds is the most common description for the smell of cyanide.

  
Even knowing that, all Shizuo wants to do is run back to the library, press his face into that pink sweater blanket, and huff the smell of the small library boy like a drug addict.

  
He hasn't told Kasuka this. All Kasuka knows are the objective facts and theories he has written on notecards and scraps of paper tacked onto the wall in his bedroom. Shizuo isn't sure he can tell Kasuka. What if his brother starts thinking he’s… weird about this mystery guy?

  
Because Shizuo isn't like that. It's just the smell.

  
Red eyes, twinkling with a swirl of excitement and mischief and focus come to mind.

  
Okay, maybe it's the smell and the eyes. But that doesn't mean anything.

  
Maybe a cigarette will help…

  
It doesn't.


	7. Don't Think About Him

This time, for sure, Izaya is going to keep his distance from Shizuo.

  
All these close-encounters just keep messing with his head and Izaya can't have that. His head is all he's got.

  
After skipping two days of school, too rattled to even think about pretending to socialize like a normal teen, he decides it's time to go back to his schedule and forget anything ever happened. As he approaches the building he straightens his spine, elongates his strides, and pats his pocket for the comfort of the presence of his glasses securely in their case for when he needs them.

  
Izaya tries not to wear his glasses around school. Some… unfortunate events with a group of larger boys in elementary school made him realize they make him stand out too much, so he saves them for the comfort and privacy of his reading nooks so he can see properly without being bothered. It's not like he really needs to see the notes on the board during class anyway. He can hear just fine, better than most actually, and is confident enough in his intelligence to excel anyway.

  
And when Izaya passes a tall blond in the courtyard mingling with his friends in an untucked uniform with the sleeves rolled up, he turns melts into a hurried crowd of students who clearly have some place to be so he can vanish.

  
With his eyes glued to the ground, Izaya doesn't see Shizuo’s head perk up at the faintest waft of bitter almonds.

  
Would Shizuo make fun of his glasses? Would Shizuo crush them under his foot, laughing as he tells Izaya that they were already broken because they always sat crooked on his face?

  
Izaya tries once again to shake away the thought of Shizuo. It's not like it matters what Shizuo would do. Izaya is not interacting with Shizuo anymore.

  
Would he tell Izaya that his weird, too-big, crooked glasses were ugly just like his weird, too-big, crooked smile?

  
Izaya decides to avoid the library today and heads straight to class, his teachers looking at him strangely when he arrives on-time.

  
Boring, boring, boring. Every hour is atrociously boring. Now he remembers why he always skipped, school is the absolute worst way to learn. Izaya feels like he's actually lost intelligence by the time the class is finally freed for lunch.

  
Taking his time tucking his only notebook for official schoolwork back into his worn bag of personal studies he wonders where he should go for lunch. Normally he'd go to the library, but Izaya isn't sure if Shizuo has to work there today. Not the cafeteria, of course, as much as he loves studying  
people he hates being involved in social environments. Not the roof, because if Shizuo isn't at the library that's where he'll be.

  
Izaya sighs internally. The third-floor, east-wing bathroom it is.

  
“Excuse me, Orihara-san.” The friendly voice of his Japanese history teacher calls as Izaya is slinging his bag over his shoulder. As the last handful of students pour out of the classroom Izaya makes his way through the jostled desks to his teacher’s desk.

  
“Yes?” Izaya asks, going for a normal and respectful tone and just falling short, surprising himself with how quiet his voice is.

  
“Is everything alright? As ironic as his is going to sound, you were here for the entire period. I can't help but be concerned.” The teacher’s tone is light, almost joking. His easy-going attitude makes him popular amongst the students and he usually has no problems connecting with them. Except a certain little genius who even he sometimes forgets actually belongs in the class.

  
Izaya laughs casually and waves off his teacher. “Haha, thank you for the concern, but everything is perfectly fine. I do apologize for not always being this punctual, I mean no disrespect.”

  
His teacher snorts and shakes his head. “I'm sure you don't mean anything by it. Somehow I get the feeling I'm not on your radar at all.”

  
Izaya laughs again, silently hoping to be dismissed already.

  
His teacher must notice the subtle way his laugh skids just barely outside of normal, breaking the smallest bit on nerves and lack of practice, because his demeanor becomes more serious.

  
“Listen kid, I don't know why you ditch every chance you get or why you suddenly decided to go by the book for once but… I just want to make sure that if you're in need of anything you know you can come talk to me.” He smiles at Izaya, making sure to maintain eye contact as he places what is meant to be a comforting hand on Izaya's shoulder. It, of course, is not comforting to Izaya.

  
_Ah yes._ Izaya thinks to himself, internally cringing at the only physical contact he's received in… _how long has it been? My sudden behavioral change must be checking some of the boxes in that standard-issue pamphlet on student care he’s shoved into the bottom drawer of his desk. On top of that I haven't exactly been a model student, and by changing I've managed to draw attention to myself._

  
“I understand, thank you again. If you'll excuse me I've got to get to lunch, I'm starving.” Izaya smiles right back. Polite and controlled.

  
The blatant lie he’s wearing makes it easier to not smile too much. To keep his lips from splitting too-wide and keep the left corner as even as possible with the right.

  
“Oh, of course!” His teacher sounds relieved and snatches his hand back. “Of course! You're a growing boy! It's good you have an appetite, it's great!” Eating regularly is a sign of health. “Maybe get a little extra this time? You're looking a bit skinny there!”

  
Izaya nods and bows out, making a bee-line for the east wing to hide himself in the third stall for the next thirty minutes.

 

 

  
Shizuo hovers outside of the library for a few minutes, wondering if he should go in. He doesn't have to work today, so he should go meet Kadota and Tom on the roof. Still, he thinks about ditching them for the library.

  
It's ridiculous, of course, but part of him wants to anyway. Wants to sit in that rickety chair in the back and find another mystery to read and maybe… maybe have a riddle whispered to him that he could think through this time while gettin’ buzzed on the faint scent of bitter almonds.

  
But for the last two days the scent has been even more faint, and Shizuo doesn't feel even the slightest tingle of being watched. A feeling he never thought he'd start to miss.

  
These two days have given him two answers for the case of the library villain:

  
One, the closet was definitely his layer. He wouldn't be scared off if Shizuo wasn't close.

  
Two, Shizuo doesn't want to scare him off. He doesn't know, or can't name, what he wants yet. Shizuo is only sure he doesn't want to scare the other boy away.

  
Shizuo hovers and paces for a few more minutes before he realizes the girl at the front desk is watching his through the window looking terrified.

  
He sighs and turns away. To the roof it is.

  
Tom and Kadota are already settled into their spot, behind a large air conditioning unit.

  
“Hey Shizuo, off the hook today?” Tom greets with a cigarette in his bright smile.

  
“Yeah.” Shizuo grunts and pulls out one of his own, satisfied enough with the bitter taste despite something inside him saying it's not the toxin he's really craving.

  
“How much longer you gotta work there anyway?” Kadota asks, laying on his back in the shade of the air conditioning unit, using his school blazer as a pillow.

  
“Until summer.” Shizuo shrugs and takes a drag. “Or whenever I guess, depending on my behavior and whether or not they still need free labor and shit.”

  
Tom sighs and sits on his calves, leaning back to rest his weight on the support of the unit. “That sucks man, sorry the whole dying your hair thing didn't really work out. I really thought it might help.”

  
Shizuo shakes his head is disagreement. “Nah, it helps. Lot less fights these days.” Which of course may have more to do with his growing reputation than his hair, but the details don't matter.

  
“I think you should keep it either way.” Kadota says. “The blonde really suits you and I'm used to it now.” Shizuo and Tom both nod.

  
“So how is working at the library?” Tom asks. “Aside from quiet, of course.”

  
“Quiet’s most of it.” Shizuo chuckles, trying not to think of the exhilarating chase through the maze of shelves. “Librarian’s strict but the chores are easy and no one bothers me.” Glimmering red eyes and a mocking voice come to mind again, but Shizuo pushes them away.

  
“That's great.” Tom grins. “... So you guys remember that gorgeous blonde chick from my English class?”

  
The Kadota and Shizuo laugh and jump on the subject change, the three of them effortlessly flowing between topics. Tom and Kadota trade stories of some of the girls they've been with or our trying to get with and Shizuo just smiles quietly, trying not to think of how little he can relate.

  
But Tom and Kadota already know not to pry, so it's fine.

  
Shizuo thinks about all the girls he thinks are attractive. Sure, there's a fair handful he wouldn't mind getting with in theory but… he knows that sort of thing is impossible. Monsters don't find love and Shizuo is too terrified at the possibility of hurting any girl who would be nice enough to try and love him.

  
Slowly the cigarette burns down to the filter and he thinks about lighting up another just for more of the bitter taste that he doesn't really want, but makes for a good distraction.

  
He wonders what it might feel like to have that bitter almond smell on his tongue. He pictures smiling red eyes looking up at him as the smell he craves wraps around them like a pink, sweater knit blanket with a white fuzzy lining and fills his lungs like smoke and melts on his tongue like… like…

  
Shizuo lights another cigarette


	8. A Place You Never Leave

 

After a solid week of absolutely nothing and Shizuo resorting to scrolling through pages on the internet of riddles, purely to prepare and not because he wants to hear them or anything, Kasuka finally speaks up.

 

“Shizuo.” Kasuka says, making Shizuo jump in his seat and reflexively minimize the new page of riddles he was scrolling through as if it was something to hide. “Any new clues?”

 

“Uh, not yet…” Shizuo mumbles, shaking his leg out of nervous habit.

 

Kasuka ignores the way the entire desk Shizuo is sitting at shakes with his brother’s leg.

 

“Why haven't you investigated the closet more thoroughly? Surely there is important information in his lair?” Kasuka presses on, watching his brother’s face intently.

 

The entire desk starts bouncing, getting a good three centimeters of air.

 

“Just… haven't really had the time and I haven't been sent there yet and it's uh… it's locked so…” Shizuo runs his hand through his hair, making the excuse more to himself than to Kasuka for the millionth time.

 

Kasuka says nothing, only stares harder.

 

Shizuo’s palms break out into a sweat, both of his legs shaking now.

 

 _It's not an excuse._ He tells himself. _Those are perfectly good reasons. You're not avoiding it. You have no reason to be avoiding it._

 

The armrests of the chair crumble in his clammy grip.

 

“Okay fine, I'll go tomorrow!” Shizuo finally snaps, hands flying into his lap to reveal the crushed plastic of the office chair shaped perfectly to his fingers.

 

Kasuka nods and decides get up early to slip a caramel pudding cup into his brother’s school bag tomorrow morning.

  
  


So far Izaya’s plan to completely avoid Shizuo has been a great success.

 

Unfortunately the plan to forget about Shizuo hasn't worked out quite as well. He blames it on the fact that he hasn't been able to find a new specimen yet. No one has caught his interest. _What is wrong with the people here? Why do they all have to be so boring?_

 

It might also be because Izaya still has all his notes dedicated to his Shizu-chan. Izaya has tried more than once to throw them out, but every time he takes the notebook out with the intention of getting rid of it he ends up opening it instead - getting sucked into the pages of his own writing as he relives every one-sided experience with Shizu-chan in renewed vividness and _damn it why can't he just burn the damn thing!_

 

And by the end of the week Izaya decides there's no point in avoiding the library all together. It won't make the memories any more difficult than his notebook. Probably.

 

He just has to go when he's sure that Shizuo will not be there. After speaking to Nakura, the slimy boy who works the desk in the counselor’s office with perhaps more force than necessary, he gets his hands on a copy of Shizuo’s work schedule. Of course, it's likely to change, but Izaya feels a lot better with this information anyway.

 

This information was supposed to be kept private but Izaya had no problems convincing Nakura. Sure, he probably didn't need to tie him to a chair, blindfold him, brace his mouth open and threaten to let a big, hairy spider crawl inside it right from the get-go, but Izaya really wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush. It's not like Izaya _actually_ had a big spider anyway. That would just be crazy.

 

Not to say he wouldn't do that to Nakura. Izaya’s never liked him. Too sweaty and only worth watching when he's about to wet himself.

 

He decides to go a few hours after the school day ends, figuring that three hours should be enough to ensure that he is in the clear.

 

The days are getting shorter and colder, so just before the sun starts setting Izaya suits up for the cold with a red sweater his sisters gave him for Christmas last year that they lovingly covered in poorly-made black cat silhouettes made from an old cotton shirt, completely contrasting with the clean knitting of the store-bought sweater that’s never fit quite right. It's a little shorter than he likes on the torso, landing just at the waistline of his black jeans, but the neck is all stretched out. Almost like two toddlers tried to wear it at the same time before they wrapped it up for him.

 

Still, it's warm and no one has to see it as long as he wears a coat.

 

After making sure the girls have dinner in the fridge and plenty of cartoons queued up he grabs his bag, stuffing a book on Russian into it as an afterthought in case he gets bored, and sets out into the windy evening.

  
  


Shizuo stays extra late in the library that day after school to make sure he has plenty of time to investigate uninterrupted. He even waits, tucked into the back of the non-fiction maze like a certain little sphinx, until everyone has left and the librarian has locked herself in her office to watch some drama until her shift ends. It's only an hour before closing when Shizuo makes his move.

 

He creeps out of the shelves and walks up to the front of the library, head on a swivel for any activity. The coast could not be any more clear as he walks behind the front desk and opens the second drawer. The librarian always keeps the keys to the storage closet in it rather than on her key-ring. The place isn't exactly maximum security seeing as there isn't anything worth stealing.

 

It's a library storage closet in a high school, not a bank.

 

So why is Shizuo’s blood pumping like he's breaking into one?

 

Little brass key in hand, Shizuo walks back towards the closet, wondering if it was always this far away or if the library started stretching.

 

But all-too-soon he’s found himself standing at the door to the villain’s secret lair. He takes a deep breath, counts to three, then shoves the key into the lock before he can talk himself out of it.

 

Shizuo pushes the door open, unable to hear the creak of the hinges around the blood rushing in his ears, steps into the closet, and shuts the door behind him.

 

Safely inside Shizuo leans against the door behind him and takes a deep, calming breath he didn’t know he was holding. Except the breath isn’t all that calming.

 

The smell is fainter than last time, confirming Shizuo’s theory that the other boy hasn’t been here in awhile, and its subtlety just leaves Shizuo itching for more.

 

 _Focus_ . He chastises himself. _You’re on a mission for… something._

 

Shizuo decides to comb the place top-to-bottom, starting with the top shelves naturally. He spends a good five minutes sorting through the boxes and things he’s put up there before realizing that his villain is way too short to have stashed anything up here. He stifles a chuckle at the thought of a little criminal mastermind bouncing on his toes to hide his evil plans on the top shelf the to avail.

 

Searching lower, but yielding no results has Shizuo feeling discouraged. Maybe he waited to long to check the place out and the other boy already removed all the evidence? _That would make sense..._

 

He’s just about ready to give up his search as he starts sorting through piles of junk on the floor, slowly making his way further back in the closet when a flash of pink catches his eye. His breathing hitches and he lunges for it before he can think about the consequences of his actions.

 

With a good yank Shizuo pulls free the pink, knitted blanket with the white fuzzy lining from between some beat-up, old boxes. His long fingers sink into the soft fabric of what is apparently the only solid clue of the other boy’s existence as he falls back into the wall of the closet, dragging the blanket into his lap and suddenly feeling exhausted.

 

Then, Shizuo realizes his mistake.

 

The smell of bitter almonds is a bit stale and laced with dust, but it still permeates the soft knit of the fabric. Just like he thought it might last time. And now it’s on top of him.

  
  


The walk to school goes by in a cold blur of tense muscles and breath clouding up the glasses he decided were okay to wear in what will be an empty building. He slips into the back as the sun sets and camps out in one of the bathrooms until ten minutes after the library’s closing time. He really doesn’t want to see anybody today.

 

Sneaking past the custodian is easy and breaking into the back door of the library is even easier.

 

All the lights are off and the room is completely still, allowing Izaya to feel like he can breath easy for the first time in weeks. He relaxes into the solitude and lets his coat fall from his shoulders and onto that rickety chair he watched Shizu-chan read in, far too warm to wear in combination with the sweater indoors if he’s going to snuggle up with his favorite blanket this evening. He decides he’ll start with the Russian, it’s a tricky language and his best bet to keep his mind off the delinquent.

 

Izaya makes quick work of picking the lock on the door to his little storage closet and walks in, glad to be back in his favorite place.

 

But then, the world stops.

 

Sitting against the wall with his face buried into the pink knit of his favorite blanket, brown roots showing at the base of his blonde hair, is the very person he’s been working so hard to escape.

 

Izaya can’t breath, his heart has stopped, and for a moment everything is completely still. Through the screaming in his mind one clear, rational thought can be understood.

 

_Maybe he’s asleep. You can still get away if you run now!_

 

Then the world starts again, far too fast for Izaya to keep up with.

 

He drops back on one foot and turns, body already committed to running as fast and as far as it can when an unbreakable, steel grip latches onto his wrist.

 

“Wait!”

 

All of Izaya’s forward momentum is suddenly thrown back with all the power of a tidal wave, fingers digging into his wrist so tightly that he can already feel deep bruises forming - sending electricity up his arm from the point of contact and throughout his whole body.

 

Without balance and his entire world being narrowed to the big, warm hand nearly crushing his wrist Izaya falls back into the hard body behind him.

 

Golden eyes bore down on him, wide and looking as shocked as Izaya feels. Izaya is trapped, terrified, and can’t think - laying across Shizuo’s lap on top of his blanket.

 

Shizuo recovers faster than he does.

 

“I… are you…?” Shizuo swallows hard, eyes darting around Izaya’s face in an effort to take in every feature at once.

 

Finally his eyes settle on Izaya’s, and his lips part just enough to whisper.

 

“A diamond plate, a glowing grate, a place you never leave. Where am I?”

 

Izaya doesn’t know what he’s feeling, but there’s a lot of it.

 


	9. Crooked Boys Are Never Straight

“H-huh?” The boy in Shizuo’s lap croaks. His eyes might not be filled with the same mischief as Shizuo remembers, but the red is far too distinctive to miss even behind crooked frames that can’t seem to balance on his cute, pinched nose. Not to mention the smell. This is the boy from the other side of the bookcase.  _ I don’t need him to answer the riddle to be sure. _

 

_ Oh god… _ Shizuo thinks, face flushing a deep red.  _ Oh god I’m such a fucking idiot! That’s such a lame riddle! _

 

But the boy doesn’t seem close to figuring out the answer. He just gapes up at Shizuo, looking small, and confused, and terrified.

 

“It’s a riddle…” Shizuo mumbles, parroting the first conversation he had with the boy. “Do you give up? Come on, you didn’t even try...”

 

That seems to restart his little villain. He gasps and squirms out of Shizuo’s lap, trying to crawl for the open door but is blocked by Shizuo’s leg kicking it shut. Red eyes slip shut in resignation, his throat bobs with a hard swallow, and he drops back against the wall opposite of Shizuo.

 

Shizuo considers the full-form of the boy across from him while he mulls over Shizuo’s riddle while probably trying to think of a way to weasel himself out of this. He seems like the weaseling-out type.

 

Black hair and red eyes Shizuo already knew about. He is small not only in height, but also in frame. Thin, bird-like collar bones poke out of the wide neckline under what has to be the worst sweater Shizuo has ever seen. It looks like children just randomly stuck on barely-recognizable cat silhouettes and it fits horribly - stretching too wide at the top and almost falling off one shoulder and just coming to the hem of his black pants that… do they even make pants that tight for men?! Shizuo remembers the feeling of that delicate wrist in his grip and how easily his fingers over-lapped. This boy is skinny, the ill-fitting sweater can’t hide that.

 

The skin of his neck and shoulders is clear and milky-white, contrasting with the dark red and black color-scheme of his overall look. He tucks his knobby knees into his chest and Shizuo’s eyes drift down to his small feet wrapped in black sneakers. When he finally opens his eyes and looks directly at Shizuo it hits him.

 

_ This guy…  _ Shizuo can feel the urge to twitch his leg nervously.  _ This guy is way too pretty! _

 

_ … No! I mean, he’s good-looking. In like… a cute nerdy kinda way, but that’s just like, and objective observation. Not like  _ I _ think he’s pretty. _

 

“Home…” The boy whispers, voice small and smooth. “The answer is ‘home.’”

 

_ Oh god that’s so lame! Why did I have to pick that riddle? Ugh, I choked…   _

 

“Yeah.” Shizuo grumbles. “So you’re the guy that’s been following me?”

 

The boy’s eyebrow twitches and the left corner of his lip hitches up just the slightest bit.

 

“I’d hardly call asking you a few riddles in the library ‘following.’ You are the one who started chasing me after the second one, and now I find you here. Using my blanket.”

 

Shizuo flushes at being called-out and opens his mouth to argue before remembering that he really doesn’t have any solid evidence the other boy’s been watching him.

 

“Yeah well! Well you’ve been pissing me off! And it’s not like I knew this was y-yours or anything…” Untrue, but fortunately the other boy can’t prove that.

 

He hums and tilts his head back to look down his nose at Shizuo, some of the old mischief and arrogance creeping back into those eyes as he watches Shizuo rapidly lose control of the situation.

 

“Right, of course… Maybe I was just looking to make a friend? How was I to know you’d be so... _ sensitive _ ?” He purrs, eyelids drooping low on the weight of his lashes.

 

Shizuo glares at him, suddenly feeling a few degrees hotter. “A friend in Heiwajima Shizuo?”

 

The corners of his lips draw higher, the left side twitching a bit, almost uneven with the right as his expression twists.

 

“Well… who doesn't like making new friends?”

 

“If you're not following me, then why are you here?” Shizuo growls, trying not to lose focus on the way his slightly crooked lips match his glasses.

 

“Ah, see, now that was an accident.” The boy sighs, relaxing a bit and stretching a leg out towards Shizuo.If I was following you, then I wouldn't have gotten caught like this. Right?” He slumps his shoulders back into the support of the wall, lounging. As his posture relaxes the small patch of sweater that clung onto the top of one shoulder slides down, revealing just a bit more of that milky skin.

 

_ Focus. _

 

“So what are you doing here, tucked into this closet after-hours?” He drawls, sounding bored. But he can't hide the sharp curiosity in his eyes behind lazy smiles perfectly.

 

“Just lost track of time… fell asleep.”

 

The boy barks out a laugh, skidding just a bit too high on sincerity and giving it a slightly manic edge.

 

“You must be a light sleeper.”

 

“Or maybe you're not that quiet.” Shizuo has a feeling stealth is a specialty of his, but he’d challenge this boy over admitting the truth any day.

 

The two stare each other down and Shizuo desperately hopes he won't be able to see the truth. He hadn't fallen asleep. Well, not yet at least. 

 

Once he had the soft blanket and pressed the smell of bitter almonds to his nose,  _ just for a moment,  _ he had told himself. That was it. Shizuo completely lost track of time, steadily breathing in the air he'd been craving for weeks. He didn't think of the time he spent sitting there or the possibility of being caught. He didn't think of anything. And now the source of his newfound addiction is sitting a little more than a meter away with not bookshelf to separate them.

 

_ Focus. _

 

“I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing here? How'd you get in this room?”

  
  
  


 

Izaya falters at the question. Not that it's unexpected, but it is… undesirable.

 

“Just getting something of mine.” He purrs, managing to hold himself steady through the comfort of a well-practiced facade. He digs his foot hard into the money ankle of Shizu-chan’s crossed legs, intending to slide it into his lap where Shizuo still has his blanket but stops short. This small bit of rough contact is all he can bring himself to do. “And getting in isn't exactly a challenge.”

 

Shizu-chan’s eyes flicker in what looks like some kind of realization before his eyes narrow and his stare bores into Izaya with greater intensity. It takes everything Izaya has to meet that hard, golden stare - but when he does he realizes what a huge mistake it is. Shizuo looks predatorial, like a lion prepared to demolish a challenger. It makes Izaya feel like he's melting.

 

It makes Izaya want more.

 

He relaxes. He lets his grin spread wider, twisting up into the crooked sort of thing it always tries to be. He slumps even further, short sweater hiking up with the wall to expose his lower back to the cold floor as he lets his body slowly take up more and more space. He feels drunk on the intensity of that gaze and Izaya knows what he’s about to say is very stupid, especially considering how vulnerable he is right now. But he does nothing to stop himself, nothing to create any sort of defense as his arms go limp at his sides and he whispers:

 

“It's a pleasure to see you again,  _ Shizu-chan… _ ” voice rolling over the startling sincerity, dipping almost into sensuality. 

 

_ Now, let's see if I can see my monster again…. _

 

Shizuo’s face flushes a deep red with anger as he hisses.

 

“What did you just call me?!”

 

Izaya hums with the pleasure from the heat of the fire in Shizuo’s eyes. He lets his head roll to the side and dip back, exposing his neck and highlighting the all of his exposed crookedness.  _ Ah, he's so mad. He’ll kick my ass for sure. I've really done it this time. _

 

_ “ _ What the  _ fuck  _ did you just call me?!”

 

Shizuo lunges across the gap between them with a terrifying speed. He grabs the front of Izaya's sweater and pushes him the rest of the way to the floor, pinning Izaya on his back.

 

“Apologize and maybe I won't bash your fucking head in!” Shizuo roars at him,  _ in _ him because of how close he is. 

 

Izaya feels as though he's underwater and being washed away by its power.  _ This is it…  _ Izaya thinks, head spinning off into delirium.  _ Shizuo is so stupid, melting me with the heat of his anger before he can beat me up. You can't beat up a liquid, stupid… _

 

He feels his shoulders lift a good ten centimeters off the floor before being slammed back down again with greater force. His head jerks with the motion and the whole word whirls out of focus.  _ “ _ Wipe that stupid grin off your face!”

 

Izaya can't think enough to respond, but he can feel. Every bit of contact between the two of them feels like fire. So much better than the awkward itch of his teacher’s hand.  _ This is the best… why was I avoiding this again? There's just so much of… everything. _

 

_ “ _ Hey! What's your problem?! Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!”  _ I'm trying to, but everything is so… hazy.  _ Shizuo fists Izaya's hair and yanks it to force Izaya to look at him. Yanks it hard and yells something that Izaya can't hear anymore, pinned down by the beast’s roar, his breath, his passionate gaze, his big hands, his impossibly strong arms, his big, bad monster…

 

Shizu-chan’s grip on his hair tightens painfully and Izaya’s vision goes white, his mind wonderfully blank for a moment of shuddering bliss...

 

“My name’s Shizuo Heiwajima!”

 

And then, Izaya snaps back to reality. His eyes finally focus on Shizu-chan and he quickly searches Shizuo’s face for any sign that he noticed what just happened. All Izaya can see is anger and he’s never been more relieved. Quickly, he searches for something to throw the beast off.

 

“Shizu-chan, do you like mysteries?”

 

It seems to work nicely.

 

Shizuo’s brows furrow in confusion at the abrupt subject change.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I know you do.” Izaya presses on, preparing to make a risky gamble. “So how about this: you tell me exactly how I know the district's most notorious trouble maker dreams of solving mysteries for a living as a heroic detective and I’ll do whatever you want without complaint.” The thrill he gets from doubling-down makes Izaya wonder if he should be concerned about a possible future in gambling.

 

Shizuo considers him for a long moment, studying Izaya’s face in a way that makes him very uncomfortable. He’s never liked being stared at.

 

“Why would I give a shit about that when I could just pound your ass and be done with you?”

 

For a second Izaya can’t think of anything other than  _ holy shit holy shit does he not realize how that just sounded? Why would he ever word it like that? _

 

“You could do that…” Izaya manages after pulling himself together. “But I think you and your family might prefer to avoid a lawsuit.” Izaya isn’t sure he would actually press charges, already feeling addicted to the adrenaline coursing through his veins. If Shizu-chan went to prison where else would he find this kind of rush?

 

Shizuo grumbles “Fine.” and lets go of Izaya’s hair, letting his head drop to the floor. “But you have to give me time to get the facts together. Doin’ this shit right.”

 

Izaya can’t remember the last time he let his smile go so unrestrained. 

 


	10. A Terrible Son

Shizuo hopes, rather unrealistically, that Kasuka somehow forgot that Shizuo promised he'd investigate the secret lair today.

  
Kasuka, of course, asks immediately. Shizuo is home late without a single injury after all.

  
Shizuo manages to tell the story and omit all the embarrassing bits about how he felt. Except, of course…

  
“How did you know it was his blanket?”

  
With how feminine it was, it would've made more sense to assume it belonged to the librarian. And Shizuo just can't think of a good enough lie.

  
“It uh… it smelled like him.”

  
“It smelled like him?”

  
“... yeah.”

  
A few heartbeats of silence pass between the two boys and Shizuo’s leg almost starts shaking, jeopardizing the wellbeing of the couch yet again.

  
“I see. I would not have thought of that. You make a very clever detective.”

 

Relief floods Shizuo’s face. _Yes. Yes of course that's what it is. Detective work._

  
“Thanks.” He grunts, and tells the rest of the story with ease. Kasuka looks as surprised as Shizuo's ever seen him when he tells Kasuka that he finally had a face-to-face confrontation with the other boy.

  
“And he called me that awful nickname again. To my face while trapped in that closet with me. He must be completely insane!”

  
“Did you get his name?” Kasuka asks, having been silent for the majority of the story.

  
“I uh. Aw, shit I forgot! I'm such a fucking idiot!” Shizuo holds his head in his hands and the couch starts to rattle dangerously.

  
“You are not.” Kasuka places a comforting hand on his shoulder, his calm presence gradually getting Shizuo’s leg to stop twitching. “What happened after that?”

  
Shizuo tells Kasuka about pinning the other boy down and threatening him. Shizuo does not tell Kasuka how the other boy’s voice oozed pure sin when it purred over the syllables of pleasure and Shizu-chan. He does not tell Kasuka how the other boy looked under him, the way that embarrassment of a sweater that was in no way the cutest thing he'd ever seen hung off the boy's shoulder, the expanse of smooth skin shamelessly on display from under it when it started riding up on the floor. The way those stupid, in no way adorable, glasses sat crooked on a nose that must've been too small for them to balance on. The way he looked giddy, unfocused, and intoxicated with his eyes blown wide and dark.

  
Shizuo wonders if the closet was really dark enough for his pupils to be that dilated. He wonders if the other boy was high. It would explain why he goaded Heiwajima Shizuo, the most dangerous student, completely unguarded while in a small space.

  
But that just doesn't sound right to him.

  
Shizuo does tell Kasuka about the deal he ended up striking with the boy.

  
“Making deals does sound very villainous.”

  
Shizuo nods in agreement. “Definitely a shady guy.”

  
“He is not so clever after all.” Kasuka decides. “Or he really doesn't know you at all. You will definitely solve this mystery and he will lose.”

  
Kasuka’s encouragement and endless faith in Shizuo never fail to make him smile, and suddenly the events of the day don't seem so imposing.

  
“What will you tell him to do when you win?” Kasuka asks. Shizuo does not have an answer for him.

 

 

 

  
Izaya may have gotten out of the frying pan but now he’s hurled himself into the fire. He wonders how long it will take before he burns up into nothing.

  
He could spend all his time wallowing and thinking about what he should've done differently but that would be pointless. It already happened.

  
… but why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? Why did he have to keep pushing?

  
The memory of Shizuo pinning him down, screaming in his face with rage comes to mind for the seventh time since he got home, somehow forgetting his blanket in the closet again.

  
_Oh right, that's why..._

  
His whole body thrums with a pleasurable but unwanted heat just from the memory, pooling in his lower abdomen exactly the way he wishes it didn't. It's another cold shower for him tonight and then he really needs to force the girls into bed.

  
Izaya takes a deep breath and locks the bathroom behind him, practicing the same level of choir-boy self control he always does when his body feels like this, although he is far from innocent in every other respect. Thankfully, Shizu-chan is apparently a complete idiot and didn't notice what happened to Izaya when he pinned him down and yanked his hair, or else Izaya would definitely be dead.

  
He removes his sweater slowly, careful to avoid even the most minute contact with his nipples - knowing from experience what that does to him. Just before dropping the red torture-device onto the bathroom floor it finally hits him.

  
Shizuo saw Izaya in that.

  
_It doesn't matter. It's too late now. It doesn't matter_. Izaya chants to himself over and over, trying to swallow the embarrassment. He's not bothered by the fact it happened because of another man so much as it being because of another person. The potential issue of homosexuality is secondary to the fact that Izaya felt almost no sexuality until recently.

  
He drops the sweater and works open his pants with even greater care. Izaya can't even bring himself to look down at the sticky mess he's made of a perfectly good pair of boxer-briefs.

  
_He didn't notice. It's fine. It doesn't matter. It's fine. Everything is fine._

  
His eyes burn with mortification.

  
Izaya's body is numb by the time he allows himself to step out of the shower and he wishes he could feel this numb all the time.

  
He pulls on his black t-shirt, shorts and socks that he wears as pajamas, tosses his soiled clothes from the day into the laundry - mentally noting that he'll need to buy more detergent soon - and goes to the living room to find the twins.

  
Mairu and Kururi are tuckered out in front of the TV while an action movie he probably shouldn't be letting them watch plays. The girls are barely awake, curled up together in their favorite blanket that's full of holes which he should really fix.

  
Izaya gathers the toddlers up into his arms and after a moment of internal debate on whether or not to rouse them. Ultimately he decides that while he's not always the best brother he should at least try to balance out his shortcomings with some better care. So he carries the girls to the bathroom and wakes them up to make them brush their teeth before sending them to bed.

  
They beg and beg to be tucked in and given a story, just as he feared they would, and he agrees with a tired sigh. Sounding and feeling like an over-worked, single mother.

  
Izaya, of course, is not a single mother. They are merely his sisters and he is merely their brother. The three of them have a mother and a father, both of whom are alive and well, married, and financially comfortable.

  
Izaya and his sisters just haven't seen them for over a month. Again. Their parents are constantly traveling for work, leaving Izaya to care for their little girls.

  
When Izaya was a child he used to move with them for their work. He has been to three daycares, four elementary schools, and two middle schools. When Marui and Kururi where born his mom and dad finally decided that maybe it wasn't for the best that their children would have to grow up without a stable home and decided to settle down in Ikebukuro.

  
Or more accurately, they decided to buy a house in Ikebukero and have Izaya make it a home.

  
His sisters are a handful, but he doesn't resent his parents. Izaya understands why they're never around, they've never hurt him, they send plenty of money for groceries and bills, and sometimes they're even there for birthdays and holidays. When Izaya was a young child he would get upset that his parents never paid much attention to him, but he matured quickly enough. The twins are more persistent on having affection than he ever was, which he really cannot understand considering the fact that the two of them are always together. Surely that should be enough, but no. They still demand at least one hug a day and a kiss goodnight.

  
Izaya tries not to spoil them, but he usually gives in despite his concerns at how much slower they may mature than he did.

  
The girls are asleep in no time and finally Izaya can retreat into his room. Despite how badly he wants to sleep the numbness of the shower and emotional exhaustion are starting to wear off again. Soon the noise in his head starts up again - confusing jumble of His thoughts on Shizuo, how he might get out of this mess, and all his research on deviant behavior that's yelling at him to finish it. He's spent his whole life trying everything short of medication. It's never quiet.

  
Another sleepless night for him.

 

 

 

  
Shizuo and Kasuka are putting away the last of the dried dishes when the front door opens and their mom is finally home. Once again, no sign of their father. While their mom is hardly at home because she works three jobs, their father is always out late because he drinks and gambles all their mom’s hard-earned money away.

  
Their father always says that one day he'll make up for it by winning big.

  
In Shizuo’s eyes the man’s only consolation is that he'd never hurt his wife. He’s kind and grateful to her, but he's still pathetic.

  
Shizuo truly believes that his mother is a real-life angel.

  
Whenever Shizuo locks himself away after a bad day his mom always comes in to check on him. Her hands are rough and calloused from countless hours of work as they thread through his hair and she asks him about his day. Shizuo always confesses everything to his mom. What happened, how he felt, the amount of damage he caused this time…

  
And every time she holds him close and tells him it will be alright. She says that it's okay, it's not his fault he's like this, that she's proud of him for containing his anger a few moments longer than the last time. That she loves him and that will never change.

  
When Shizuo was little, that made everything better. Now he just feels like his piss-poor excuse of a father. He can't control his drinking and gambling just as Shizuo can't control his strength and temper but Shizuo's mom always says she forgives them.

  
Shizuo can never forgive his father, he will never be good enough for his angel of a mother. Shizuo can never forgive himself. He’s a terrible son.

But he doesn't want to be. So he puts everything he can into helping out at home. He has the dinner he made hot and ready for her by the time she's finished hanging her coat and taking off her shoes.

"Ah, Shizuo you're a life saver. This looks wonderful!"

He smiles and tonight can be proud to tell her that thanks to his community service in the library he hasn't been in a fight in over a week. He knows he's still not the son she deserves, but he'll never stop trying.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long this chapter took, but I'm in the thick of exams and papers. Most of you guys probably know how it is :)
> 
> I don't normally do big A/Ns but I felt it was important that I clearified something here in case I didn't write it well enough in the story.
> 
> Izaya is not, and never was asexual. Please do not misunderstand his lack of sexuality for asexuality! I do not want to give the impression that asexuality can be "cured" by the right person nor do I want to invalidate it! It's a perfectly legitimate orientation just like any other piece of the LGBT+ community, Izaya is just not one of them. He may wish he was but it, of course, is not a choice.


	11. I Want It All

After hours of lackluster thought at four in the morning Izaya had decided that if Shizuo’s going to be actively pursuing him there's no point in him trying to keep his distance either. So, he's going to throw himself into his study and enjoy it while it lasts until Shizuo inevitably kills him.

  
He's awake when his alarm goes off. As usual, getting the girls’ breakfast, lunch, and dropping them off at school goes by in a blur. But by the time he gets to school he's decided what he wants to do today.

  
It's reckless, crazy, and completely unnecessary. He can hardly wait.

  
If Shizu-chan wants to play rough, Izaya more than happy to oblige him. Years of mind-numbing boredom are finally coming to an end.

  
So today, he decides to pay a little visit to his favorite little secretary.

  
He waits and watches for Nakura’s shift to begin during the time when most students are in class and makes his move, locking the door to the guidance office behind him.

  
Nakura’s playing poker on his phone and losing miserably when Izaya creeps up behind him. Really, Izaya is doing him a favor by taking him out of the game early.

  
Quickly he thrusts Nakura’s chair forward into the front desk hard, pinning him between the harsh edge of the desktop and the chair with his foot while wrapping his jacket around the boy’s head tightly - cutting off his vision and restricting his breathing by tightening the cloth around Nakura's throat. Nakura is frozen in panic and held down by the adrenaline-driven strength Izaya didn't know he had.

  
“Hey there Nakura, remember me?” Izaya rasps in the boy’s ear, dropping the pitch into something dangerous and flirty.

  
“Wh-wh-what do you want?” Nakura gasps, squirming in his seat until Izaya stills him by twisting the fabric around his neck. “Pl-please! I gave you what information I had! Please don't! D-don't make a big spider crawl into my mouth!”

  
Izaya chuckles and touches his lips to where Nakura's ear is under the jacket. “Oh no, no spiders this time…” He chuckles and blows a hot, teasing breath into Nakura's ear. “This time I'm going to spare a poor, innocent spider and go for something a bit more… on hand.”

  
Nakura begins struggling with renewed vigor and Izaya knows he won't be able to hold him for long. He twists the fabric even tighter to cut off Nakura's breathing for a moment and throws his weight forward on top of Nakura, lunging across the table to grab the freshly brewed pot of coffee.

  
Izaya presses the hot glass to Nakura's face through the jacket, just enough for him to feel the heat and get the picture.

  
“Hey now, relax Nakura. You might make me spill this coffee.” He eases off on the pressure on Nakura's neck and slides the pot up his face to rest the scalding, metal base on the top of his head. The jacket protects him slightly, but the heat is seeping through quickly. “That would be too bad, it smells great for being bought on a teacher’s salary! Did you make it?” Nakura whimpers and curls in on himself with as much give as he can find against Izaya’s hold.

  
“Y-you can't keep doing this to me! I'll report you and you'll be expelled!” Nakura squeaks.

  
Izaya laughs openly, letting Nakura hear that high edge of mania he always tries to hide. “And who exactly are you going to be reporting?”

  
“....”

  
Izaya's grin splits across his face so wide it hurts, but that just makes it funnier. Another laugh bubbles up in his chest.

  
“All I want to know is Heiwajima Shizuo’s school and counseling history.”

  
“W-what…?”

  
With a sharp tug Izaya yanks Nakura’s head back, tilting his face up. His arms are starting to burn from the grip he’s kept on the other boy for so long, so it's time to wrap this up.

  
“Everything the school knows about Heiwajima Shizuo is on file here and _I want it all._ Get me copies of everything. Past schools, criminal record, grades, anger management classes, everything.”

  
“But… but I don't have access to-!”

  
Izaya let's the tiniest drop slip from the pot straight onto his forehead. Nakura yelps and tries to keep still despite the little spike of pain in fear of actually knocking the full pot out of Izaya's hands.

  
“If you don't want third degree burns now and even more suffering later until I get bored you're going to get access. Understand?”

  
Nakura’s voice cracks pitifully as he starts to cry. “Please I don't! I don't know how!”

  
Izaya frowns but can believe that. Nakura doesn't seem to have much in the way of actual skills, but he can't let this all be for nothing. As much as he has enjoyed this side of Nakura he needs more from this transaction.

  
“I'm afraid that's not good enough.” Nakura sobs and Izaya cringes at the thought of all that snot on his jacket. Good thing it was cheap. “But we're friends, right Nakura?”

  
Nakura nods quickly and Izaya can't tell if the tremble he's feeling is from Nakura or his own tired arms.

  
“We are, so I'll give you a week. Find me as much as you can about where the files are or you'll wish I had burned your face today.”

  
“Okay! Okay, I promise!”

  
Izaya purrs a satisfied hum into his ear and presses a kiss to Nakura's cheek without thinking. Nakura cries even harder.

  
“That's a good boy. See how nice it is to be my friend?”

  
Izaya places the coffee pot on the desk to tie his jacket around Nakura's head, satisfied that he’s sufficiently freaked this boy out enough to let go long enough to pour a cup for Nakura before taking his leave, deciding that he can leave his jacket behind. It's not worth taking and revealing his identity and there’s nothing distinct about it to tie it back to him. Just a simple black thing he hasn't worn to school in years.

  
Izaya blends seamlessly into the crowd of students rushing to class and wonders what he should use to play with Nakura next time. There's just so many options to be found in common office supplies alone.

  
He thinks that next time he’ll try out those thumbtacks.

 

 

 

  
Now that his biggest lead, the closet, has turned up no physical evidence for the boy’s challenge Shizuo is at a loss for where to begin. He and Kasuka were up for hours pouring over notes that seem more and more useless as time goes on. He can't stop thinking about the boy but still has no ideas. He doesn't even have a name. _Stupid, useless brain!_

  
Starting from square one, the basics, feels overwhelming but it's all he's got. The boy goes to the school and frequents the library. He's proven he's tricky and has no problems breaking in the back or apparently vanishing when the librarian appears during a case, but surely _someone_ who works there has seen him before. It's a start. He briefly wonders if he should try and draw him, like a police sketch artist. Shizuo’s always liked drawing and doesn't think he's too bad, but he dismisses the idea quickly. He's sure he'd die of embarrassment.

  
So description it is.

  
Shizuo skips lunch with his friends to get this investigation started. He doesn't know how long he had but doesn't want to take any chances.

  
Naturally he starts with the first person he sees when entering the library. The desk assistant who is terrified of him, as if he'd ever hit a girl.

  
He walks up to her and draws her attention away from her textbook by clearing his throat. She jumps a bit at the noise and smiles up at him politely until her brain registers who it is and all the blood drains from her face.

  
“Hei-Heiwajima-san!” She squeaks, curling under his gaze.

  
Shizuo’s shoulders draw up defensively at her reaction and his eyes dart away, suddenly finding it hard to look at her. “Um, hi…” He mumbles. “I just wanna ask you somthin’ real quick…”

  
“O-okay…”

  
“Do you uh… do you know a guy that's about… 5’4, black hair…”

  
The girl gapes at him, mouth opening and closing around words she can't form when Shizuo realizes his mistake. He literally just described at half of Japan.

  
“Aw shit, that's not helpful…” Shizuo grumbles, mostly to himself, and gives his hair a self-conscious ruffle. “He uh… he comes here a lot, probably spends a lot of time in the back…” Shizuo wonders how much he can say before he starts sounding creepy. “Real skinny guy, glasses?” _Terrible fashion choices, adorable nose, hypnotic eyes, addictive smell…_

  
“U-um… the only boy I know who regularly goes into the back is Orihara-san. He's here all the time.” Her face flushes as she says his name and Shizuo can't help feeling the twitch of irritation. _Don't tell me she’s… attracted to that little vermin…_ “But I don't know if I've ever seen him in glasses… sorry!”

  
_Orihara_ … Shizuo mouths the name to himself, feeling the unusual shape of the name between his lips. Orihara is a start, and if that's him he must wear his glasses around people like he wears ugly cat sweaters.

  
“Do you know his first name?” Shizuo presses.

  
“I-I-Izaya…” she says, sounding anxious about calling him by something as personal as a first name. Meaning that if she is attracted to him they certainly aren't that close. Shizuo feels a bit relieved, most definitely because he'd hate to see nice girl like her involved with such a shady guy, of course.

  
“Orihara Izaya.” He repeats, tasting the name for the first time. It's certainly an odd one, and he feels a bit strange saying it. “Thank you very much.” He dips his head to her and retreats to the back, looking for some quiet to mull over his next move.

  
_I'm coming for you, Orihara Izaya..._

 


	12. Make You Mine

Shizuo barely manages to settle himself into the comfortable silence of the back shelves when a whisper oozes between the shelves.

  
“What has 13 hearts, but no other organs?”

  
Shizuo’s heart catches in his throat and he has to swallow it back down before he can reply.

  
“Izaya.”

  
Izaya is silent for a moment and Shizuo likes to think that he may have surprised him.

  
“... front desk tell you that? I'm impressed Shizu-chan, not only did you manage to interact with a human civilly, but you also communicated in a way they could understand! Tell me, have you learned to parrot enough human words or do you think she was able to actually translate your primal grunts?”

  
“Shut up!” Shizuo snaps at him. “You're just nervous because I'm on your tail. You're not as clever as you think - that riddle sucks. It's a deck of playing cards.”

  
“Well you haven't shown much proficiency in solving my riddles in the past, so I figured I should dumb it down for you.”

  
“I did figure out the other riddle, asshole. It was a memory.”

  
Izaya hums from the other side of the shelf and slides out a particularly large volume at eye level to peer through at Shizuo. “Ah, so you're a detective after all. Tell me, did you complete my challenge?”

  
Shizuo glares at him and reaches through the gap to flick Izaya on the forehead, making him jerk away with the unusual amount of strength. “Not yet, you said you'd give me time.”

  
“Right, you were just making my expectations so high…” Izaya bites out sarcastically, rubbing the developing bruise on his forehead. “But giving you infinite time just wouldn't be fair either, now would it?”

  
Shizuo tenses in anticipation. He and Kasuka were already expecting a time limit to be imposed but now that it's coming he's nervous. What if it's something crazy, like three days? Heros can always save the world in three days in the movies but Shizuo’s not so sure he can manage. He doesn't think he's got enough good Karma for that.

  
Izaya presses against the bookshelves again to look up at Shizuo, the same sly mischief as the last time he peered through the cracks in the shelf to capture Shizuo’s gaze. “I'm thinking… a month.”

  
A month? Shizuo leans against the shelf and considers Izaya's words. _Shit, if I managed to get his name in a day… maybe I really can do this._ “Deal. One month starting today.” _This bastard’s over-confidence is going to be the death of him some day._

  
“Mmm, so confident you can catch me, Shi~zu~chan?” Izaya purrs through the shelf, voice curling low and heavy over seduction that makes the hair on the back of Shizuo's neck stand. “How scary… What are you going to make little old me do?” Shizuo’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when they catch the sliver of tongue that licks over Izaya’s pale, pink lips - giving them a soft, wet shine. “Oh, just thinking of the possibilities of being subjugated to a beast like you gives me goosebumps…” Izaya's eyelids droop under those heavy, dark lashes but he doesn't break eye contact once. Not even when Izaya bites his lip, turning it a sinful cherry color.

  
_What the fuck what the fuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck._

  
Shizuo's mind scrambles to makes sense of what he's hearing, what he's seeing, and why the room suddenly feels too hot.

  
He can't make sense of it all. He refuses to make sense of it. Instead, Shizuo resorts to a tried and true method of dealing with his problems.

  
Shizuo's arm shoots through the space Izaya created between the books and grabs the front of the little freak’s uniform before he can escape. The hole was at Izaya’s eye level and he is much shorter than Shizuo, but Shizuo’s arm is long and Izaya's body is light. Yanking Izaya up off his feet and holding him pressed against the shelf to stare him down through the small space at Shizuo’s level is effortless.

  
_“I'm going to make you say my name.”_

 

 

 

  
Izaya feels like little more than a rag doll in Shizuo's unbreakable grip. He feels helpless, vulnerable, and this rush is nothing like the power trip he experienced with Nakura. This is different. It takes his breath away, makes him feel hot again just like he did trapped in the closet with Shizuo. Again, the world spins, though not as fast as it had before. This time he can hear Shizuo's low, heady growl loud and clear.

  
_I'm going to make you say my name…_

  
Really, it does nothing to help cool the raw heat pounding through his blood.

  
Izaya brings his shaking hands up to grab Shizuo’s arm, unsure if he wants to break free or hug it closer but it doesn't matter when either way he can simply enjoy the futility of his struggle to make Shizuo's arm budge.

  
_Ahh, this is the best…_

  
Izaya manages to choke out a reply, his own voice sounding far away in his ears.

  
“You'll have to catch me first…”

  
Shizuo’s grip tightens and it reminds Izaya of how he twisted the fabric of his jacket around Nakura’s neck and some frightening part of him wonders how it might feel to have Shizuo do that to him.

  
“Your ass is mine, Orihara Izaya…”

  
Shizuo's tone is menacing and his voice is quiet, low enough to fit neatly into the little bubble that has become their world. His growl is deep and heavy on the sincerity of his words, singing a tempting promise into Izaya’s ears. Shizuo's eyes… the eyes of an apex predator… send a possessive rush through him. Izaya is sure that this monster is meant to be all his.

  
Izaya's lashes flutter around the pleasure buzzing through him, high on the danger and the contact. Finally, through the cotton in his head, he decides to wrap his arms around Shizuo's in a useless gesture to keep him close. Izaya strains his abdomen to tip his balance forward, bringing his face even closer to Shizuo’s and rests his forehead on the cool metal of the upper shelf. After years of religiously distancing himself from others Izaya wonders what has gotten into him when he feels as though the gap between them is unbearable. He presses his lips to the top edge of the spine of the book in front of him and wonders for the first time in his life what a kiss feels like when he whispers to Shizuo like he's sharing a deadly secret.

  
“I look forward to it… Shizu-chan… ”

 

 

 

  
Panic shoots down Shizuo's spine and he drops Izaya like he's been burned. Like the heat of the other boy had suddenly become too much to bare. He doesn't even hear Izaya's yelp as the spell between the two of them is broken, just throws himself back into the opposite shelf in an attempt to steady his pounding heart.

  
This is like nothing he's ever experienced before. He's never felt like this, the constant adrenaline in his system has never thrummed to fast. Never before had intimidation backfired this much. Normally when he meneces people are afraid. That's how it works.

  
With Izaya all the rules have changed and Shizuo doesn't know what to do and he can't think of anything through the thick fog that clouded his mind from seeing Izaya looking like that. From the way the smell of bitter almonds saturated the space between them so dense and wet he could almost taste it...

  
“Ouch! How rude, stupid brute…” Izaya grumbles from the other side. Shizuo doesn't know how to respond except…

  
“Shut up!” And storm away with the excuse that lunch is almost over anyway.

  
Shizuo ducks into the nearest bathroom, slamming the door to a random stall closed behind him. He sits on the toilet and presses down hard on his crotch with both hands, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to will away being half-hard.

  
_It's just a coincidence. I'm a teenager. It happens. It doesn't mean anything. It's fine_


	13. Very Secretly, Crazy

“Iza-nii, Iza-nii!” Mairu chirps, running circles around Izaya’s legs and her sister Kururi who is clinging to his jeans as he scrapes bits of cooled hamburger steak and cheese off his sister's plates.

“Iza-nii! We wanna play dress-up tonight!”

“Iza-nii… is pretty.” Kururi murmurs, looking up at him.

“Yeah! Me and Kururi make Iza-nii the prettiest princess! Well, not as pretty as Kururi but almost!” Mairu stops circling to tug urgently on his other leg.

Izaya sighs and drops the dishes in the soapy water, resigning himself to doing them later when he finally gets the twins to bed.

“Alright, but only one game.” Izaya barely gets to dry his hands before the girls drag him up to their room.

It's a whirlwind of frilly accessories and low-quality makeup but thankfully Izaya never has to worry about the twins fighting over what to use. So he just lets the have their way, making a mess of his hair as they pull his bangs back with lacey yellow and pink bows. While they decide which lipstick to use he looks over to the mirror leaning against their wall and has to admit, they are getting better. He does his best to adjust a bow that's pulling on his hair a little too hard without “messing it up” and thinks that yellow really isn't his style. The pink isn't quite as bad.

Secretly Izaya is happy he has girly sisters. It gives him an excuse to buy pink things for himself.

If Shizu-chan ever asks the pink blanket is because of his sisters. Not because he likes to wrap himself up in a color as warm and fluffy as the blanket. Not because he wanted something so girly.

The twins settle on some bright red lipstick that comes out muted because of how cheap it is, and some bubblegum pink blush that they use as eyeshadow. When the girls tumble off him again to grab a gold, plastic tiara he looks in the mirror one more time.

Very secretly, he thinks the color brings out his eyes.

And very, very secretly, he thinks about what he might look like in velvety smooth, expensive lipstick - a deep, sultry burgundy rich with pigment.

Mairu jams the tiara on his head, making the bows tug painfully on his hair, and loudly declares she is going to be the dragon this time and Kururi is going to be the handsome knight.

He lets Mairu drag him up onto her bed - the locked tower - and tries not to wonder if Shizu-chan would like him more in lipstick and ribbons.

But soon enough Kururi “rescues” her "oneechan" and instead of slaying the dragon she tames her and they all ride off into the sunset together.

Tonight he only needs to read half a story before the girls are fast asleep.

He picks up the toys, wipes off the makeup, takes the ribbons out of his hair and is about to go finish the dishes when the mess of bright colors on the tissue in his hand makes him pause.

Tonight, he holds onto the ribbon, grabs the makeup, locks himself in the bathroom and sits on the sink, settling in front of the mirror.

Tonight, Izaya combs his bangs and carefully arranges them with the pink bow.

Tonight, Izaya uses his index finger to gently pat pink blush on his eyelids and smear tinted vaseline over his lips. For an uncounted number of minutes, he considers his reflection.

Tonight, Izaya is glad his parents aren't home.

 

 

  
Nothing. Three days of asking everyone who so much as makes accidental eye contact with him and Shizuo still has nothing useful on Orihara Izaya.

He's made note of the details he has received. Little things like -

_“Oh the name rings a bell but I can't really tell you any more. Sorry!”_

_“I think he might be in my class but I never see him… Now that I think about it, that is kind of weird!”_

_“Your description sounds like a kid I went to middle school with but I don't think he goes to our school. The kid I knew was totally crazy! Real creepy. I heard some guys were picking on his glasses, just joking around and all, and the next day their school bags caught fire!... I mean, I don't_ know _that it was the kid with the glasses who did it but I'd be willing to bet it was.”_

 _“Orihara? Of_ course _I know him! No matter how hard I study he always gets higher marks than me! I don't even think that asshole goes to class!... Huh? Why would I know anything about his hobbies? I'm not his friend or anything.”_

_“Never heard of him.”_

After the incident in the library, Shizuo had two more pieces of information to add to his wall. “A deck of playing cards,” and, of course, Orihara Izaya. Shizuo omitted the rest of the little… details. Of that particular day.

Now he's not so sure any of the new information he has scribbled in his notebook is wall-worthy. He knows every little bit helps but… some of the things people said might just be rumors, or not even about Izaya to begin with. Two things seem certain.

One, Shizuo has spoken to a wider variety people in these threes days than he has all year.

Two, the only solid testimony seems to be that Izaya always scores high on tests despite ditching class.

Shizuo had thought that since he was able to get Izaya's name so easily through a conversation that he could get more the same way.

But a week is more than half over and he feels like he's asked everyone except…

Teachers and his friends. Each terrifying for their own reasons.

Teachers were often just as afraid of him as students and he doesn't get along with them at all. With Shizuo's reputation, they never speak to him unless they have a moment of bravery and give him detention, and they might even assume that Shizuo's targeting Izaya for something dangerous.

Well, that's not too far from the truth…

His friends are easier to talk to, but the issue is that he'll have to explain why he's trying to get information on this guy and Shizuo has no idea what to say. He's the worst liar but he can't just tell them… can he?

Shizuo is smoking on the roof with his friends today, deep in thought about what he's discovered so far and considering his next move before he blurts out something insanely stupid.

“Tom, has anyone ever picked on you because of your glasses?”

Tom and Kadota look at him, bewildered but how bizarre of a question it is. Shizuo wants to punch himself in the face. How stupid can he be? _That piece of gossip isn't even about Izaya!_

_Unless…_

“Uh, Nope, can't say that I have. That's more of a kid thing, I think, and I got them late in middle school. Plus I'm on good terms with everybody.” Tom says. “Why do you ask?”

“Ah, just… curious.”

_Unless that rumor was about Izaya! That library girl who's crushing on him doesn't even realize he's got glasses ‘cause he keeps it secret. If that's true then!-_

Shizuo crushes his cigarette, slings his bag over his shoulder, and rushes back to the door, mumbling some excuse about something as he rushes out.

He does feel bad for ditching his friends so much, but he can't help it. He's on a mission.

With long strides he clears the distance between the roof and the library quickly, pushing his way through crowds returning to class as lunch ends. Shizuo doesn't care. It's not like his teacher actually wants to see him in class anyway.

Without anything more than a cursory nod to the girl at the desk he strides right into the back of the library, picking up a book on gangs that catches his eye as he goes. A quick glance through the shelves with no sign of Izaya drives Shizuo further into the back.

Without thinking enough to hesitate Shizuo raps his knuckles on the storage closet and calls to Izaya.

“Hey, it's me. Open up, I know you're in there.”

There's no answer, and Shizuo feels a little flicker of a doubt before squashing it by tasting the air.

“If you don't open this door I'll just have to get the librarian to do it for me.”

Another beat of silence, then the door creaks open.

_I knew it._

"Shizu-chan, how lovely it is to see you," Izaya says politely with the fakest smile Shizuo's ever seen, like Shizuo's an unexpected house guest he does not want to welcome inside. Izaya remains firmly planted in front of the little crack of the door that he's opened up, peering up at Shizuo from under a pink, fluffy cloak. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Shizuo scowls and tries not to pay attention to the radiating smell of bitter almonds or how... ridiculous. The other boy looks wrapped up in that blanket. Instead of replying he just shoves the door open further, throwing Izaya back inside.

Izaya regains his balance against the shelf behind him and lets the blanket slip off his head and shoulders, revealing a much more ordinary black, long-sleeve shirt and school jacket.

"My, my... " Izaya teases, adopting the same flirty tone from three days ago. "Do you have a warrant, officer? Or are you just going to cuff me right here and now?"

"Shut up." Shizuo snaps, vowing not to play into Izaya's hand today and imagining anything but Izaya in handcuffs. "Just here to ditch, like you." He shrugs off his blazer, rolls up his sleeves, and plops down on the floor adjacent to Izaya, and opens up the book he grabbed on the way back here.

Shizuo can't explain why he's here, can't explain why it feels so important to talk to Izaya about his middle school life, can't even begin to decide how to initiate that conversation.

But that doesn't matter. He's here now and damn it he's going to make Izaya talk about those rumors.

If it's all true... If Izaya was bullied and retaliated by setting things on fire... Then Izaya is crazier than he thought. Shizuo doesn't know how to handle crazy. In fact, he probably shouldn't even try to handle crazy - he should stay far away from crazy. Crazy is the last thing his life needs.

But Shizuo takes a deep breath that makes his head spin in the best way and shifts his body so he's leaning against the door, barricading them inside again.

One glance up at Izaya, who's frozen and staring down at Shizuo in shock with those twinkling eyes, and Shizuo knows he wouldn't be able to stay away even if Izaya decided to set the whole school on fire.


	14. Self-Indulgence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing another little author's note to clarify the makeup scene of the last chapter. It has come to my attention that the way I wrote it may not have clearly conveyed my intentions for Izaya's character in this story. I am not writing Izaya as a trans or genderfluid character. I can see how my writing for the last chapter may have made it look that way but that was not what I was going for; my use of the term "girly" in regards to Izaya's exploration was meant to portray the influence of culturally rigid gender norms and I do apologize if I did not make that clear enough. In my story, Izaya has no history of discomfort in regards to his pronouns or body dysmorphia and I do not intend to start that now. The makeup scene was just Izaya's interest in it as a male and genuine, unsustainable curiosity - as well as me indulging in the guilty pleasure of dolling Izaya up a bit. Again, I'm sorry if I did not write it well enough and I hope to improve with characterization in the future. 
> 
> Thank you for continuing to read and for all the amazing feedback, constructive criticism, and kudos! Without further ado, onto the next chapter!

  
Shizuo has had plenty of time to think since he and Izaya's last encounter through the bookshelves when he… randomly got a little hard. He's decided that's all it was. After all, there is no logical reason he would be attracted to Izaya. He barely knows the guy and what he does know is that Izaya is a little shit. Sure, Shizuo can admit, he is objectively attractive. But that doesn't make Shizuo gay. Shizuo still likes women, still has no problems jacking off to mild-mannered, traditionally beautiful, mature Japanese women. Therefore, Shizuo cannot be gay. Getting half-hard around Izaya does not make him gay. Correlation does not equal causation… or something like that.

Whatever. Shizuo has made his peace with that unfortunate event.

He sits guarding the door unnecessarily, the pink blanket draped between him and Izaya - half on each of their laps. Shizuo wonders if maybe Izaya gets cold easily. It would explain having a blanket here all the time.

It's been two hours and Shizuo still hasn't gotten around to asking Izaya about his past, but somehow, he doesn't mind.

Instead, he's been listening to Izaya explain the evolving perspectives on gang formation through the last few decades. Izaya's talking a mile a minute, flying between perspectives, relating them to one another, and drawing connections to various philosophies. Shizuo can hardly keep up with it all, but he isn't about to stop Izaya. Shizuo is amazed.

Izaya is sitting across from him, cross-legged, back draw up straight, as though a wire is pulling on his spine while he practically vibrates with excitement. Every part of his face is lit up with a pure investment in the subject. Fascination that Shizuo's never seen on another boy’s face so blatantly.

He explained the perspective the book Shizuo picked up in minutes, as well as information on the author and his own hypothesis on why the author took the perspective he did - going to depths no classroom Shizuo's ever been in has.

Izaya talks with his whole body, completely engaging Shizuo as an audience and Shizuo can't decide if the boy is a performer, a sociologist, a psychologist, a philosopher, or some out-of-control genius.

He thinks that Izaya might be all that and more.

Shizuo had completely abandoned the book to listen quietly and enjoy watching Izaya in the privacy of his head. Shizuo unconsciously tracks the wild movements of Izaya’s arms, the way his fingers dance around and make abstract shapes as though they could help get his point across, the way he smiles - weird and twitching and crooked, the way his big glasses barely stay on his face.

The way he twitches towards his bag as he goes off on a particularly complex tangent. Like there's something inside that might help him explain it all.

But Shizuo really isn't all that curious about it. He's sure he'll kick himself for not trying to figure it out later but right now he doesn't care. Izaya’s voice is bright, the blanket across his lap is warm, and his lungs are full of the toxic smell. He feels utterly content. A drunk sort of satisfaction from having his concerning addiction eased. Right now, Shizuo feels good. He doesn't think about why he feels like this because of another guy, he ignores the nagging in the back of his mind that says he doesn't deserve this peace.

 

 

Izaya didn't know what to do when Shizuo barged in and made himself at home with a book Izaya finished months ago, but now Izaya is too swept up in the moment to care. He doesn't think he's ever spoken so many words to a single person in one sitting. Certainly never anything of Izaya's personal interest.

The sane part of Izaya's mind demands that he shut up already. Nothing good can possibly come from this. But he just can't stop the words from spilling out.

Izaya is anything but stupid. He is very well aware that his physical attraction to his Shizu-chan is impeding his better judgment.

Izaya must finally acknowledge, consciously, that he has the most fun when he is with Shizuo and that he just does not have the self-restraint to stop having fun.

He supposed that he never really has been good at denying himself fun. From skipping class, to playing with his classmates, to provoking a monster. Izaya lives to self-indulge and he does not plan on stopping.

Maybe he's still flying high off of finally trying out something he's always wanted to last night. Maybe it's a cumulating power rush from pushing socially acceptable limits again and again from little things like trying out makeup to imposing his will over Nakura's so extremely. Maybe it's the way Shizu-chan looks at him so intently, like Izaya will never be forgotten or ignored.

Whatever the reason, Izaya is having the time of his life.

The one thing he does have to make a conscious effort to stop himself from doing is digging through his backpack to show Shizu-chan his notes. Each and every one of his notebooks is like an intellectual diary to Izaya in which he's had intimate conversations with the authors - Izaya knows he's not ready to share that.

Not to mention one of his notebooks is about Shizuo. While there's no reason his Shizu-chan would suspect he had such a thing, Izaya would never take the risk that it might fall out of his overstuffed bag into the lap of the very person it is about.

That would just be weird.

So Izaya indulges. He talks and talks. Laughing at his own jokes, voice straining from being used so thoroughly for what may as well be the first time in his life. Shizuo listens. He doesn't say anything, doesn't so much as grunt to show he's listening. Somehow, Izaya knows he's listening - at least a little. Or maybe Izaya's finally letting his delusions get to him.

“Hey, Shizu-chan.” Izaya blurts out.

Shizuo grunts. So he is listening.

“I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscle, yet I rule two hemispheres. What am I?”

Shizuo frowns, confused. “Another riddle? Right now?”

Izaya doesn't know why, but he's suddenly a bit nervous. He tries not to show it, but he can't help the slight concaving of his chest.

“Why not?” He chirps, covering his minuscule change in posture with the blinding bright of his tone. “There's no rule that says I can only test your brain from the other side of the bookcase.”

Shizuo blinks and sits up straighter. “I guess not…” his gaze slides off of Izaya and into his lap where he preoccupies his hands with smoothing out creases in the blanket. “What is it again?”

Izaya repeats the riddle and the closet falls silent as Shizuo considers it, only broken by Shizuo’s mumbles of repeating the words and he rolls them around.

“Eyes… ears… lobes… the fuck are lobes? Like an ear lobe?”

Izaya bites his lip and can feel the familiar stuffer of giddiness warming his face. “Sorry Shizu-chan! No hints or I might give it away!”

Shizuo grumbles and ruffles his hair with his hands. “Ugh, come on, that's not a hint, that's just…”

Izaya's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and he laughs, “Shizu-chan, don't tell me you don't know how riddles work! Figuring out what the words really mean is what it's all about!”

“Shut up!” Shizuo barks. “I know how riddles work, okay!”

Shizuo keeps mumbling and after a minute or two his leg starts to shake and Izaya happily takes mental note of the tell.

Then, after his hands start to twitch a bit, Shizuo grabs his bag. Izaya frowns, really nervous now.

“Running away so soon?” He teases, or at least, he tries to. His voice cracks the slightest bit on the end and the hopes Shizuo didn't notice.

“No way.” Shizuo grumbles and starts fishing inside of his bag. So reminiscent of Izaya's own behavior that his heart leaps into his throat. “Just give me a minute.”

A ratty notebook and nub for a pencil come out. Izaya feels like he's in a dream when Shizuo flips it open, giving Izaya the briefest flash of some of his notes as he searches for a clean page.

“Tell me one more time.” Shizuo demands, pencil poised on the paper.

Izaya manages to say his riddle again, and if he stutters or his voice cracks, he can't hear it. Every sound outside of Shizuo's pencil scratching over the paper is muffled and distant, like Izaya's on the verge of passing out after too many sleepless nights.

But Izaya isn't passing out. While Shizuo thinks through his words on paper Izaya thinks… dares to consider that maybe… Shizuo could understand, at least a little. Maybe, when Izaya's ready, he could open up one of his own notebooks around Shizuo.

It's hard to tell how much time passes while Shizuo thinks and Izaya tries to get his imagination under control and come back to the real world. Fifteen? Twenty minutes of measuring his breathing and finally Izaya collects himself enough to kick his leg out hard into Shizuo's shin.

“Do you give up?” He asks, doing his best impression of arrogance as he tries not to think about how the kick hurt him more than it hurt the impossible body of Heiwajima Shizuo. “It's the human brain. The lobes refer to the four regions it's divided into.”

Shizuo sighs and drops his notebooks and pencil off to the side. “Damn…” he sighs, digging his palms into his eyes and rubbing with a force Izaya shudders to think about. “Don't ask me a fucking science riddle, I don't know any of that shit.”

Izaya laughs again, feeling oddly light-headed and warm by how comfortable he feels, nestled in his favorite place and playing games with his favorite monster. “Alright.” He finds himself agreeing before he can think to pick on his Shizu-chan any more than purring his words in just the right way to make Shizuo squirm. “Next time I'll ask something just right for a hardened detective.”

 


	15. Serving Up Justice

Shizuo was right. After he left the closet and the fog in his head cleared he wanted to punch himself in the face for basically wasting an entire day which he could’ve spent investigating… what was it again?

_How Orihara Izaya knows my secret, childhood dream._

_Right._

And if he fails?

_I don’t get my demand and Izaya keeps being a nuisance._

When Shizuo struck that deal it seemed much more important, but as time passes, it just seems silly. What a shitty deal.

_That’s what I get for making deals when I’m pissed. I’m such a fucking idiot._

Shizuo could, of course, forget the whole thing and return his life to normal. Forget Izaya, save for some library riddles until he gets bored with Shizuo. That would be the sensible thing to do.

_But…_

Shizuo sighs and lights his second cigarette on his walk home, dragging his feet despite the winter chill for more time alone.

_But that’s not going to happen._

Izaya knowing that stupid kid dream isn’t really a big deal, but Shizuo has to know how he knows. It’s a blend of curiosity, pride, and a growing refusal to lose.

Shizuo isn’t so sure he wants Izaya out of his life anymore - this game isn’t about that anymore. He isn’t so sure _he_ could stay away from Izaya. That thought alone is terrifying to Shizuo. But he can’t let Izaya win. That’s out of the question. He cannot let the bad guy win.

Even if the bad guy is really… charismatic. That’s the most dangerous kind of bad guy.

Shizuo nods to himself, quickly losing the world around him to his imagination as he walks on autopilot.

He imagines chasing down his villain through bookshelves that grow into dark skyscrapers that make a maze of the city at night, the villain’s scent muted by the rain and exhaust fumes but still fresh as long as he stays hot on Izaya’s tail.

Can’t let him get away from me this time.

_Shizuo’s been tracking his crimes for months and finally figured out where the red-eyed…_

_demon? Mastermind? Kitten? No! Not kitten. Um…_

_After months of tracking the red-eyed panther-_

_Yeah, panthers are pretty cool. They’re supposed to be almost impossible to find and super dangerous. That sounds like him._

_After tracking down the infamous Red-Eyed Panther, cut-throat Detective Heiwajima finally found his secret lair and was able to get one step ahead of the supposed mastermind to intercept him at his next crime. The rest of the police department was taken down by this fiend’s henchmen so there’s no calling for backup. It’s just between the two of them._

_The Panther attempts to lose him in the dark alleyways but Detective Heiwajima is undeterred. Then, the Panther tries to out-maneuver him by climbing a fire escape, but that’s just the window Shizuo needs to catch up._

_At the last moment, Detective Heiwajima grabs his sworn enemy by his ankle and drags him to the ground. The little kitten-_

_No!_

_The Panther is no match for Detective Heiwajima’s strength and is trapped! Even this tricky villain cannot escape justice in the end._

_“Red-Eyed Panther. Or should I say - Orihara Izaya!” Detective Heiwajima says, pinning the smaller man beneath him face-down into the cracked, wet asphalt as he forces the villain’s hands behind his back to cuff him. “You’re under arrest for multiple accounts of breaking and entering, assault, arson, and-”_

_Uh…_

_“Torture!”_

_Izaya struggles to no avail, small body barely able to jerk more than a few centimeters in either direction before meeting the hard wall of muscle trapping him. As each of his attempts at freedom fail his struggles becomes more superficial. Like he’s humoring the detective. Eventually, he stills. Slowly, he turns his head to look up at Shizuo, revealing the smooth, pale plains of his cheekbones tinted with the dirty street and murky city light. A single, infamous red eye entrances Shizuo with a glimmer that has nothing to do with the streetlights. The villain’s big, crooked grin splits across his face as he locks eyes with Shizuo and licks his pouty, swollen lips. Instead of struggling, Izaya pushes his ass up into Shizuo’s hips and his eye droop under his thick, black lashes as his lips part to speak what will only be poison._

_Shizuo’s body is much too hot despite the wind chill. Absent-mindedly, he loosens the scarf his mom gave him and sucks in a lungful of crisp air around the heat of his smoldering cigarette._

_“Oh, Shizu-chan…” Izaya purrs, arching like a kitten. “Handcuffs already? Mmm, I can’t wait…”_

**CRACK!**

Shizuo is wrenched from his daydream by the sound of a wooden bat shattering against his skull more than the impact itself. But it’s not the attempt on his life that makes Shizuo put the assailant in intensive care rather than just knock him out. It’s the fact that he made Shizuo stain the scarf from his mother with the blood from his head wound.

The rest of the gang that decided to jump him tonight are just getting sent to the hospital.

While Shizuo is in a rage, tearing up public property and tossing around men like paper airplanes, he doesn’t usually notice much. Any sight, sound, or thought beyond the immediate reach of his fist vanishes for the duration of the fight, and he can’t even remember how much he hates violence while becoming blissfully unaware of everything but the rage inside of him. But lately, Shizuo had been very observant.

Just observant enough to notice a pattern among his attackers.

Not bad attitudes and false bravo and broken noses - none of that is unusual.

All of them are in blue.

 

 

 

 

All of the women around him are sorely mistaken if they believe the dirty looks they’re throwing him are going to make Izaya try to control his sisters. If they want to terrorize the supermarket while Izaya checks off items on his shopping list - alleviating the pressure of figuring out a way to deny them a million kinds of candy - then he’s not going to stop them.

He’s not much of a cook but over the last few shopping trips he’s taken to browsing the fresh produce section in search of inspiration. Normally he just buys frozen and instant food for the girls to avoid the hassle of cooking, but that stuff is really disgusting. The girls seem to like it. Izaya does not.

‘Not much of a cook’ doesn’t quite cover it. He’s not burn down the house bad, but he’s never liked a single thing he’s made. The real trouble is: Izaya has no idea what he’s doing wrong. He has recipe books, he knows how to read, he follows the instructions perfectly, the food comes out fine, the girls eat it, but he _hates_ his own cooking. Hates it to the point of letting perfectly good ingredients spoil while procrastinating using them because it feels like it’s better to let it waste away than ruin it by touching it.

Izaya thinks that maybe he just hasn’t been inspired enough yet. Cooking is an art, after all. Inspiration is necessary. So, here he is, in the produce section, looking for inspiration.

But he’s got nothing. No ideas. Even looking into the carts of mothers and grandmothers around him doesn’t give him any. Izaya shudders, instant ramen it is…

He knows his preferred types of food, but he’s never eaten something and loved it. Most likely because all he ate as a kid was what he could manage to microwave by himself. The budget his parents send him covers bills and groceries fine, but it’s not enough to try any fine dining. So, processed food and whatever he attempts to make is all he’s experienced so far.

Izaya is the kind of person who, generally, does not do what he does not want to do. He does not want to eat gross, over-processed food or his own cooking. Therefore, Izaya does not eat until he must. He’s skinny and maybe won’t grow as tall as he could, but he can accept those consequences.

When Mairu and Kururi start tugging on his jacket, begging to go to the pastry isle, he knows he’s spent long enough staring at ingredients he’ll procrastinate using until they rot and decides it’s time to go.

With his arms full of cloth shopping bags and his bus seat full of two toddlers telling him a disjointed story about recess that he pretends to listen to the Orihara family is finally on their way home for the day. Izaya is exhausted. This day has been jam-packed with more interaction than he’s had in months and that’s taking its toll on Izaya. He blinks slowly, feeling the fumes he’s been running on start to vanish and involuntarily relaxes into the crusty bus seat. Izaya takes a deep breath through his nose when the bus stops at a red light a few blocks from their stop and lets his eyes slide away from his sisters for just a moment to glance out the window.

On a suspiciously clear patch of sidewalk a bloody, staggering Shizuo is walking in the same direction as their bus and is out of sight in a flash as the traffic light turns green.

Izaya lurches forward to catch the bags he almost lets slip from his arms in shock, completely awake now and blinking rapidly to clear his vision.

Sure, it shouldn’t really be that surprising to see Shizuo outside of school as they live in the same city, but it’s still a jarring thing to experience. That, and the obvious fact that Shizuo has a bleeding head wound. That was a bit unsettling to see.

Izaya, of course, knows all about his Shizu-chan’s reputation, but it’s different seeing someone - some monster - appear so damaged yet so unaffected, and it’s been a full month since Shizuo’s had a fight. Especially a big one. _What happened?_

The bus can’t arrive at their stop fast enough. Mairu and Kururi can barely keep up with the pace of his stride as he rushes them back home. Setting them up with dinner and a movie as a whirlwind but Izaya can’t get out the door fast enough.

It’s disturbing to think about seeing Shizu-chan outside of their usual area of interaction, Izaya’s desire to find him and figure out _what happened_ is so much greater.

_Who touched my monster?_


	16. Home Invasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here, have a disproportionally long chapter.
> 
> Why am I like this?

The pounding, ringing in Shizuo's head is deafening as he stumbles home, unable to hear his own heavy footsteps and barely able to hold his thoughts together.

_Damn it… Mom and Kasuka are going to be so upset when I come home like this… and I've been doing so well._

_...shit. Are we out of milk? I think I need to go pick some up…_

So it really shouldn't be a surprise that he doesn't notice someone trying to get his attention until boney fingers are digging into his left shoulder and a wavering voice gasps -

“Shizu-chan!”

Directly into Shizuo's ear.

Shizuo whips around, instinctively throwing the hand off of him and stumbles back to face whoever could be crazy enough to approach him so soon after a fight.

“Who the fuck…” Shizuo snaps, trying to focus on the small, dark figure in the dying light of the evening. It takes him longer than it should to recognize the object of his daydream right in front of him.

Izaya stares back at Shizuo, arm still partially stretched out and eyes wide as though he was the one who was just snuck up on.

“What the fuck Izaya…” Shizuo mumbles, dropping his head into his hands, digging his palms into his eyes to try and make the world stop spinning. “Don't sneak up on me like that! I could've killed you!”

“ _Sneak up on you_?” Izaya repeats, bewildered tone prompting Shizuo to raise his head. “I've been calling your name from the other side of the street till now.”

“Oh.” Shizuo says, lacking any desire to banter and having a hard time focusing his eyes on Izaya’s as they keep sliding off to other parts of the other boy's face. _Have Izaya’s ears always been that pink_? He wonders, squinting and leaning forward towards Izaya.

Izaya steps back to maintain a large radius of personal space.

“What happened to you?” He demands, gesturing to the excessive amount of blood on Shizuo’s face.

Shizuo blinks slowly, staring at Izaya’s nose which lacks glasses but seems to be pinker as well. He blinks again and has to repeat Izaya's words to himself before he can answer.

Shizuo strings together his thoughts just long enough to explain. “Got into a fight… some blues guys hit me over the head with a baseball bat…” before losing his train of thought. “Iza, why is your face so red?” Shizuo asks, eyes trailing down to Izaya’s lips next.

“It's winter you idiot, I’m cold!” Izaya snaps his fingers in front of Shizuo’s face to get his attention, looking very annoyed. “I shouldn't be surprised a monster like you is walking after a head injury like that and yet I am. You need to get home before you pass out and die out here.”

“Shut up, not a monster…” Shizuo grumbles out of reflex before Izaya's words really sink in. _Home… get home… aw shit._

“Hey, Iza…” Shizuo stumbles forward a bit, steadying himself on the Red-Eyed Panther’s shoulder who flinches at the contact. “Do you have any seltzer water?”

Izaya blinks rapidly, and the flutter of his thick eyelashes seem to be moving up a bit slower than the rest of the world.

“I mean… I don't want to drink it or anything… shit’s nasty. It's just that my Mom gave me this scarf and I got blood all over it. I wanna wash it before she sees it…”

Izaya scowls and Shizuo wonders why he's never seen Izaya make this face before, he knows he makes it all the time.

“Your Mom is going to be upset that you got blood on her scarf?”

“No, no…” Shizuo shakes his head and instantly regrets how it makes to world start spinning again. “I'm upset I got blood on it… and she's gonna be so sad if she sees I got in another fight…” Shizuo blinks and tries to find Izaya's face again. It’s a pretty good face. “Maybe you got some… I dunno, hydrogen peroxide? I heard that's pretty good… oh, I don't wanna drink that either.”

Izaya’s body becomes stiff as a board and he glances to the side, biting his lip in thought. This draws Shizuo's attention and narrows his focus straight to Izaya’s lips again and how red and shiny they are.

“My house isn't that far,” Izaya says, clipping his words short. “I'll see what I've got.” He turns sharply, wrenching his shoulder out of Shizuo's loose grip to lead the way.

The walk to Izaya's is a blur and soon enough he's bumping into Izaya’s back while he's fishing in his pockets for his keys, sending Izaya staggering forward into his front door.

“Sorry…” Shizuo mumbles, grabbing Izaya’s sleeve to try and steady him.

Izaya huffs and stuffs his keys into the lock, but hesitates before turning them.

“I'm warning you now, Shizu-chan. I have little sisters.”

Shizuo brightens with this information, not understanding why Izaya sounds so ominous.

“Really? I've got a little brother. I mean, he's really not that little but… I've got a brother.”

Izaya sighs, turns the lock, and pushes the door open.

The heat that hits Shizuo's face makes him fully realize that he's been stumbling around in the cold and he's immediately drawn to it, almost tripping on the half-step up into the Orihara home.

Izaya locks the door behind them and the two barely have enough time to toe their shoes off before a loud, high-pitched squeal slices through Shizuo's eardrums.

“Iza-nii!” A little girl screams, running up to them with what appears to be Shizuo experiencing double-vision. He wonders if he really should go to the hospital. “Who's this? Why’s he all bloody? Is he a dangerous yakuza?”

When Izaya kneels down and takes two girls into his arms Shizuo breathes a sigh of relief. There are in fact two girls there. They are twins.

“Quiet down you two. This is just someone from my school that needs help. I'll make you two some ramen and then you can go play quietly somewhere for awhile.” Izaya says, voice low but authoritative, leaving no room for argument. Shizuo never thought he could sound like that, he only associates Izaya with flirtation and teasing. _He sounds good like this too…_

“But Iza-nii doesn't have any friends!” The loud one with braided pigtails protests. Shizuo snorts at the brutal honesty. _Izaya’s got some pretty cute sisters._

Izaya shoots him a dirty look and carries the girls further inside. Shizuo follows. He sits the girls down at their kitchen table, cluttered with junk mail and crayons, and directs Shizuo to the bathroom so he can wash his face.

Looking at his reflection in the immaculate mirror, Shizuo is a bit disturbed the twins responded as well as they did. He looks like a dead man.

He makes quick work of scrubbing off most of the dried blood and then fills the sink with cold water to let the scarf soak.

When Shizuo goes back to the kitchen to sit at the table, he fully realizes how badly he's needed to sit down.

“These are my sisters,” Izaya says as water boils on the stove behind him. “Mairu.” He places a hand on the talkative girl with the braids. “And Kururi.” He places a hand on the quiet girl with short hair.

“And that monstrosity.” He points to Shizuo. “Is Shizu-chan.”

“Hey!” Shizuo snaps over the girls' laughter before he can even think about how he might accidentally scare them. “That's not my name. My name is Shizuo Heiwajima!”

The girls, thankfully, are not scared.

“Shizuo-nii, Shizuo-nii!” Mairu chants, bouncing in her seat.

“Shizuo-nii…” the Kururi whispers, smiling up at Shizuo and warming his heart.

The girls are loud and Shizuo can see why Izaya felt the need to warn him, but in the end, it would've been impossible for Shizuo not to love them. Being a big brother is his greatest pride and while these aren't his sisters that doesn't change Shizuo's love for kids.

“Shizuo-nii… boyfriend.” Kururi whispers, stalling Shizuo's train of thought.

Shizuo doesn't trust his head enough to think that he heard her right. “Wha-”

“You're right Kururi!” Mairu shouts. “He's just like the guy Iza-nii-!”

 

 

 

  
Izaya clamps his hands over his sister’s mouths, never having felt like becoming an only child before like he does in this moment.

“You two.” He threatens. “Are going to stop talking before I let you go to bed hungry tonight with no story.

“Nooo!”

“You can't just not feed your sisters!” Shizuo snaps, causing Mairu to let out a muffled cheer.

Izaya glares at him but is grateful that Shizuo's still too out of it to insist on backtracking the conversation. Izaya’s mind works quickly to keep Shizuo away from the fact that his sisters almost just ruined everything. If he had known the girls read his field notes he would've let Shizuo stumble all the way back to his family covered in blood.

“I bet you really spoil your brother.”

“Kasuka isn't-!”

“You have a brother!” Mairu wrenches his hand from her mouth and chirps, changing the subject just as Izaya had hoped she would. “Is he tall and handsome like you?!”

“Does he like to play dress up?” Kururi ducks under Izaya’s arm and leans forward over the table.

Izaya steps away with a sigh of relief and turns to finish the ramen with that crisis averted. Shizu-chan can handle his sisters for a few minutes. It's nice to make dinner in peace for once.

Dinner with a full table is surprisingly nice too.

With Mairu and Kururi fed and playing by themselves upstairs Izaya can finally focus on Shizuo.

Turning to see Shizuo. His Shizu-chan. Sitting at his kitchen table after having dinner with his family. With the quiet comes the opportunity for the full effect of this situation to finally kick in, and Izaya’s not sure his heart can take it.

 _What was I thinking!_ He chastises himself, swallowing hard standing up. _Oh, that's right, I wasn't thinking! This is what happens when you don't think! Stupid!_ As graceful as possible he rounds the table, picking up the dirty dishes.

“Alright, Shizu-chan.” He says, trying his best to keep his voice as steady as possible despite the fact that the person of his interest is here. In his house. _As if having my closet invaded wasn't bad enough._ “I'll put these aside and you go get that scarf of yours. Let's get this over with.”

Shizuo nods, but it takes him a minute before he manages to stand and even longer to fetch the scarf. Izaya goes through the practiced motion of rinsing dishes, ignoring the way his hands shake and pushing worry away.

_My monster will be fine… but the Blue Squares… need to be dealt with._

Izaya had no idea how he's going to take on an entire gang by himself. A gang that assaulted Heiwajima Shizuo. But he's going to.

By the time Shizuo comes back into the kitchen Izaya's cleared the sink and found some hydrogen peroxide for them to treat it. He's never had an issue with bloodstains, but he supposes Shizuo must have, so he steps aside and lets the beast take over.

…

…

……

But Izaya can only stand the most awkward silence of his life for so long.

“Should you be in the hospital right now?”

Shizuo snorts. “You worried?”

“No,” Izaya says, resting forward against the counter on his elbows and feigning an aloof disposition despite the defensive color flaring up in his cheeks. “I just don't want to have to worry about disposing of your hulking body if you die in my house.”

Shizuo actually laughs at this and if Izaya felt red before he’s sure his ears must look like they're  stained with blood too at this point. He has to fight off the instinct to snap _what's so funny_ and keeps his composure by focusing on Shizuo’s bruised hands working out the stains.

“You think you can get rid of a body and not get caught?” Shizuo asks, tone mostly light except for the slight edge of paranoia Izaya might be imagining.

But who would Izaya be if he didn't tease his Shizu-chan a bit?

Izaya shifts his weight to one side, leaning in towards Shizuo and jutting his hip out so it brushes against Shizuo’s ever so slightly. Shizuo tenses visibly, light brown eyes darting to Izaya before trying to refocus on his task.

“Of course I can.” Izaya replies easily, pitching his voice low. He raises his hand and places it on Shizuo's shoulder for the second time today, digging his boney fingers into the muscle as if he could leave bruises as thoughtlessly as Shizuo gave them to him while steadying himself.

Izaya watches Shizuo intently, hoping that his sisters will keep to themselves just a bit longer so he can watch Shizuo uninterrupted.

Slowly, Izaya brings himself up on his toes and leans in towards Shizuo’s ear, rubbing his shoulder just a bit while he whispers.

“I can get away with anything I want, isn't that right _Officer_?”

Izaya lets his words hang in the air, waiting perfectly still to see what Shizuo will do. The world stops for them again, leaving the air between them suffocatingly hot. Three heartbeats of deafening silence pass between them and Izaya starts to wonder if something is wrong. Shizuo is completely frozen. Maybe the head trauma is too much after all?

Then, time starts again.

“Fuck off.” Shizuo grunts, shouldering Izaya off of him.

This time, Izaya laughs.


	17. Hot Chocolate

Because of Izaya’s, and later Kasuka's, insistence Shizuo and his brother are going to be up all night. Apparently, a person with a concussion is supposed to be woken up every hour to make sure they don't die or something. Not that any of them actually _know_ if Shizuo has a concussion. Shizuo tried to tell his brother he was fine, but Kasuka insisted they didn't risk it and agreed not to tell their Mom if Shizuo lets him do this. Shizuo agreed, but only because he felt guilty.

  
This time the fight wasn't even his fault. He was jumped in the street by a gang.

  
Still, Shizuo is sure that if he didn't have such a harsh reputation it wouldn't have happened.

  
So the Heiwajima brothers have a slumber party of sorts, which Shizuo allows because it's a Friday night. The two lounge in Shizuo's room, Kasuka with some green tea and Shizuo with a chocolate bar for comfort.

  
They talk for awhile about what happened that day, and this time Shizuo doesn't have it in him to try and omit particularly embarrassing details. This time he tells Kasuka _everything_.

  
Shizuo is getting very tired of the way he's been feeling and this convoluted game he's been playing with Izaya. It feels good to get it all off of his chest to his usual confidante.

  
Kasuka doesn't interrupt as Shizuo tells him all about how amazing and terrifyingly intelligent Izaya is, how Izaya might be some kind of spontaneous pyromaniac. He nods and leans into Shizuo's story about how Izaya took him home for dinner with his cute, little sisters.

  
“-and fucking hell, Kasuka, he tucks in his sisters and reads them bedtime stories every night! _That's way too fucking cute!”_

  
Kasuka remains patient as Shizuo stutters and eventually chokes out how attractive and flirty Izaya is.

  
With everything out in the open and Kasuka's quiet support in the form of a steady hand on his shoulder, Shizuo feels much better.

  
“You do not have to worry.” Kasuka tells him. “There is no need to pressure yourself to figure it all out right away. You'll be my big brother no matter what you decide.”

  
Shizuo doesn't even know why he was worried in the first place. If there's anyone in the world willing to accept Shizuo, no matter what, it's Kasuka.

  
Still, Shizuo is confused about his feelings towards Izaya. If someone else, say his friend Kadota, told him that they were physically attracted to another boy, Shizuo would assume that meant he was gay. Plain and simple. If you're a man who is attracted to another man you are gay. But Shizuo isn't gay. He can admit to himself now that he, personally, is attracted to Izaya. He doesn't have much room to deny it when he's almost had… inappropriate thoughts about that other boy more than once, but Shizuo is sure he isn't gay.

  
_So what is this? Am I losing my mind? Is Izaya actually a normal boy being possessed by a lust demon?_

  
_Actually… that last one would explain a lot._

  
When the conversation dies down the brothers sit in peaceful silence and read together. Kasuka is on the floor leaning against Shizuo's bed and seems to be reading some paranormal, action thriller that looks pretty shitty to Shizuo, but it's none of his business. Shizuo is sitting cross-legged on his bed with a translated Sherlock Holmes novel on his left thigh, and an open notebook on his right to help him follow the case. This time, for sure, he'll solve it first.

  
As the night wears on and Shizuo starts to lose focus from exhaustion after such a wild day and his imagination starts to wander, he becomes even more thankful for Kasuka's presence. His imagination goes down dangerous paths. Dark, rain-soaked alleyways with dangerous little kittens kinda paths, someone might even say. With Kasuka sitting in the room with him there's no danger that Shizuo will get so lost in thought that he might … do things he's not sure he won't regret on Monday when he has to face Izaya again.

 

 

 

 

  
Into the late hours of the night and dark hours of the morning Izaya finds out everything there is to know about the Blue Squares he can online, spending the majority of the time sifting through senseless rumors.

  
But internet rumors and pictures of Blue Square tags in back alleys isn't going to be nearly enough to punish the gang. Izaya has never terrorized more than two or three people at a time in the name of revenge and the more he thinks about the task ahead of him the more unrealistic it seems, but Izaya cannot let them go unpunished. Maybe he will not be able to make them feel the consequences of their actions any time soon, but Izaya is patient for the right cause.

  
For now, he still has information to gather. Izaya doesn't believe in much except for one absolute truth: knowledge is power. If there's one thing Izaya knows how to get his hands on is knowledge. He’ll deal with Nakura on Monday, for now, his focus is on Ran Izumi - leader of the Blue Squares.

  
From what Izaya has been able to gather, Ran is still a middle schooler, which is surprising consider the size of the Blue Squares. Ran also does not seem to be very clever, which raises more questions as to how he's been able to create this gang. Ran has one thing going for him, a will for committing violence beyond that of a normal teen. Most kids are all big talk, but Ran has a reputation for ruthless which is very real.

  
But even the power of violence is not above the power of knowledge. Maybe in the heat of a single moment it can seem greater, but in terms of the bigger picture, information and the ability to utilize it will always come out on top.

  
Ran is a brute but Izaya knows, without even meeting the boy, that he is better.

  
Izaya is going to enjoy watching Ran crumble.

  
On this crisp, clear Saturday Izaya decides to take his sisters out for lunch and then around the city for a walk. Even a gang as dumb and brutal as the Blue Squares won't attack a family with little girls on grounds as silly as them getting close to their territory - purely on accident of course. While Mairu and Kururi bounce around him with big, pink cheeks and hot chocolate - excited for a day out with their brother - Izaya notices and mentally categorizes every Blue Square on the streets. None match the description of Ran Izumi, but Izaya accepts the information that he can get. He takes note of the way each and every member he sees walk, how they talk, what they talk about, how they treat the men and women who walk too close, the way they dress, everything.

  
The way they treat women intrigues Izaya especially.

  
By the time Mairu and Kururi finish their hot chocolate, Izaya has a general profile of the Blue Squares and memorized the names and faces he could observe.

  
It's not enough, but it's a start.

 


	18. But We're Both Boys

 

“Hey, Shizuo, where you been?” 

 

Kadota, Tom, and Shizuo unofficially meet up in an alley around Sunshine 60 every weekend to hang out and smoke, but lately, Shizuo's been too busy with his weird  _ crush  _ to think about it. After that sense of calm he attained with Kasuka last night and being exhausted from staying up all night, he's ready to revisit the other people in his life. 

 

“Sorry guys, things’ve just been kinda crazy…” Shizuo mumbles in response to Tom, joining the guys against the alley wall. 

 

“What kinda crazy?” Tom asks conversationally, offering Shizuo a light for his cigarette.

 

Shizuo accepts the light and considers his answer.  _ Where do I even start? _

 

“... It's complicated.”

 

Tom frowns. “Your community service can't be all that complicated… unless… Shizuo, did you meet a girl?”

 

Shizuo goes scarlet and almost inhales his cigarette before he can even think to try and keep his cool. While Tom isn't right about him meeting a girl, the implications are the same. 

 

“N-no. I didn't meet a girl.” Shizuo replies between coughs, happy that he isn't lying to his friends at least.  _ It's way more complicated than that.  _

 

Tom and Kadota give him strange looks of disbelief and Shizuo knows that if he was in their position, he wouldn't believe him either. But he can't just tell them he's… been thinking about a  _ boy _ .  _ That's gay, I can't say that. _

 

_ Can I? _

 

“Okay…” Kadota says, braving the awkward silence. “If it's not a girl then what's up?”

 

Shizuo closes his eyes and thinks about the last couple of days, resting his head back against some cracked bricks as he takes his time with a drag. Then, he realizes the most perfect, obvious answer. It won't account for all of his absence but it'll change the topic.

 

“Got jumped by some gang in blue yesterday.”

 

Tom's eyebrows shoot up into his hairline and Kadota sucks in a sharp breath. 

 

“The Blue Squares made a move on you?” Kadota demands, leaning forward and lowering his voice. 

 

“If that's what they call themselves.” Shizuo shrugs, refusing to whisper like his friend is. 

 

Tom whistles and ruffles his dreadlocks. “Seriously? Those middle schoolers are going crazy if they wanna fuck with you…”

 

Kadota takes the topic far more seriously. “What exactly happened? Did they say anything?”

 

Shizuo thinks back to evening on the empty sidewalk. “They ambushed me with a wooden bat to the back of my fuckin’ head, which hurt like hell…” He recalls, but try as he might, he can't remember if any words were said around him through the red, violent haze of the moment. “and I don't remember if they said anything. Just put those idiots in the fuckin’ hospital and called it a night.”

 

“Damn man, a bat…” Tom grumbles. “They must know about your rep so it makes sense they'd bring weapons but still… bashing people over the head is some serious shit. You can kill somebody like that.”

 

“I know.” Shizuo snaps and pulls the cigarette from his mouth, already grinding his teeth in anger at the memory. “You can't just go around doin’ shit to people that could kill ‘em!”

 

“Whether they realize what they're doing or not, they aren't playing kid games.” Kadota agrees. 

 

Tom lets out a deep, tired sigh. “Geeze… stuff like this really makes me feel like an old man, y’know… sure, we do stupid things but gang violence is something else entirely.”

 

The three nod and sigh together, sliding down the wall to rest in silence. Shizuo considers what it means to be in a gang, why people form and join gangs. 

 

The book he read talked a lot about gangs being made for people looking for a family, a place to belong - and how they can destroy communities because they become so consuming that boys are forced to join them for protection. At face value, Shizuo thinks he can understand. If he did not have a good support system at home, who knows where he'd be? He's a delinquent as is and is looking for acceptance like a lot of the guys who are part of gangs. 

 

But when Shizuo thinks deeper, looks inside himself, he's not sure he can relate at all. Shizuo doesn't feel like it's in his personality, his core, to settle for artificial acceptance. He doesn't think he could join a group of people he disagreed with for a sense of family or whatever, no matter how lonely he was. He feels inherently different from the types of people who join gangs and not just physically. But that could be a product of upbringing as well… 

 

_ Aw fuck _ … _. this psychology, philosophy shit is ridiculous. Why can't people just not be assholes? _

 

_ … maybe I'll ask Izaya if he thinks people are born different or raised differently. I bet he's got a lot to say about it. _

 

Remembering Izaya brings Shizuo back to what Tom said, about him finding a girl, and he can feel a blush painting his face again. Shizuo ducks his head to let his blond backs shadow over his face to hide the color. 

 

Izaya is not a girl. Therefore, Izaya will never be the girlfriend Tom was asking about. Izaya is a boy. Therefore… if Izaya is really…  _ like that _ and Shizuo is  _ like that  _ too then… Izaya would be his boyfriend. Maybe.

 

Shizuo's face feels hot like the smoldering tip of his cigarette which he sucks in closer through a flurry of nervous breaths, trying to think quieter now. Whispering in his own head as though his friends could ever hear his thoughts. 

 

Shizuo wonders if having a boyfriend is like having a girlfriend. He's never had a girlfriend before, never even had a serious  _ crush _ before - he feels entirely out of his depth.

 

But Shizuo has imagined what it might be like to have a girlfriend before. 

 

He wonders if someday, he and Izaya could go get ice cream together and take a walk in the park. Maybe feed some birds and… and hold hands. 

 

_ Aw shit… _ Shizuo frowns in annoyance, finding a dilemma already.  _ We’re both guys so who would pay for the ice cream? _

 

He thinks about sharing lunch with Izaya, tucked in some quiet corner together while they enjoy a homemade boxed lunch. 

 

_ But it's a girl thing to make the bento, right? I mean,  _ I _ make a good bento but it's a girlfriend thing… but neither of us would be the girlfriend… _

 

He thinks about introducing Izaya to his brother, finally. Having Izaya over for dinner with his Mom. Introducing Izaya to his friends… 

 

_ Oh no… that's it. This imaginary relationship has too many complications. I can't do it.  _

 

He thinks about Izaya in that awful sweater and those nerdy glasses. He thinks about babysitting Izaya's sisters, how they call him Shizuo-nii. He thinks about curling up with Izaya for a bedtime story with the girls. He thinks about reading a mystery novel together, racing to see who can spoil the end first, wrapped up in that stupid, sweater-blanket. He thinks about Izaya, dangerously smart and quick and so beautiful it's unfair. He thinks about… maybe someday…  _ kissing Izaya.  _

 

_ Maybe it wouldn't be too complicated. Maybe I could do it. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


On Monday morning, as promised, Izaya paid Nakura a visit again. 

 

This time Izaya brings a disposable dust mask to school to better conceal his identity in case Nakura decides to try anything stupid, but when Izaya sneaks in behind Nakura, losing at poker again, and blindfolds him with a black bandanna he didn't resist. Just lets out a little whimper of fear. 

 

How boring.

 

Nakura brings Izaya to the back room where all the files are kept, unlocked with a key he stole from one of the counselors, and keeps a look-out at Izaya's request while he looks through the files. 

 

This room contains files on all students, both physical and digital. He has to be careful to pick through the room without disturbing the piles of boxes and files, not leaving so much as a clear spot in the thin layer of dust that wasn't there before. Despite some poor organization, Izaya makes quick work of finding his Shizu-chan. 

 

All of his information from elementary school is physical, yet to be digitized with the changing times, and kept shoved into a rickety filing cabinet with a ring of coffee stains. As much as Izaya wants to read them right now, he knows he shouldn't waste time and pulls out his phone to photograph them all instead. The digital copies on the computer take a bit more time to find because of how slow the computer itself is, not because Izaya has to hack through any sort of security. The password to the computer is on a post-it note on the edge of the monitor. Typical. He saves the files onto his flash drive which he stuffs in his pocket. Izaya closes up the files, turns off the computer, and slips out. That was almost too easy, and Izaya is only disappointed that Ran Izumi doesn't go to their school. What a gold mine that would be. 

 

Not that Izaya expected this to be too difficult. It's a school, not a bank. 

 

Nakura keeps his head ducked down, quivering as Izaya walks by, not even looking at him.

 

“U-um…” Nakura squeaks, “That's it right? You got what you wanted! Y-you'll leave me alone right?”

 

Nakura's fear and submission sends a now familiar, still pleasant rush of power through Izaya. Feeling lighter than he has in days, Izaya can't resist skipping back behind Nakura for what may or may not be a final time. Depending on his possible future uses. 

 

Nakura's body curls in on itself like a dying bug when Izaya approaches him and Izaya can see the sweat matting his hair down to his forehead. Despite how disgusting it is, Izaya covers Nakura's eyes from behind, like a flirty lover, and whispers to Nakura. 

 

“I got what I wanted, thank you for your cooperation, but I can't promise I won't visit you again - since we’re such good friends.” Izaya giggles at his own joke and presses a kiss to Nakura's sweaty cheek through the dust mask to put the icing on the cake of terror before skipping out of the office. Straight guys are so easy to frighten with even the tiniest suggestion of homosexuality.

 

Except for Shizuo, apparently. 

 


	19. Too Creepy?

On Monday morning Shizuo decides to head to the storage closet and visit Izaya, but when he knocks Izaya doesn't answer.

Shizuo frowns, wondering if their time spent over the weekend together really hadn't made them closer at all, but when he bluffs about getting the librarian this time there's no answer. Shizuo has never considered the possibility of Izaya hanging out somewhere else before, but this morning that seems to be the case.

 _Oh no…_ Shizuo can feel the blood drain from his face upon realizing a horrible possibility. _What if Izaya noticed that I'm…_ like that _about him? The guy always acts way more flirty than me but… what if I've just been imagining that because I'm hot for him?!_

Before Shizuo can panic and think himself in circles, he hears that horrible nickname behind him.

“Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo turns to see Izaya, with his usual dark circles but no glasses around his eyes.

“Don't call me that.” He growls, more out of routine than any anger. “Where've you been lurking this morning?”

Izaya chuckles,  his laugh tinged with slightly more mania than usual. “Oh, here and there. Causing terror and all that.” Shizuo isn't sure that his words are the joke he frames them to be. Izaya seems weirdly happy this morning. He pushes past Shizuo and towards the door but stops short of it to lean back on his heels and into Shizuo's chest. “What are you doing here so early?” Izaya asks, tipping his head back to look up at Shizuo with that same, awful smile. “Miss me?”

Shizuo pulls a disgusted face and hopes it covers for the involuntary tinge of pink in his cheeks at the close proximity. Close enough for Shizuo to just slip his arms around the other boy’s waist. “As if.” He snorts, and crosses his arms to keep from pulling Izaya into a hug.

Izaya smirks and says, “alright,” in a sing-song voice that says he doesn't believe Shizuo. Instead of teasing him further, Izaya slips some hairpins out of his pocket and steps forward to crouch in front of the lock.

“I knew it…” Shizuo grumbles, mostly to himself at seeing a criminal skill of Izaya’s first-hand.

Izaya scoffs at Shizuo's blatant disapproval. “Lock picking is not knowledge exclusive to ‘bad’ people. It's just a skill like speaking or cooking. Morally neutral on its own.” The door clicks open and Izaya pushes it open, body to the side to allow Shizuo to enter first. “Besides, you're taking advantage of it too. Not like you're going to report me, eh?”

Shizuo huffs and pushes past him, unable to refute any of his points. Izaya is right on all accounts, but the last one is a bit unfair. Izaya had hit the nail on the head while they stood too close in his kitchen during their Friday evening together - Shizuo would let him get away with anything in the end.

As soon as Shizuo has settled in his usual corner Izaya tugs his blanket out from its usual place between the boxes under the lowest shelf and makes himself comfortable across from Shizuo, draping the blanket across the two of them. Shizuo stiffens at the close proximity while Izaya makes himself comfortable. Izaya is really in a weirdly good mood today. _What's gotten into him?_

Before Shizuo can ask or complain about Izaya's chipper attitude the fresh smell of bitter almonds encases Shizuo's senses. It permeates from Izaya and wafts up from the blanket covering Shizuo's legs. Direct contact with the fabric and Izaya's foot pressed into his shin makes it feel as though its toxicity is seeming into Shizuo’s skin, and Shizuo can't remember what he was going to say anymore.

Izaya hums some cutesy sort of tune and pulls a thick, instructive book from his bag on Russian and a cheap pen. Shizuo blinks at the unexpected book but can't think of anything to say about it that wouldn't just sound like him babbling in amazement. He doesn't think Izaya will ever stop astounding him. Instead, Shizuo follows his example without a word and takes out his own book and pen. 

Except Shizuo can't focus on the mystery at all. The rapid, confident scratches of the pen against paper compel Shizuo to watch from under his bangs as Izaya appears to effortlessly absorb a foreign language which doesn't even almost resemble Japanese characters or the English alphabet which Shizuo still hates having to use for class.

After several minutes of watching Izaya tear through page after page Shizuo, eventually, realizes that he and Izaya are facing each other and therefore do not share the same right side. _So Izaya is left-handed… that's pretty cute…_

_Holy shit, I am so fucked._

The light brush of Izaya's foot against his makes his stomach twist and every breath makes his head spin in a way that makes him want more. Makes Shizuo want to press his face into the crook of Izaya's neck or his shiny, black hair or wherever the smell is strongest and just breathe him in like a chain smoker. Shizuo is fully aware of how weird it is, he wishes that he could just _stop_ feeling like this and stop craving Izaya so much that it's a conscious effort to keep from shaking his leg nervously whenever Shizuo so much as thinks about it.

_Having a crush is the worst. I hate this guy for making me feel like this._

But something is missing from this scene, and it doesn't take much thought for Izaya to figure out what it is.

“Hey Izaya, how can you read that?”

The scratching of Izaya's pen doesn't pause even the slightest bit. “Well Shizu-chan, since this is meant to instruct the reader on how to read and write in a foreign language the entire book is, in fact, not in Russian. 

“I know that!” Shizuo snaps, irritated by Izaya’s condescending tone. _What a jackass._ “I mean, how can you see the words? Don't you need glasses?”

This makes Izaya's writing pace hiccup. “... My vision is not that bad.”

Shizuo watches him a bit longer, remembering the rumor he meant to press Izaya about a few days ago. About some bullies’ bags mysteriously catching fire. “Is that why you wear them whenever you read back here?”

Izaya stops working altogether and glares at Shizuo, guarded under his dark lashes. “What are you getting at, Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo shrugs and adjusts his posture, straightening a bit but not taking a defensive position. “Just wondering… used to seeing you in them is all.” _Used to seeing those ridiculously cute reading glasses, but seeing your eyes unobstructed is good too._

“They're just for reading.” Izaya straightens his posture to match Shizuo.

Somewhere during their time of shared silence, Izaya pulled a black case out of his pocket and slipped his glasses on, glancing up at Shizuo so quickly he would've missed it if Shizuo hadn't already been watching him.

Shizuo fumbles around in his bag for a moment and pulls out his notebook, flipping to the section about Izaya. Maybe it's a little risky to take notes right in front of the person, but as long as Izaya can't see them, it'll be the last thing he'll expect.

He writes “ _Insecure about glasses.”_ Right underneath the jumble of thoughts he’s had about Izaya over the last few weeks of knowing him, a good deal of them scratched out or illegible. Shizuo isn’t even sure he cares about figuring out what makes Izaya the villain or how he was so successful at - potentially - stalking him anymore. Right now, Shizuo looks over the list in some odd blend of embarrassment and fondness. If he and Izaya ever… get together. Would he show Izaya this? Honesty is best in a relationship but he wouldn’t want Izaya to think he’s got some creepy obsession. Because he isn’t obsessed. Keeping notes on a person, on someone who was effectively a stranger through a good portion of these…  Well. Izaya’s not exactly a soft, sensitive, innocent young girl. Izaya’s personality is every bit of creepy that this notebook is.

 

_“nothing”_

_“I am nothing.”_

 

_“bitter library smell = Red eyes?”_

_“being watched - stalker or ~~going crazy~~ ” _

 

_“vanishing asshole”_

 

_“a memory”_

 

_“Creep. Future serial killer??”_

_“Smell = bitter almonds = poison = bad guy***_

_= closet??”_

 

_“closet is secret lair. Blanket smell is the worst”_

 

_“he is a scrawny nerd.”_

 

_“13 hearts - full of hearts - a pack of playing cards”_

 

_“The human brain - the brain - being human…”_

 

**_Orihara Izaya_ **

 


	20. Don't Get Caught

Izaya’s phone and flash drive have been burning holes in his pockets for hours now, and as nice as spending time with Shizuo today was he really just wanted him to go do  _ anything _ else so he could read up on his entire school and delinquent history in peace.

Now that school’s finally over he can rush out, pick up his sisters, then lock himself in his room to read and take notes on everything.

Except, when he gets to his sisters, they aren’t their usual chipper selves.

From down the street, he can see the twins clinging to each other next to their teacher in the little concrete and asphalt courtyard where many of the children wait for their parents.  He can see the way the moms around them steer their children from the scene with pitying wave to the teacher. He can hear them crying louder as he approaches and the terrible sound has him moving faster despite the disdain he feels for dealing with the situation. Soon, but not soon enough, he’s stepping up onto the curb and stopping in front of them, adjusting his coat in an effort to cover the awkwardness he feels. The awkwardness he always feels when approaching his sisters in public, wondering how exactly he should be greeting them to balance caring for the girl’s emotional needs and keeping up the appearance of being their brother - not, effectively, their parent.  

“What happened?” Izaya asks, looking between his sisters and their teacher.

The twins, Mairu mostly, scream and cry for their teacher not to tell.The teacher starts to speak but whatever she had to say is drowned out by the increasingly panicked screaming and crying of his sisters. He grits his teeth and wishes they wouldn’t do that. It’s piercing and not at all what he remembers being like as a child. 

When Mairu and Kururi’s teacher predictably fails to console them Izaya steps in closer and crouches down to their level while the girls hug each other tighter. Years of practice allows him to appear relaxed and in control of the situation despite his entire body feeling tight.  _ But nothing good ever comes of letting someone see you sweat.  _

Izaya reaches back into the side pocket of his bag and fishes out a pack of tissues, trying not to feel like an experienced mother with a full purse of supplies for her kids. Because Mairu and Kururi are not his children. They are his sisters and the three of them have parents. Izaya rips open the pack of tissues and reaches out with one to wipe the tears and snot off their faces.

“Mairu, Kururi.” He says, calm and steady as he reaches out to wipe the tears and snot off of their faces. “Why are you crying?”

The girls sniffle and glance at each other, completely quiet for a moment to communicate in a way Izaya will never understand. They come apart slowly, just enough so they can both face him, but still close enough to hold hands tightly.

Izaya swallows a stale lump of envy and stuffs the soiled tissue into his empty jacket pocket before pulling a clean tissue out of the pack to finish the job.

Kururi speaks up first for once. “Nii-chan… angry…” she mumbles, looking down at ground between them. Izaya frowns at her words but knows better than to respond before letting Mauri have her say.

“Yeah…” Mauri sniffles, as expected, and clutches her skirt with her free hand. “If sensei tells then… Then, you’ll get angry at us!”

_ Ah, so that’s it. They got in trouble again. _ Izaya sighs internally, relieved that’s all it is. He shoves the newly soiled tissue into his pocket with the other one and reaches out to grab each of their free hands, gently prying Mairu’s from her skirt.

“I won’t get angry.” He promises and the girls relax, knowing their brother well enough to be sure that he doesn’t tell them pretty lies. After a few more sniffles and hiccups the two calm down enough for Izaya to stand and address the teacher, allowing his sisters to cling to his hands.

The teacher is visibly relieved and Izaya can guess why. These girls have more than enough energy to make a fuss for hours.

“Mairu and Kururi got into a fight with some boys on the playground. Mauri pushed one boy off the jungle gym and Kururi bit one so hard he’ll need stitches.” She explains quickly, glancing at his sisters nervously - waiting for the one wrong word that could set them off again.

Izaya can feel his eyebrow twitch the tiniest bit.  _ That’s all… what a hassle. _

He nods at the teacher, painting on a sympathetic smile and knitting his brows up into remorse, then looks back down at his sisters.

“Is this true?” He asks.

Kururi nods and Mairu takes a deep breath to launch into their side of the story.

“Yeah, but those boys deserved it!” She shouts, getting up on her tiptoes as if Izaya would have any trouble hearing her if she didn’t. “They were picking on us! They called us freaky and called Kururi retarded just ‘cause she doesn’t like to talk around their stupid faces!”

Kururi nods again and tightens her hold on Izaya. “Said Mairu was ugly…”

Izaya’s head snaps back up to look at the teacher but holds his expression steady.  He asks her, in the same tone he used with has baby sisters, “Is this true?”

“Yes.” She responds, already on the defensive from what Izaya is sure is years of experience with dealing with overprotective mothers. Fortunately for her, Izaya is not an overprotective mother. “The boys are going to be dealt with accordingly and their parents have been told the whole story as well. However, Mairu and Kururi took standing up for themselves too far, again, and still don’t understand that there’s a better way to deal with these issues.”

Izaya smiles wider, almost going crooked from being unrestrained so much in front of Shizuo before he gets it under control.

“I understand. I’ll talk to them about it.” He placates and tightens his hold on his sister and starts to turn, more than ready to leave already.

But she just can’t let them go yet, can she? “Wait a moment, Orihara-san. This is a recurring issue and my concern is that you ‘talking’ to them yet again is not going to fix the problem. I would like to have a meeting with your parents.”

The Orihara siblings tense. Mairu and Kururi are afraid that if their parents hear about them getting trouble that they’ll visit even less. Izaya is afraid of seeing their parents at all after only three phone calls this past month.

“I’m afraid our parents are away on a business trip at the moment.” Izaya dismisses with his most charming smile, sugarcoating the situation. “If you’d still like a meeting I can see you after school.” 

She frowns at this, but nods. “Alright, I’ll call you to schedule something later but… Orihara-san, is everything alright at home?”

_ Not this again. _

“Of course, our parents make sure we have everything we need.

The best liars always tell the truth.

Finally, Izaya, Mairu, and Kururi are on their way home. To prove he isn’t angry with them he carries Mairu on his back the first half of the way and Kururi on his back the second half.

_ So much for my Shizu-chan tonight… _

 

Back at home with his sisters, their favorite take-out on the way, he sits them down in the kitchen for their talk.

The first three times this happened he lied about talking to them. He really didn’t care that they beat up some brats. This time, he thinks they could use a quick lesson from their big brother.

“Mairu, Kururi… Have the teachers ever called Mom and Dad because I got in trouble? Or have I ever been late to pick you up because I got detention?”

The girls shake their heads and Mairu opens her mouth to retort, but Izaya beats her to it.

“This isn’t because I’ve never broken any rules. I’ll tell you two a secret, I break rules all the time.”

The girls eyes widen and Mairu doesn’t seem interested in interrupting him anymore.

“I break rules all the time and sometimes I have to get back at bullies just like you guys do - because you’re right. They deserve it. But you need to figure out how to break rules and get back at them without getting caught.”

“How?” They demand in unison.

“You two are smart,” Izaya says with a smile. “Together I know you can figure something out. Lots of people break the rules, part of growing up is learning to get away with it. So next time, get away with it and we won’t have to go through this again.”

 

_ If these two are going to be fighting, maybe I should get them martial arts classes. The budget will be tight but… It’s about time I started making money on my own anyway. _

 


	21. Black Jacket

 

With Mairu and Kururi finally asleep after staying awake for the whole story Izaya can finally lock himself away in the nest that is his bed and spend time with his Shizu-chan, having a one-sided conversation with the information. 

All day had been torture with it so available but being unable to do much as peek at it for hours. Finally, with shaking hands, he pulls out his notebook and a pen, his phone, and laptop for the flash drive. Izaya decides to follow the path of Shizuo's life and start with the elementary school files on his phone. With his jittering pen poised at the ready in his left hand he unlocks his phone with the right and opens up the picture files. 

  
  


…..

  
  


“Sh-sh-Shizu-chan! What are you doing?!” Izaya gasps as Shizuo traps him between the hard line of his shoulders and the wall of the closet. 

“Just shut up!” Shizuo snaps in a stage-whisper. “We’re in the library, you gotta be quiet.”

 

…

 

Yesterday Shizuo went into the counselor’s office to check in. He hadn't had any reported outbursts since starting his library community service, so his visit should've been quick. 

Except for today, Shizuo smelled something that didn't belong. 

On his way out of the office with his usual counselor, who was very happy with Shizuo's progress and despite being curious about the change, didn't press too much when Shizuo looked away and said he wasn't ready to talk about that  _ yet _ . He was worried telling too many people might jinx it or something. 

But just as Shizuo was about to leave for class he caught a whiff of something faint and stale, but so familiar it would've been impossible to miss. That wonderful smell of cyanide wafted into his nose and made his heart race as Nakura, the boy who worked the front desk, walked past with a box of lost and found items. 

Shizuo had never paid any attention to Nakura before and probably never would have had Nakura not been carrying that box to the back room to store the junk inside until the semester ended at that exact moment. But as soon as Shizuo caught the scent, he threw out his arm to stop Nakura without a thought to stop Nakura with a bruising grip on his shoulder.

“He-He-Heiwajima! Please d-don't! Ow, please don't hurt me! I didn't mean to- I tried not to-!”

Shizuo - who was just going to ask for the box to check and see if Izaya really had lost something like he thought he smelled, just hoped that maybe he could return something his weird, not really but kinda friend had lost and maybe make that sort-of friend smile - blinked at this. He hadn't meant to intimidate or interrogate Nakura, but that's what ended up happening. 

Shizuo asked what Nakura was crying about and the boy started babbling so much nonsense Shizuo could hardly make sense of any of it. But Shizuo did pick up a few keywords. 

“He was gonna-! Heiwajima-san, he tied me up and was gonna burn me if I didn't tell him where your records were!”

“Who?” Shizuo demanded. His rage boiled but he managed to keep it down and didn't have an incident in the counselor’s office. 

Nakura stuttered out that he didn't know who, swore up and down that he was telling the truth, and said that all he had was a black jacket that his attacker had left which he put in the lost and found in hopes of the boy eventually coming back for it. The villain, of course, did not. 

Shizuo demanded that Nakura give him the jacket and tell him everything - in exchange Shizuo wouldn't put him in the hospital. Nakura was happy to comply.

Shizuo took the stale jacket which could only belong to his villain, stuffed it in his bag before he inhaled it in front of Nakura, and listened to what Nakura said had happened. 

The story was so crazy, almost straight from Shizuo's childhood fantasies about the kind of bad guy he would catch, that he almost couldn't believe it. Except for the part where Nakura, in his panic, confessed that Izaya had kissed him on the cheek twice. That sort of psychological sadism was not what Shizuo had imagined as a child. 

It was so much worse. Shizuo had to remember his promise not to hurt Nakura and run out of the office before he killed the victim of the crime.

Shizuo couldn't remember the last time he was so pissed without having been physically attacked. He ran through the halls, straight to the library, thinking of all the ways he'd kill Izaya for tormenting a student, for breaking several laws and invading Shizuo’s privacy on a whole new level, for  _ kissing that slimy, pathetic little bastard on the cheek! _

But when Shizuo got to the library, ran straight to the back, twisted the knob - breaking all the the pins and the lock easier that sliding a hot knife through butter - and forced his way inside to see Izaya curled up in a tiny, fluffy pink ball in the corner with a huge book and looking up at Shizuo with wide eyes behind crooked glasses, Shizuo forgot about killing him.

  
  


… 

  
  


Shizuo is still beyond pissed about the whole situation, so fucking pissed off that he can't find the words to even being yelling at Izaya. Shizuo needs to calm down, needs a cigarette. Or something stronger. 

He needs his cyanide.

So he ignores Izaya's sputtering, kicks the door shut behind them, and holds Izaya still. Shizuo’s arms are wrapped around Izaya's upper body, angled up to dig his fingers into his shoulders - probably leaving bruises and trapping Izaya in his hold and that pink blanket. 

“Shut up, just shut up for one fucking minute Izaya.” Shizuo hisses between deep breathes. “If you don't shut up I'll squeeze you ‘till you pop. I need to think.” Shizuo squeezes just a bit tighter, just for emphasis, but it's enough to make Izaya gasp. It's enough to feel Izaya shudder against him, just a little, and it's enough to send Shizuo's train of thought spinning for a moment. 

Shizuo presses his nose into Izaya’s hair, which is even softer than it looks, and takes deep, steady breaths like he's having a cigarette on the rooftop alone in the morning. He can feel his heart rate pick up, all his muscles relax, and all the stress fade into the background like it always does when his addiction is satisfied. The smell is so strong Shizuo all Shizuo would have to do is open his mouth to have it melting across his tongue.

Izaya is strangely quiet in his arms and is so still that Shizuo might think he killed him if not for the warm, strong thumping of his heart pressed against Shizuo's. With their chests pressed together Shizuo is sure Izaya can feel their hearts ramming together. How could Izaya not feel the way Shizuo's heart is desperately straining against his rib cage, like it wants to break free and leap into Izaya? The thought makes Shizuo shudder. It's terrifying, but sounds so freeing. To just let go and be honest about how he feels. 

But now isn't the time for that. 

Shizuo shifts his hand, sliding it through the space he creates between Izaya's back and the wall he's pressed against, just feeling the tension before he notices something peculiar. An oddly textured, cool, tiny spot of the wall. It takes Shizuo a moment before he realizes what it is. 

_ Ah… it's a peephole. Man I feel dumb. Been in here for weeks and this is my first time noticing it. That's it. It's so simple. It's all been so simple.  _

But at the same time, it's not simple at all. It's ridiculous and convoluted and  _ really weird  _ and now that Shizuo knows he isn't surprised at all.

He takes a few more steadying breaths and closes his eyes, only aware of the person he really should be beating up right now but instead has him wrapped up in an inescapable hug. He can feel every tiny, involuntary twitch of Izaya's body and wonders if Izaya is always this secretly expressive or if he's just uncomfortable right now. 

_ He's probably not afraid, I can't even picture Izaya afraid, but uncomfortable for sure. I know this isn't the way I should be dealing with my crush but Izaya deserves way more than “uncomfortable” for what he's done. He's about to get off easy.  _

_ I really am going to let this bad guy get away with anything, aren't I? I'm the worst cop ever.  _

“Izaya…” Shizuo rumbles low and dangerously calm in his ear, but Izaya jumps like he's just been screamed at. “Tell me everything you've found about me in the school archives.”

Izaya starts struggling wildly, but still can't make Shizuo budge. Shizuo probably wouldn't even notice the straining of Izaya's strength against his own if he wasn't enamored by Izaya's every inhale. 

“I can prove you were in the office, you left your jacket. It's been over a week but it still reeks of you.”

Izaya freezes, but Shizuo can still feel the buzz of adrenaline in his body. It's a strange thing, to feel what makes him a monster pumping so furiously in someone else. 

“And I can feel the peephole behind you that you probably used to spy on me reading those mystery books. I don't know how you knew it was a childhood dream of mine to be a detective, but I'm guessing you just decided to profile me and take a gamble.”

Finally, Shizuo pulls back far enough to look at Izaya while maintaining a tight hold on his shoulders. Shizuo wants to read Izaya's eyes and look at his face, but it's hidden by the shadow of his bangs. All Shizuo can see is the strange knot Izaya has formed with his mouth, twisted up in so many thoughts it just looks like a grimace. 

“I win. Can I claim my prize now?”

When Shizuo first struck that deal he was experiencing too many confusing things to really know what he wanted from Izaya. Now, he can think of a million things he wants from Izaya. In the dim light of the closet with Izaya so close, one thing in particular comes to mind. 

But Shizuo doesn't want his first kiss to be because of a stupid bet.

“Yes, Shizu-chan.” Izaya chokes out, and it sounds painful. “You win. I'll leave you alone now.”

 


	22. Come Out With Me

 

When Shizuo traps him in a corner and wraps him up in his impossibly strong arms, digging his fingers into his shoulders hard enough to leave bruises that will ache for days, Izaya thinks that it this might be what dying feels like.

When Shizuo tells him to shut up, threatens to crush him, and then _squeezes_ so hard that Izaya can't breathe for a moment it's more than dying. It's too much. There's too much of everything.

Izaya thinks that he has been hugged by someone bigger than himself before. He thinks that he must have. His parents must've held him at some point. It's just that Izaya can't remember it. He has no memory of being enveloped in warm, strong arms. It's too much for Izaya to handle but he wants more. Some repressed, unreasonable _need_ for contact wells up in from his chest and it hurts and it makes him feel sick but then the feeling catches in his throat. This awful, sick feeling constricts his breathing and he has to blink rapidly to clear the tears that jump into his eyes. He doesn't know why this is happening, but he can't choke the question out.

And then Shizuo presses his face into Izaya’s hair and breathes deeply like he did when Izaya was hiding from him in the back of the closet behind boxes of junk and Izaya can't think of anything anymore. He last, fleeting thought is in thanks for his cross-legged position that keeps Shizuo from pressing into the _entire_ front half of his body.

 _More._ Izaya feels, not thinks. _More, more, I need more…_

Izaya has never been good at knowing where the line of _too_ _much_ is.

And then Shizuo's hand slides over the tension Izaya didn't know he was holding in his upper back. It's so warm and it feels _so good_ and Izaya can't get enough of it. He aches all over in the best way. Feels like he's having a pure, religious experience and like he's about to cum in his pants again like the sinner he knows he is.

“Izaya,” and Izaya is so _weak_ for that gruff, bass voice. “Tell me everything you've found about me in the school archives." 

And then Izaya realizes he hasn't experienced what dying feels like at all, but he's about to. 

Struggling, of course, is useless. That same strength he can't get enough of still applies but in his panic, Izaya doesn't think of the futility of the situation. If Shizuo wants to keep Izaya still, he's got no power to stop it. Izaya just wishes his lower half would realize that he is about to be murdered.

“I can prove you were in the office, you left your jacket. It's been over a week but it still reeks of you.”

As the reality of the situation crashes down on Izaya he first wants to punch himself for being so stupid, but then decides that _how was I supposed to know Shizuo's got the nose of a bloodhound?_ _That's just not fair!_

Shizuo tells Izaya everything he already knows and is freakishly right for his entire victory being dumb luck.

And then, Shizuo says the worst thing of all. He asks to claim his prize.

Shizuo wants to end their game. Never wanted to play it to begin with and _how could I be so stupid as to think that maybe…_

The tears that threaten to fall now are gross and ugly. A horrible combination of a long forgotten, bratty child that never grew up and wants to throw a tantrum for more attention, and self-loathing for ever being foolish enough to think that maybe Shizuo would want to keep hanging out in this dusty old closet like a _freak._ Izaya swallows those tears, their bitter taste nostalgic, but still cannot look at Shizuo as he agrees to stay away from what Izaya dared to hope might be a friendship - twisted but real.

 

And then, Shizuo laughs. It doesn't sound like gloating, but it must be.

And then, Shizuo is quiet as he runs his _warm_ and _big_ hands from Izaya’s shoulders and down his arms and Izaya is never going to feel them again.

But then, Shizuo engulfs Izaya's hands with his own. Their trembling and a bit clammy and Izaya doesn't know why.

But then, Shizuo says, almost too quiet, “I want you to come out with me.”

 

_what_

 

“Just, just to the park or something, I mean… we just spend all our time together in this closet and… Yeah.”

 

“.... yeah, okay.”

 

One of these days, Shizuo is going to kill him.

  
  
  
  


_Shizuo’s criminal history goes back further than most with his first in which the police were involved began in elementary school in which he assaulted some boys by sending a desk flying across the room._

“They were picking on me.” Shizuo explains. “I actually can’t remember what for, it was a long time ago, but in the moment it just felt like they deserved it, y’know?”

Izaya knows.

_More incidents of a similar caliber kept happening, and gradually the scale of destruction escalated. Fights with more boys, older boys, boys who were looking to fight Shizuo on purpose became the norm. Shizuo’s hospital trips and vandalism bills also became the norm._

“I wasn’t born indestructible or anything.” Shizuo tells Izaya, “I was in the hospital a lot as a kid because my body used to taking such extreme strain - but eventually it got used to it. Now I can get hit by a truck and it’s not so bad.”

“I did have one friend who visited me in the hospital all the time. He wouldn’t shut up about wanting to dissect my body and see what made it tick. Pretty freaky for an elementary schooler, but I guess it makes sense that he’s the only one who’s want to be around me.”

Izaya thinks that kid had the right idea. He wants to know Shizuo inside and out too.

_One incident, in particular, stood out because it wasn’t at school and Shizuo wasn’t under attack. He trashed a store and ended up putting several adults in the hospital, including a woman._

“I don’t really like to talk about that…” Shizuo mumbles and looks away, leg twitching. “I mean, I don’t like to talk about any of them but that time… I really liked the lady who owned the shop okay?” Shizuo curls in on himself as he recounts the story from his perspective, mumbling so bad it’s hard to understand him. “It was one of those kid crushes and some guys came in and were harassing her and… and I just wanted to save her. But I lost control and ending up ruining everything. That’s all I’m good at.”

_Anger management counseling became a staple in Shizuo’s school life. It cut into his class time so much it’s no wonder his grades started to drop, but the school was too afraid of having Shizuo in class to change anything._

“Doesn’t help for shit, but I still do the breathing and the counting every time I’m mad in case it does work some day. Only good part about counseling was finding a creative outlet - but that’s a secret - got it?”

Izaya did not know Shizuo likes art.

_Middle school was the worst for Shizuo’s record. He had to change schools three times, started getting busted for smoking-_

“The only thing that helps.”

_\- lost touch with his odd friend Shinra and might’ve ended up in prison if it wasn’t for-_

“Tom.” Izaya can feel a twang of jealousy just from the name. “I met him in my last year of middle school and he’s still one of my best friends. He’s the one who suggested I dye my hair cause it might ward people off if I look more like a bad guy. It doesn’t help as much as spending my free time in here instead of outside does but it’s not bad either. Then we started hanging around Kadota and now, here we are.”

Sharing a pink, fuzzy sweater blanket in the storage closet in the back of the library while Izaya shares his findings in the school archives after repeatedly and sadistically tormenting a boy to better stalk Shizuo.

  
_But it’s only a matter of time before we both have to step out of this closet._

 


	23. Androgyny

_ “Hey, Izaya, do you think that I… That some people are born bad?” _

 

_ “Hahaha! Shizu-chan, that's ridiculous. You're implying that anyone is just ‘good’ or ‘bad.’” _

 

_ “But to answer your question, if there is such as thing as innate nature it's not strong enough to overcome nurture. No human is that special. Humans are nothing more than a culmination of their past experiences. A result of training through a complex, contradictory system of rewards and punishments both direct and subliminal. Some may be more difficult to figure out than other but ultimately everyone can be predicted. No one is an island, no one is their own. No one is special. Anyone who is special, anyone who is their own is not a human. If you are not human, you are a monster.” _

 

That was the first time anyone had ever asked Izaya that. The only questions he gets are childish curiosities from his sisters or mindless niceties from adults. It was good to have someone ask about his thoughts for a change. 

 

Now, it's Friday afternoon and the bliss from that question is lost to nerves. Tonight he's going to put knowledge and theory into practice. He's called a babysitter for Mairu and Kururi, steels himself mentally for what he's about to do, and pours out the contents of his shopping bags onto his bedroom floor.

 

He repeats the plan to himself over and over, plus what he's going to do if things go wrong as he rolls black, polka-dot stockings up freshly-shaven - not to mention itchy - legs. Over his boxer-briefs and under a pair of shorts.

 

He feels a sense of calm start to fall over him, the calm before the storm, as he rubs lavender scented lotion over his arms. 

 

He refuses to look at himself in the mirror while he clips on a modestly stuffed bra that shouldn't be too out of proportion from his body.

 

He's numb as he mentally goes over the list he made for the sitter in the kitchen while he zips up a flouncy, royal blue skirt that should make up for his lack of hips. 

 

When he's got a soft, black, turtleneck sweater that's too long in the sleeves and hides his Adam's apple on he can't avoid the mirror anymore and has to check for any awkward lumps in his faux breasts that might be showing. There aren't any but it doesn't make Izaya feel any better. He wonders, not for the first time, if Shizuo would like him better if he had breasts.

 

He completes the look with black, knee-high boots, some fake earring studs, and a black, shoulder length wig.

 

When he's sitting on the bathroom sink, carefully dragging mascara over his eyelashes and smearing on bubblegum pink lip gloss, Izaya decides that he can do this. He's going to do this.

 

He's observed the way different types of women walk and has to try four different ways before he decides on one he likes.

 

He's heard the way different types of women talk and has to try at least twenty times before he feels confident. Thankfully, his voice isn't all that deep. Not like Shizuo’s. 

 

When he opens the door and invites the babysitter inside to go over the list of things to know with them while waiting for long, fake royal blue nails to dry. She doesn't even bat an eye at his appearance. Izaya knows that he can do this.

 

He pulls on his black, fur-lined jacket and smiles his way out the door. He's got some cash stuffed in his bra, a knife in one boot, pepper spray in the other, a box of matches, a new name in mind, and everything there is to know about the Blue Squares in his head. 

 

And a will for vengeance violence unlike any other. 

 

_ Tonight will be fine. After all, I can't miss out on my friendly, completely normal date this Sunday. _

 

_ Maybe some people are born different. No, maybe it's just me and Shizu-chan.  _

 

_ Maybe I'm not human either. _

 

Finding the Blue Squares is easy, and making them think they've managed to charm Kanra is even easier. 

 

Kanra “accidentally” stumbles into their territory while on the phone breaking up with her boyfriend loudly. She sits on the same curb as three Blue Squares, but not too close, and hangs up with a huff. Predictably, they approach her, seeing only a pretty girl who is no longer the property of a man, so they are all hoping to swoop her up as their own. All three them see her as emotionally compromised and on the verge of making a bad choice and she's more than happy to play that way.

 

Izaya’s been staking out one boy in particular for his plan tonight who wears his gang color in the form of a bandana around his wrist. He knows every one of this boy's insecurities, which are plain to see for anyone with a pair of working eyes and a brain.

 

Kanra talks to the three of them, laughing at their crude humor but casting flirtatious glances at her target - making sure to compliment his insecurities during the right points of conversation. She gushes about how much more charming he is than her stupid ex-boyfriend, but frets about who is going to protect her should her ex try to come get her. 

 

The Blue Squares, particularly the one who thinks he has a chance with Kanra, all trip over themselves to brag about the gang they're in.

 

Kanra gasps and had  _ no idea  _ they were in such an  _ infamous _ group, but it explains why they're all so  _ confident _ looking. 

 

But wait a minute, Kanra heard from one of her friends that the Blue Squares picked a fight with  _ Heiwajima Shizuo  _ recently, didn't they? Why pick a fight with  _ the  _ Heiwajima?

 

The three boys, while leading Kanra back to their hideout for “protection,” are more than happy to talk about how their gang managed to bash Izaya's Shizu-chan over the head and get a few shots in before they got beat up. They're stupidly optimistic about one day being able to beat Shizuo as a group and prove their gang is the toughest, but they're most likely posturing for a pretty face. 

 

Apparently it's a competition among the color gangs to see who can take down the Monster of Ikebukuro. That would explain a lot.

 

Kanra is impressed and by this and  _ shocked  _ to hear that the boy with the bandana on his wrist is single after casually asking if his girlfriend visited him in the hospital. Izaya, of course, knows he is single and desperate. His two friends shoot him dirty looks.

 

Almost too easy for Izaya Orihara.

 

At the Blue Square hideout, which is a dark warehouse through a maze of alleys that is child's play to memorize, there's all the gambling and smoking a troubled teen could hope for and a toxic sense of comradery. Kanra looks around nervously at all the  _ scary men _ , enticing the boy with the wrist bandanna’s desire to feel more masculine and powerful. With a smirk, he wraps his arm around Kanra’s shoulders and says “don't worry, I'll protect you.”

 

The touch makes Izaya want to vomit, but Kanra smiles and leans in closer.

 

The boy's lead Kanra on a tour of the base, eager to show off their accomplishments to a beautiful girl and always hungry for more praise to fill their starving egos. 

 

Izaya takes in every detail of the structure, memorizes every window, pipeline, and wire. Every piece of information has value. In particular, Izaya is interested in the door “the boss” sits behind. Apparently, he doesn't like to be disturbed when he's got a girl in there with him and Izaya knows what that really means. But he bides his time. Izaya is patient.

 

Kanra doesn't ask about “the boss” and instead watches the boy with the wrist bandanna, Akihito, gambles and smokes and somehow fail miserably at both. It's clear that poor Akihito is an insecure follower at best, far too emotional to be a real gangster, and that's just what Izaya is looking for. 

 

Kanra sits on the arm of Akihito’s chair and pretends not to know how to play poker so Akihito can have the pleasure of explaining it to her and later into the evening, when many of the other boys have left to pillage or turn in for the evening, Kanra spins a tighter, warmer web around Akihito and listens to him about his family life. Kanra maintains eye contact, rubs his buzzed head with her hands soothingly, and shares fake stories about her own family. 

 

But Izaya knows better than to put it all out on the first date. 

 

Instead, Kanra leaves Akihito dangling just sort of a kiss when her dad calls and yells at her to get home. She smiles, thanks him for being there for her after such a rough break-up, and promises him that they'll meet again. She runs out before he can offer to walk her home.

 

It's perfectly okay that he's planning to draw Akihito in deeper because Izaya's not seducing Akihito. Kanra is seducing Akihito. Izaya is going to spend time with his Shizu-chan on Sunday. 

 

Izaya just hopes that Shizuo wouldn't prefer Kanra.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Shizuo can't wait to tell Kasuka the good news when he gets home. 

 

Well, not the news about the extent of Izaya's deviancy, that's not really good news.

 

Shizuo can't wait to tell Kasuka that Izaya agreed to go on a date with him. 

 

While the two of them work on dinner, chopping vegetables and frying rice, Shizuo talks about the possibilities. He stumbles over his words, can't stop blushing, and almost chops their counter in half but Kasuka is just happy to see him excited. 

 

“I suggested the park because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it or anything, y’know?” Shizuo says over the rushing water of the sink while he washes a few dishes. “And there's a lot we can do at the park. Do you think he likes ice cream?… aw shit, it’s winter. They don't sell ice cream in winter. What about hot chocolate?”

 

“Shizuo…” Kasuka turns off the stove and places the lid on the pan of rice to keep it hot. “Do you know for sure that Orihara-san knows it's a date?”

 

Shizuo freezes halfway through drying the cutting board. 

 

“I think a walk in the park was a great idea, however maybe it wasn't obvious enough. I do not want to ruin your mood, but have you considered the possibility that Izaya will not assume it is a date because you are both male?”

 

“...shit.” Shizuo hisses, and places down the half-dried cutting board to keep it from cracking. “I don't know… it's just… I didn't clarify because whenever I see someone, like Tom, ask a chick out he never says directly that it's meant to be a date.”

 

“I know.”

 

Shizuo’s shoulders curl in and the anxiety that hits him from the reality of the situation hits him like a wooden bat to the back of the head. “Everyone just assumes it's a date because it's always a boy and a girl but… shit.” No matter how Shizuo feels about Izaya, no matter how normal Kasuka makes him feel about it, in the public eye it's not normal.

 

Kasuka places a hand on Shizuo’s shoulder and gently takes the old, green rag from him to finish drying the cutting board.

 

“Don't worry, you can be sure to clear things up on the date. I'm certain that he likes you, so it should be fine.”

 

“Really?”

 

“He wouldn't go so far out of his way to get to know you if he didn't like you.”

 

Shizuo supposes that Kasuka is right and puts his insecurities away to get out three plates for dinner.

 

Kasuka watches Shizuo make the three plates of food and clearly wants to say something. Shizuo is pretty sure he knows what Kasuka is about to ask, but can't bring himself to say anything. He just stays quiet as he scoops dinner onto the final plate. 

 

“Shizuo… are you going to tell Mom?”

 

“It's okay if you don't want to,” Kasuka says. 

 

_ But she'd be happy for you _ . Hangs in the air between them, the words unnecessary. 

 

That evening over dinner, Shizuo smiles as he tells his Mom about his plans for going on his first date this weekend with a person he likes very much. She can hardly contain herself, demands that she meet them as soon as possible, and starts pestering Shizuo to have them over for dinner as soon as possible. 

 

In the warmth and joy of this moment, Shizuo thinks that it's a wonderful idea.

 


	24. Duality

  
Shizuo's in such a good mood that when his father comes stumbling home after all the chores are done for the evening and kisses his Mom on the cheek he doesn't even pick a fight with him. With Kasuka's steady presence and his Mom’s smile as she tells her husband about Shizuo's date this weekend Shizuo doesn't even snap when he slurs:

“Glad to hear you've finally found a girl with enough spunk to tangle with you! Guess we’re finally gonna have the talk, eh?”

Shizuo is seventeen years old and his father hasn't even made an attempt at any sort of talk with him. He just had to fumble his way through the education system, to awkward to ask his Mom and even more embarrassed when she would decide to have random teaching moments at dinner. Shizuo just hopes he knows enough in case Kasuka asks something, but thankfully Kasuka doesn't ask.

Shizuo doesn't trust himself enough to open his mouth, so he just fakes a smile that looks more like he's baring his teeth and grabs his bag to hurry upstairs. He doesn't even bother to correct his father on the fact that Izaya is a _he,_  not she. It doesn't matter anyway.

In the safety of his room, Shizuo breathes deep, counts back from one hundred, and tries to think about his date instead. Because it is definitely a date. Shizuo unzips his bag to unpack it and is immediately hit with a bittersweet realization. He forgot to return Izaya's jacket.

Shizuo hesitates, looks into his bag at the black heap of cheap fabric, then pulls it out.

The scent of Izaya is faded, but it's now blended with Shizuo's own scent and it's just what he needs right now. Shizuo doesn't think of the implications, doesn't think enough to talk himself out of it. He stops thinking about his father, lets his mind go quiet, lays down on his lumpy futon that's too short, and goes to bed early with his nose pressed into the fabric.

It's the fastest Shizuo's ever fallen asleep in his life.

 

_“Shizu-chan…”_

_“Shi~zu~chan~”_

_“Hey, Shizu-chan, wake up.”_

_It's too warm to wake up, the air is too heavy to move, but someone won't stop poking his face. So, Shizuo opens his eyes._

_All he can see is black, like the ceiling of his bedroom just vanished into nothingness. It isn't his room, but Shizuo is also sure that it is._

_The poking at his face stops and Shizuo is just so warm all over. He doesn't want to get up, so Shizuo closes his eyes again._

_“Hey, don't fall asleep again!” Someone whines childishly._

_Shizuo, with great effort, looks to his right and sees Izaya lying next to him._

_Izaya is lying on his side, snuggling into Shizuo's arm. His glasses are digging into Shizuo's shoulder and are horribly lopsided and smudged from him pressing his face into Shizuo's body - but it's cute as ever._

_“Come on, Shizu-chan, you can't just ignore me like that!” Izaya whines, but he doesn't seem to really be upset. “If the story I was reading is really that boring for your tiny brain we can just pick a different one!”_

_Shizuo, surprisingly, doesn't feel annoyed by Izaya's tone, the nickname, or the jab at his intelligence. Shizuo's more at ease than he's ever been._

_“It's not that.” Shizuo feels himself saying, his own voice sounding like it's under water. “It's just really warm._ ‘m _just relaxed…”_

_Izaya giggles and pulls his body up Shizuo's to dig his chin into the top of Shizuo's shoulder, looking up at Shizuo from under his dark lashes. Izaya's eyes are as bewitching as always, sparkling with interest and endlessly clever. His breath is warm as it ghosts over Shizuo's neck, and he looks more kissable than ever._

_So, with a warm smile, Shizuo ducks his head to press a kiss to Izaya's undoubtedly soft lips._

_But he's frozen just shy of that kiss._

_“Oh Shizu-chan, don't tell me that you've gotten to be such a boring, old man already? Settling down and falling asleep too fast~” Izaya's voice purrs, taunting him. But Izaya's lips aren't moving. Izaya's still looking up at him, sweet and warm and inviting._

_“Don't tell me you've forgotten about me already~ How rude!” Izaya's voice cuts through Shizuo's tranquility again, sharp and cruel._

_A force grabs hold of Shizuo's face and even with all of Shizuo's strength he can't break free. No matter how desperately Shizuo tries to resist, no matter how much he wants to kiss the playful but sweet boy in front of him, Shizuo cannot resist. The force pulls his face slowly, grinding and straining against Shizuo muscles the whole time, and forces him to look to the left._

_Pressed against Shizuo's left side is Izaya again, but it is not the same Izaya. The abstract force manifests itself in the form of cold, bone-white fingers digging into his jaw. This Izaya isn't wearing his glasses and Shizuo can't tell if he feels scalding hot or ice cold._

_“That's right.” This Izaya purrs, sliding his body up Shizuo's body much like his twin had done, but this time it brings shivers up Shizuo's spine. “You_ can't _forget about me. I'm here too.”_

_This Izaya's eyes seem to glimmer in the darkness, bewitching as much as the other Izaya's was, but they're red hot with fire and blood, sharpened by a grin that is much too wide and has far too many teeth._

_“What's the matter, Shiz-chan?” This Izaya teases, leaning in a bit closer. His voice is low and his breath wafts over Shizuo like cigarette smoke. It makes Shizuo's stomach turn - sick but still needy._

_“Don't you want to kiss me?”_

_This Izaya's fingers aren't controlling his face anymore, but Shizuo is still drawn in and it feels beyond his control. This Izaya smiles wider, and seems impatient, but doesn't try to rush Shizuo. This Izaya waits like a predator._

_But before Shizuo can kiss this Izaya, the Izaya on his right side drapes his body over Shizuo's and gets in the other Izaya's face._

_“Hey! No fair, Shizu-chan wanted to kiss me!” He pouts._

_“Really?” The Izaya on the left challenges,_ _sitting_ _up and meeting the Izaya on the right, his hand pressed into Shizuo's chest as if he's part of the mattresses. “Because it looked like he was about to kiss me.”_

_Shizuo can't move. The air is too heavy._

_“I wish you'd just leave us alone…” The Izaya on the right hisses, but doesn't sound tough as much as he sounds like he's going to cry._

_“Oh, don't be like that.” The Izaya on the left says and reaches out to run his fingers through the Izaya on the right’s hair. “It's both of us or neither of us…” He coos and gently pulls the Izaya on the right into a deep kiss._

_The two of them seem to have forgotten Shizuo is there, leaving Shizuo to drift into the darkness as a spectator while they intertwine in a bizarrely sensual embrace. But somehow, there isn't anything usual about it. It’s as if Shizuo has just become part of the black, hazy background._

_Then, just before Shizuo floats too far into the darkness, both Izaya's turn to look at him. Their twin gazes snap to him, yanking Shizuo into the foreground so quickly he feels like the got whiplash._

_“Shizuo.”_

_They say in unison, the hunger and desperation so identical in both of their faces that the two of them don't look different at all anymore._

_“Do you love me?”_

 

 

 

On the morning of Izaya's day out with Shizuo, Izaya makes it a point to not spend nearly as much time getting ready as he did when he went out to find the Blue Squares. This is not difficult because Izaya is not cross-dressing this time.

Cross-dressing was an interesting experience, not terrible per say, but not something he's going to make a habit of. His curiosity is mostly satisfied on the matter and he's glad the field test worked well enough for it to be a tool, but that's it. No matter how much his sisters beg for a day out with their “nee-chan,” he's not going to go that far.

So, unfortunately for Shizu-chan, the lovely Kanra will not be making an appearance today. This day is for Izaya and he does not intend to share it with anyone. Not even a persona he created.

Instead, Izaya keeps it simple and himself and just takes a shower, gives his hair a cursory brush, and dresses in his usual attire. Black everything.

But no glasses. He doesn't need his reading glasses in the park.

He makes the girls pancakes to compensate for leaving them alone all day as he is not going to pay for another sitter and trusts that they can watch each other. Besides, he's running out of sitters that are ignorant enough to agree to take the job.

Mairu and Kururi scarf down as many pancakes as they can, each of their stacks drowning in syrup and strawberries. Izaya tries not to vomit at the sight and continues to ignore their pestering about him going to see his “boyfriend” while he files his nails. Every word out of their mouths sets Izaya more on edge.

“Iza-nii, have you and Shizu-nii kissed yet?”

“Getting… married?”

“Yeah!! Iza-nii, you should totally marry Shizu-nii! That way he can be our big brother all the time!”

“...sex.”

“Ooohhhh! I bet they are having sex! People who are married have lots of sex! Iza-nii, how do two boys have sex?”

Izaya almost snaps the paper file in half but manages to remain calm.

“Two boys cannot get married in Japan. We are not having sex.” He tells them with a sickly sweet smile. “I have to go soon, but if you shut up and eat your pancakes now I promise I will tell you how two boys have sex later.”

The girls whine but settle down obediently. Candidly answering their many, many questions has always been an effective bargaining chip to get them to behave. Plus, it means the girls are very well informed for their age. Izaya does not believe in keeping children ignorant on purpose.

“Now, before I go, is everything set up in case a stranger tries to come in? Izaya asks, referring to the assortment of dangerous, homemade traps he's had set up around the house since he was a child. They're simple, effective, and so easy a child can work them because he, as a child, made them.

“Yes.” The two drone as if he's asking if they've done all their homework.

“Good. I'll be off now.” Izaya stands, gives them the hugs they demand and heads out to meet Shizuo for the agreed upon time of 11:00.

 


	25. Walking, Talking, and Saying Too Much

With his sisters pestering him, Izaya hadn't had time to feel nervous. Now, left to his thoughts in the crisp winter air as he walks, Izaya is overwhelmed with the knowledge that this is the first time he's ever gone out to spend time with a friend. A friend he wants to keep all to himself all the time.

 

Izaya is terrified. He'd rather face the Blue Squares again. At least that wasn't  _ really _ Izaya.

 

_ This is a terrible idea. Why did I agree to this? _

 

Each step makes Izaya retreat deeper into his own head, mentally berating himself for getting this involved and for every moment in which he may have let Shizuo accidentally see genuine emotion.

 

By the time he reaches the meeting place, the rusty bench with peeling blue paint next to the tree that's been carved up with countless names, Izaya’s twisted himself up in so many knots can't even hear Shizuo calling his name the first two times.

 

“Izaya!”

 

Izaya jolts out of his own head, instantly unraveling.

 

“Geez, Shizu-chan, don't sneak up on me like that.”

 

“I wasn't sneaking,” Shizuo says with a frown. “I've been calling your name from across the street… don't tell me you got hit in the head with a bat too?”

 

_ It's a joke. Shizuo just made a joke.  _ In a morbid way, it's pretty funny. Just what Izaya needed to laugh at right now.

 

“Haha, no, if that happened I'd be in the hospital. I'm not a monster like you.”

 

Shizuo huffs and gives Izaya a playful shove in the direction of the path that's bound to leave a nice bruise on his upper arm and would've knocked Izaya over had he not been expecting it.

 

The two start walking together, hands jammed in their respective pockets to hide from the cold. It takes Izaya a step and a half to match Shizuo's stride. Shizuo walks slow and hunched, a classic tall-person walk.

 

But Izaya can only count steps in his head for so long before the silence gets awkward, prompting Izaya to wrack his brain for something to say.

 

He always feels like he has so much to say, but right now, he's grasping at straws for a place to start. Until he remembers something that he feels like he said ages ago.

 

_ “Next time I'll ask something just right for a hardened detective.” _

 

_ It has been a while since our last riddle. _

 

“Poor Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:   
  


‘I was walking by Mr. Teddy’s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. I walked through the snow towards the window, and I had to wipe the condensation off the window to see inside. That is when I saw his body. I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward.’

 

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?”

 

There is a beat of silence between them before Shizuo barks out a warm laugh.

 

“I think you're losing your touch. That's an easy one.” He says, surprising Izaya with how quickly he's claiming to have it figured out.  _ It's barely been a minute. _

 

He leaves Izaya hanging for a moment while he shakes a cigarette out of his half empty carton and puts it between his chapped lips.

 

“Ya can't wipe condensation off a window from the outside.”

 

Izaya doesn't know why, but he laughs too.

 

“I guess nothing gets past you, Detective Heiwajima.”

 

“Well, yeah, when you’re not talking in poetry and shit riddles are easy.”

 

Conversation comes easy after that. As usual, Izaya does most of the talking, but Shizuo does share about the latest Holmes novel he’s been reading. In this mystery, there’s been a poisoning - something about toxic gasses - and Izaya can’t resist sharing all he knows on the subject. Chemistry isn’t his favorite subject, but it certainly isn’t hard, just a bit dry. Shizuo gives him a strange, sideways look that Izaya doesn’t understand and isn’t sure he wants to.

…

 

And suddenly, they've made a complete circle and are right back where they've started. The park had flown past without Izaya’s notice in the company and conversation of Shizuo. When they stop at the rusty, blue bench Izaya finally realizes how long it's been and how cold it is with the increasing wind chill. He tries to contain his shivering, but Shizuo must notice it anyway.

 

“So… do you like hot chocolate or something?”

 

“I'm more of a coffee person,” Izaya replies smoothly, “but I wouldn't be opposed to a hot drink if that's what you're asking.”

 

Shizuo's grin is dazzling despite his ducked chin and hunched shoulders in the wind. “Great! There's this cheap cafe nearby my Mom used to work at nearby.”

 

Izaya turns to walk in what he assumes is the right direction.

 

“The one on 19th?”

 

“Yeah.” Shizuo stomps out his cigarette and takes a particularly large step to catch up to him.

 

“I sometimes bring my sisters there for hot chocolate.” Izaya elaborates.

 

Shizuo perks up at the mention of Izaya's sisters. “Really? How are Mairu and Kururi doing?”

 

Izaya answers vaguely at first, but as they walk into the city he loses control of his tongue and before he knows it Izaya finds himself telling Shizuo all about his sisters. Without even realizing it, Izaya ends up in the cafe and pauses in the middle of a story about their recent trouble-making to order a small, black coffee.

 

Shizuo fumbles awkwardly at the register for a moment and Izaya has no idea why, but quickly forgets when Shizuo turns back to him to ask about what their teacher had said to Izaya.

 

“So, she wanted to meet your parents?” Shizuo prompts Izaya to pick up where he left off, leading them to a table by the front windows.

 

Izaya stiffens at this, kicking himself for mentioning his parents. Shizuo was bound to ask eventually, but Izaya prefers to avoid that sort of thing at all costs.

 

“Yes.” He says, as easily as possible. “But they're on a business trip right now.”

 

It's not a lie. It's not even that unusual. Lots of people's parents leave for business trips. Sometimes.

 

So why does Shizuo look so skeptical when Izaya tells him this?

 

“That's too bad,” Shizuo grumbles. “My Mom works a lot too, not business trips or anything fancy. Just a lot of work.”

 

Shizuo pauses, clearly, has something else he wants to say, but picks at a scuff mark on the table instead. Izaya waits for him.

 

“My father… he doesn't work so much. Mom probably wouldn't have to work so much if he did, y’know?”

 

Shizuo's expression tells Izaya that he's making quite the understatement, but Izaya supposes that he did the same - so it's fair.

 

“Both my parents work a lot.” Izaya offers as casually as he can. “But they're totally different kinds of people too. My father works in a bubble analyzing data and my mother works with people.”

 

Izaya can remember one thing that his mother said to him, many years ago.

 

_ “Let me tell you a secret about my success.”  _ She said to him, pausing to carefully re-apply some velvety lipstick.  _ “It’s easy to make people like you. All you have to remember is that everyone, at their core, is self-centered. Always show people that you’re interested in them first, and how you can be useful to them. No one cares about you if you just sit down and start talking about yourself - they might eventually - but not right from the start.” _

 

Like Shizuo, Izaya has always felt a greater admiration for his mother than his father.

 

“My father gambles and drinks.” Shizuo blurts out, then seems to curl up in self-consciousness.

 

“... Ah…” Izaya really doesn’t know what to say to this. Thankfully, their order is called and Shizuo jumps out of his seat to get it before Izaya has to think about what to say in what would’ve been a horrifically awkward silence.

 

When Shizuo returns he places Izaya’s coffee in front of him and his own hot chocolate down on his side of the table. Whipped cream is piled on top of it, just like his sisters’. Shizuo slides back into his seat but he looks anything but settled and it puts Izaya on edge.

 

The two sip their drinks in silence until Shizuo shifts forward, sitting perched on the edge of his seat, and slowly reaches his right hand toward Izaya like he’s reaching out to pet an alley cat. Izaya can’t move, feels paralyzed as his pounds with both of his palms and his gaze locked firmly onto the table.

 

A thousand years later, Shizuo’s hand invades Izaya’s side of the table and Izaya can’t breathe. Very gently, he takes Izaya’s hand in his. Izaya stares blankly at their hands - as if he’s watching a movie but can feel their pulses pounding together - while Shizuo, shaking and clumsy, intertwines their fingers. Shizuo swallows audibly and takes a long, deep breath.

 

“Izaya, this-... this is a date, right?”

 

Izaya can’t find his voice. He’s busy watching the incomprehensible scene in front of him, anxious to find out what happens next.

 

“When I asked you to come out today, I meant it as a date.” As Shizuo continues his meek voice gains confidence. “I just wanted to be sure you knew that I… I don’t care that we’re both guys.”

 

_ Oh…  _ Izaya realizes distantly,  _ this is happening to  _ me  _ it’s not just… happening. _

 

And suddenly, a few more pieces slide into place. Suddenly, there’s a shift and Izaya is back.

 

He tightens his limp hand on Shizuo’s and lunges forward as much as the table will allow him, startling Shizuo with the aggressive nature of the motion, then parts his lips and breathes out a slow, almost sultry laugh that’s just a few shades too dark.

 

“Of course I knew, Shi~zu~chan…” Izaya whispers, taking his time with each syllable in sharp contrast to the way he pounced forward. “It doesn’t matter that I’m a man, you can’t get me out of your head, can you?”

 

Shizuo goes scarlet, redder than he’s ever been while enraged, and opens his mouth but can’t seem to do more than make choking sounds.

 

Izaya’s not sure why he’s being so bold in public, he thinks that there’s a part of him he can’t hear right now that’s horrified by his audacity.

 

It doesn’t matter. Izaya inches forward, standing and leaning across the table. He’s moving so slowly, and his hold on Shizuo’s hand would hardly be enough to keep Shizuo anywhere he didn’t want to be. So, Izaya keeps going until he’s inches away from Shizuo’s face.

 

“You can keep the jacket. Add it to your  _ evidence collection _ of me or whatever you want to call your little shrine in your bedroom.”

  
Izaya had meant it as a joke, but the expression on Shizuo’s face makes him wonder just how accurate that joke really is.


	26. Marking His Territory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait folks! School's been hectic but all I want to do is write this story :(

 

Shizuo doesn't know how Izaya managed it, but somehow he's talked Shizuo into bringing him home.

Shizuo suspects it had something to do with the kiss on the nose he received. It wasn't quite as shy and sweet as he had been imagining the past few years of his life - more like taunting, actually - but it still left Shizuo blushing and breathless.

On the way to Shizuo's place, Shizuo can't stop glancing at the way Izaya walks. His hips sway a little more and he's almost got a skip in his step. It's completely different from the way he walked in the park.

After that vivid, crazy dream Shizuo has become more conscious of the way Izaya seems to switch between two different people - suddenly and with no apparent pattern that Shizuo can see. One moment Shizuo is talking about the book he's reading and the next Izaya is giving him a grossly detailed description about how various chemicals can kill like some kind of... serial killer. One moment they were having an awkward but meaningful cafe date and the next Izaya's throwing himself over the table and is calling Shizuo out on his crush - lips practically dripping toxic seduction.

Shizuo can't keep up, but Izaya's always been a wild and dark mystery to him. It stands to reason that Shizuo must… find that attractive.

_Why couldn't have I just been attracted to some friendly, average girl or something…_

But friendly, average girls were afraid of him, and Izaya seemed to relish in Shizuo's abnormality.

When they get to Shizuo's front door he realizes, with ice-cold terror, that no one is home. Many people would prefer it that way, but not Shizuo. It's not that Shizuo is particularly anxious for Izaya to meet his family, but the presence of family should be enough to keep a couple of teens with questionable judgment in check.

But his Mom is, of course, working and Kasuka is meeting up with classmates to work on a school project. Shizuo wonders if it's too late to turn back

When Izaya pushes past him into the Heiwajima home like he owns the place, Shizuo doesn't have to wonder anymore. 

“Um… nobody’s… nobody's home right now…” Shizuo mumbles unnecessarily when Izaya steps into the empty main room. “Mom’s working and uh… well, you probably already knew that.”

The look that Izaya shoots Shizuo over his shoulder is chilling. 

But then, the switch is flipped again and Izaya turns to face Shizuo with a small, seemingly harmless smile.

“I figured as much…” he hums and shrugs his coat off onto the couch, irritatingly comfortable. “Since there's no one to ask me about school, my age, and future plans how about we just skip to the tour?”

Shizuo's never shown anyone around his house before. _Is that how dates go?... who am I kidding, a scrawny nerd like Izaya doesn't fuckin’ know._  

But Shizuo doesn't know how to refuse.

“Um, okay… the kitchen’s right over -”

“I'm bored. Show me your room.”

The mild-mannered smile Izaya wears is a ruse. The switch never flipped at all. Izaya is still in villain mode and Shizuo's never been so freaked out in his life. He curses the part of him that likes it.

Shizuo can think of a hundred reason to NEVER bring Izaya into his bedroom, let alone Izaya is villain mode.

_The same Izaya that I had to chase down dark alleys only to be seduced when I finally caught the little…_

_Oh wait, none of that happened._

The first and foremost reason to keep Izaya out of his room is his wall of evidence from when he was still hunting the mystery boy in the back of the library. Izaya may have already accidentally called him out on it, but that doesn't make it any less mortifying.

While Shizuo gapes at Izaya, trying to find an excuse that Izaya will accept, Izaya loses his patience. Or more likely, he loses interest in watching Shizuo flounder while the promise of something juicer is in the house.

Much like the way Izaya has no problems disrespecting his name, invading his privacy, and barging into his home - Izaya does not hesitate to turn away and search for Shizuo's room for himself. A move Shizuo really should have seen coming, honestly.

_He seriously just does whatever he wants! Doesn't he have any concept of social boundaries?!_

_Actually, that would explain some things._

Shizuo, with the advantage of knowing his home, runs past Izaya to get to his room first in hopes that he'll have enough time to tear everything off the walls or block the door before Izaya can see anything embarrassing. Izaya laughs and chases after Shizuo, sounding wild and unrestrained. He keeps on Shizuo's heels easily, being unexpectedly quick for a bookworm, over the short distance between the living room and Shizuo's bedroom. Despite Shizuo’s head start, he isn't able to slam the door shut before Izaya slips under Shizuo's outstretched arm like an octopus covered in oil and through the doorway. Desperately, Shizuo keeps running straight to the wall to tear down as much as possible.

But Izaya doesn't spare much more than a passing glance at Shizuo’s evidence wall. His attention is captured by an entirely different element of the room.

Izaya tosses himself onto Shizuo's bed, bouncing and giggling with that edge of mania that keeps him from appearing ordinary. He rolls over Shizuo's bed, purposefully wrecking sheets which have been patched so many times from Shizuo accidentally gripping them too tight when he has a nightmare or makes his bed.

It's a sight Shizuo never thought he'd be able to see: someone so comfortable and so unafraid that they don't even think twice before disrespecting his space. It's rude, and out-of-bounds, and as annoyed as Shizuo is he is enamored just as much. His arms fall from their position splayed across his wall to his sides where they lie limp. Shizuo is pulled by an invisible force which, like in his dream, is really just the force of Izaya, that he cannot resist any more than he can resist gravity towards the bed. He stands at the side and of his bed silently and takes in the sight, feeling powerless. If Izaya feels any sort of way about Shizuo standing there, watching and limp, he doesn't show it.

Eventually, Izaya tires of rolling and bouncing around like a pesky flea and simply lays in the middle of Shizuo’s bed - arms and legs spread with his palms facing up in acceptance and his head tilted back into Shizuo's flat pillow. His body goes as limp as Shizuo’s, his eyes flutter shut, and his breathing slows almost to the rate of a sleeping person.

In this moment, Izaya appears completely open. His body language is totally unguarded and submissive to the contentment that eases his features. Yet this same appearance of submission gives Izaya complete power - the power of happiness. Though Shizuo could throw him out, could reject him, could kill him with as much ease as crushing a soda can, Izaya is completely untouchable. In this very brief moment that Shizuo wishes would last forever, Shizuo knows that he is the one who is submitting to Izaya.

Izaya’s hair fans out around his pale face, staining Shizuo's pillow with a small pool of ink. The points of his nose and chin are raised, touching a secret sort of divinity that's only visible in the serene smile on his lips. The line of his neck is long and graceful, decorated with a sharp Adam's apple before flowing down to bony shoulders which jut into collarbones that Shizuo can visualize beneath the form-fitting shirt. His waist is small, making his hips which cannot be much wider than Shizuo's appear slightly more feminine except for the fact that they protrude so high on his body. His legs are slender and absolutely beautiful, relaxed against the support of Shizuo's cheap mattress that seems so grossly unfit to support his body. Izaya appears out of place - as though he is outlined in thick, black pen strokes - and yet he looks completely at home in a monster’s lair. The man made of duality and contradictions captures Shizuo's heart all over again 

And then, the moment passes.

After Izaya's gone home to his sisters, with a few niceties shared with Kasuka on his way out whose return from his group project had woken Izaya from his beautiful trance, Shizuo is left to his own thoughts.

He tells Kasuka about the date and how he thinks it went well and is very excited to say that _yes Izaya knew it was a date._

He does not tell Kasuka about how he is questioning his own sanity by being hopelessly attracted to such a twisted person, but he suspects Kasuka already knows.

He does realize that night when he returns to his room fresh out of the shower how much he fucked himself by letting Izaya spread his scent all over his bed like he was marking his territory.

And when Shizuo wakes up in the middle of the night, covered in a thin sheen of sweat with cum in his boxers like some pent-up fourteen year old he lets himself consciously think about what it may be like to have another man’s dick in his hand for the first time. He thinks that Izaya could have him begging to let Shizuo touch him in any way that promises to make Izaya look even a fraction as wonderful as he did in Shizuo's bed.

The idea is terrifying, and the fear has nothing to do with it being gay. I'm hindsight, Shizuo has no idea why gender was ever an issue. The issue is obvious. It's Izaya.

The words of the two Izayas in his dream still haunt him.

_Do you love me?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


This evening Kanra decides to re-wear the black turtleneck and boots, but pair them with some red skinny jeans against the cold instead of a skirt.

Izaya feels much more secure in a pair of pants this time, despite the dangers of it being more androgynous than feminine, but he's pretty sure he's sunk his claws deep enough into Akihito that the boy won't notice. With Akihito, a fairly generic member of the Blue Squares under his thumb, he'll have easy access to their base while appearing non-threatening. While the way this group of over-sized children treats women are clearly disgusting and pathetic Izaya plans to take full advantage of being seen as _the weaker sex_.

When Kanra arrives at the Blue Squares hideout, batting her eyelashes and swaying her hips, the boy's don't hesitate to let her in.

Tonight Kanra makes sure to hang off of Akihito’s arm in front of a large group of the Blue Squares while whining about the cops who almost caught her sneaking out past curfew.

Which is a lie, of course, but one Izaya is sure the boys can relate to.

She gives an impassioned, but not too articulate, speech about how the police are oppressive and should be taught a lesson by the people.

Many of the Blue Squares cheer in agreement, and any who may be opposed are too afraid to stand out.

Once again, Kanra manages to avoid a kiss with Akihito - dangling to sweet promise of affection that he's so desperate for just out of reach a little longer.

  
_Just a little bit longer._

 


	27. Pull Me Closer

 

On Monday Izaya drags himself to his favorite spot in the library, same time as always, to see Shizuo sitting in that rickety wooden chair by the closet waiting for him.

“Morning.” Shizuo grunts at Izaya's arrival. Izaya is too drained from lack of sleep to respond.

Since Shizuo had already broken the lock some time ago, he had no reason to wait for Izaya to open the door.

But he does and follows Izaya right on his heels. Defeating the possible effort of respecting Izaya's space that might have manifested in the form of waiting for Izaya to enter the closet.

Not that Izaya minds. He can't wait for Shizuo's electric touch to erase the memory of Kanra awkwardly hanging off that Blue Square’s arm a few hours ago. At the very least Shizuo smells nice.

As soon as they're inside the safety of their little back room the boys drop their stuff in front of the door and slide down adjacent sides of the wall in sync - both sluggish with Monday morning. Despite his exhaustion, Izaya can't help but smile a little and tosses his legs on top of Shizuo's.

Shizuo grunts and pushes Izaya's feet out of his lap, successfully knocking loose his school slippers, but Izaya bounces right back. This time digging cold feet into Shizuo's thighs.

“Stop that.” Shizuo grunts, but it sounds more like he's laughing than angry.

_Ah… I'm flirting again, aren't I? Really, it's second nature at this point. Especially with Shizu-chan._

“My feet are cold. Be a nice beast and warm them up for me.” Izaya teases, trying to swallow his own laughter. “It's the least you can do after luring me into your lair yesterday.” He peers at Shizuo over the brim of his glasses with a grin that twists into something more light-hearted than usual.

Shizuo throws Izaya’s feet out of his lap again, hard enough to throw Izaya's balance with it. “Hey! You forced your way into my ‘lair’!”

“You invaded mine first. We're even.” This time, Izaya re-orients his balance and slides down his wall much like he did when they first sat across from each other like this to stretch his foot out far enough to press his sock-covered toes to Shizuo's shoulder.

Shizuo doesn't look like he thinks they're even at all, but if he's upset about Izaya messing up his bed he can cry Izaya a river. That's not nearly as bad as what happened when Shizuo pinned him down and pulled his hair…

Izaya still hasn't forgiven all the accidental sexual torment Shizuo puts him through - and he wouldn't be Izaya without getting some revenge.

This time instead of throwing Izaya off Shizuo grabs Izaya's foot and yanks it upward - fully extending his arm pull Izaya away from the wall and let him fall to the floor completely. Izaya tries to swallow a squeak of surprise and is sprawling for balance and traction, but has no hope of freeing his foot from Shizuo's grip. Izaya is left with his head, arms, and shoulders as his only points of contact with solid ground while his lower body is lifted into the air with his leg, hovering over Shizuo's knees.

Without his regular means of wiggling his way to freedom, Izaya kicks his free leg out, aiming for Shizuo's face, in retaliation. It doesn't even occur to him to hold back. The potential backlash of kicking someone he wants in the face doesn't even enter Izaya's mind.

It's just too much fun.

His counterattack is in vain. Shizuo has far more experience with fighting than Izaya does and even though he never has to block blows he catches Izaya's free foot with ease. With both of his legs trapped and totally off-balance Izaya is running out of options. He's about to switch tactics and prepares to spout off some innuendo that Shizuo will be vulnerable to - probably something about having his legs spread - when Shizuo surprises him again by proving that just because his hands are full doesn't mean Shizuo is out of options.

The grip on Izaya's ankles tightens as the only warning before Shizuo hooks Izaya’s calves over his shoulders and stands up.

“Sh-Shizu-chan!” Izaya cries in indignation, voice cracking up high at the end. “Stop it! Put me down!” His arms flail as he instinctively tries to right himself.

Shizuo laughs at pretends to think about it. “I don't know Izaya. You look pretty cute like this.” He teases, looking down at Izaya with a grin up to his brown eyes. “But try not to be so loud, this is a library.”

Distraught doesn't even begin to cover it as the blood rushes to Izaya's head. He knows that he's always this vulnerable around Shizuo. Without a doubt, Shizuo is the most dangerous person in the city - maybe even more dangerous than gangsters with illegal firearms. But being subjected to his strength, harmless as it is, and being made to feel helpless because of Shizuo never fails to excite Izaya in every sense of the word.

Izaya gets his arms under his head and manages to steady himself with a partial handstand so he's no longer swaying. It's hotter and harder to breathe for a few reasons but Izaya manages to collect himself enough to resort to his tried and true method of taming the beast. He cranes his neck, searching to catch Shizuo's eyes with his own.

“Oh come on, Shizu-chan, aren't I always cute? You're hurting my feelings.” He says, dipping his voice low in just the right way to fluster Shizuo. “I bet you're just saying that because you can see up my shirt. If you wanted a peek, all you had to do was ask…”

“No! I mean, yes but- No! That's not what I-!”

Works every time.

Izaya isn't in the mood to hold back, so he doesn't, and laughs. It has that edge of mania his natural laugh always has, but it's not malicious or condescending. He's just laughing at his own joke.

And Shizuo must be able to hear what kind of laugh it is too because then he laughs.

Again, it's Shizuo who remembers where they are first and he quickly hushes Izaya. Both of them work to swallow their laughter so they're not caught, but light-headed Izaya has a much harder time reigning in his giggles while Shizuo lowers him to the floor. Fortunately, it's early enough that the library is empty and the librarian is watching her drama before many students arrive.

Izaya is flat on his back and still giggling from the wild ride and the head rush when Shizuo sits down on the floor next to him.

“Sshhhh, shut up, Izaya.” Shizuo hisses out while catching his own breath and covers Izaya’s mouth to silence him. “That old bat is scarier than the both of us. I ain't gettin’ caught ‘cause you're letting some of your crazy out.” Shizuo is smiling so warm that Izaya thinks he could have said literally anything and it would have made him feel good. Almost as good as being on the floor with Shizuo over top of him again.

Izaya tries to say: “It’s your fault.” But the words are muffled by Shizuo's palm. So Izaya does what any reasonable person would do and licks Shizuo's hand with the entire length of his tongue.

“That's disgusting!” Shizuo pulls his hand back like Izaya's tongue is made of fire, and judging by the red in his face, it might've felt like it too.

The heat on Shizuo's cheeks weighs Izaya's eyelids down to half-mast and makes his own body a bit hotter and Izaya can't resist teasing him some more.

_Poor Shizu-chan is just too much fun._

“Oh don't act so repulsed by me now…” Izaya purrs, feeling deliciously in control again. “You seemed to love having me in bed earlier.” He wonders what he looks like. What Nakura saw in this face, and what Shizuo sees in this face. Black horns come to mind and another delirious giggle bubbles out from between his lips.

Shizuo, to his credit, manages to string some actual words this time.

“I-Izaya come on, don't joke like that…” He chuckles awkwardly, eyes flickering down to Izaya's lips.

Izaya hums noncommittally and tips his head back to expose his neck to his tamed monster, just for the pleasure of looking down his nose at Shizuo and making an offering of himself at the same time.

Izaya considers his options for what to do next. Shizuo is sitting just within reach. So naturally, Izaya sits up just enough to wrap his arms around Shizuo's neck and lays back to ease Shizuo down with him. The rush of power that comes with effortlessly guiding Shizuo's movements never gets old. Once Izaya is laying flat on his back again and Shizuo is sitting above him, craned down uncomfortably to follow Izaya's urgings but not laying beside him out of nerves, Izaya leans in and kisses Shizuo on the nose again.

“Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I loved it too.”

  
  
  
  


The rest of the week Izaya does not seem to hesitate to press himself close to Shizuo whenever they are in their sacred space together and Shizuo couldn't be happier. All of his free time at school is spent in this forgotten closet with an almost other-worldly boy who smells like poison and is better than a whole pack of American Blue’s.

Every day he and Izaya are touching somehow. First, they started to sit side-by-side, shoulders brushing while they read quietly together. Then, they pressed together while Izaya tutored Shizuo in the subjects he missed most often to try to get his studies back on track. Despite the obvious distraction of it being Izaya, he was a decent teacher.

Now they've somehow gotten closer. Shizuo doesn't think that either of them decided to have Izaya sit between Shizuo's legs and lean back against his chest with that pink blanket wrapped around the both of them, he thinks they just fell into the position together.

Shizuo doesn't know what he did to deserve this. Such a cute, little nerd snuggling into him, complaining about the cold until Shizuo wraps the blanket around them and encases his senses shamelessly in the scent of bitter almonds while Izaya reads to him doesn't seem like something Shizuo's earned.

The only thing Shizuo isn't happy about is how increasingly tired Izaya seems to be. Every day he acts sleepier and a sleepy, grumpy Izaya may be adorable, but it's not healthy. Most students are tired this time of year from studying. Shizuo knows that Izaya doesn't study. He doesn't know if Izaya’s got insomnia, his sisters keeping him up, or if he's up all night making dastardly plans.

It's gotten so bad that Izaya's started re-reading sentences.

“You already read that part.”

“I was just testing you.”

“No, you weren't,” Shizuo says, hunching forward to rest his chin on Izaya's shoulder. “When did you go to bed?”

“At night.”

Shizuo sighs and knows Izaya is going to be difficult until they die, so he stops asking.

“You need to sleep.”

“I'm fine.”

“That wasn't a question.”

Shizuo plucks the book out of Izaya's limp hands with surprisingly little resistance. He marks the page, places it to the side and tightens his hold around Izaya's waist before he can think himself out of what he's about to do.

As long as Shizuo doesn't think too much, it's easy to tip their weight to the side and lie down together with Izaya still cradled into his chest. Shizuo tucks his face into the back of Izaya's neck for a few calming breaths. He expects Izaya to wiggle out of his arms like an unhappy cat, or at least complain, but Izaya just presses back into Shizuo's body heat and lets his eyes slip shut.

As nice as this feels, now Shizuo is very worried. But right now the best he can do is shift one arm to make it a pillow for Izaya and readjust the blanket on top of them.

  
Shizuo suspects that Izaya's too young for whatever's keeping him up all night.

 


	28. Falling in Love

 

And finally, Kanra and Izaya meet Ran Izumi. 

 

It's a simple thing to get his claws into Izumi. So simple, so predictable it's almost not satisfying - but it doesn't need to be. Not yet. 

 

First, Kanra gets Izumi to like her. To Izaya's surprise, this is the hardest step. The moment Izumi busts out of his private room, ushering a frightened looking girl to exit, and lays his eyes on Kanra he immediately voices distaste. 

 

“So, who's this bitch?” He asks, jerking his head towards Kanra. 

 

Akihito immediately tenses, the conflict of fearing Izumi and genuinely caring for Kanra was written all over his body language. Ultimately the boy stays quiet, curling in on himself despite his firm hold on Kanra's arm. It makes Izaya wonder if he'd object should Izumi decide he wants Kanra for himself. 

 

Kanra introduces herself as Akihito's friend, making sure to stutter before deciding on the term “friend” and giggle to appear uncertain about the extent of their relationship. As if Kanra or Izaya could ever be interested in someone so pathetic. 

 

Izumi leans into Kanra’s face to study it and the stare he gives is so unsettling that Izaya wonders for a bone-chilling moment if his cover is blown. 

 

But thankfully, Izumi's not that sharp. 

 

“She's cute I guess, for a chick with no tits. But she reminds me of my asshole little brother.”

 

Izaya has no information about Izumi’s little brother, but instinct tells him to be offended. 

 

It take more work than he thought it would because he didn't anticipate being similar to Izumi’s brother, but eventually Kanra wins him over enough by following his mother’s advice and the advice of many books he's read. He lets Izumi do most of the talking, makes him feel important by emphasizing how infamous his name is -  _ names _ have unexpected value, and lastly, lets the seeds he's sown of dramatized ideals against the police sink in from the other gang members. 

 

That last part is important. It is imperative that Kanra is not the one to mention anything about striking out against the police to Izumi directly. On its surface it's a good enough idea that the low-rank Blue Squares will blurt it out without crediting Kanra, a piece of psychology any moron can count on, and that's exactly what happens. Izumi is so much of an alpha dog that he has no problems claiming the idea for his own. 

 

With only a handful of conversational tricks Izumi Ran is all too happy to destroy his gang for Izaya with an idea that started out as sub-par and short-sighted and has since been inbred into something can can hardly be traced back to Kanra's carefully chosen words. 

 

Izaya knows the Blue Squares are young and impulsive, but this is just sad.  _ Really, this group was born to die _ .

 

Izumi invites his higher ranking members into his private room to discuss the details of his plan, and unfortunately Akihito isn't one of them. Not that Izaya can't find out what they've said later. 

 

It's getting late and Izaya is beyond tired. All he wants to do it go to the library and nap with Shizuo. Izaya has never thought of himself as a touchy-feely person before, always thought he could barely stand touch. 

 

But the first time Shizuo locked his arms around Izaya's waist from behind, Izaya cried. 

 

Silently, a learned skill from a childhood with parents who didn't want to be bothered, but he cried and has been denying that happened to himself ever since.

 

But Kanra can't leave just yet. She has to let Akihito reaffirm his pathetic ego in front of her by lighting up some cheap cigarettes. 

 

She's sure he's going to push for a kiss, but then he surprises her. 

 

“Kanra… don't worry about Izumi, okay?” He says very quietly, very seriously as he looks in her eyes. “I know he's a jerk and not good to girls but… I want you to know that I like you and I won't let him hurt you. Even if he's my boss.” 

 

He murmurs with a cigarette he can hardly inhale between his lips, seeking her hand out with his own under the dim lights and using his lackluster shoulders as a line against the other boys behind him who are hollering about something else entirely. 

 

_ Ah… he's falling for Kanra… _

 

This is something Izaya considered, but never seriously took into account. The morality of making a young boy fall in love with a lie. Now that he's faced with it…

 

_ This is hilarious! _

 

It takes all of Izaya's will power to distort the crazed smile that wants to mar Kanra's face into something soft and sweet. He doesn't know how he manages it, but Kanra doesn't laugh in Akihito's face tonight. She does manage to thank him gracefully and take her leave after kissing him on the cheek, strangling the laughter over his love-struck face into something that sounds like a girlish giggle of embarrassment. 

 

But Izaya's not cruel to the point of inhumanity. He won't be dragging this masquerade out much longer, despite the fun little power rush he's getting over it. 

 

A few hours later and Izaya's skipping to school, still feeling so proud of Kanra. 

 

And when he sees his handsome beast Shizu-chan he can hardly resist getting into his lap as he sits in that wooden chair reading some C-grade mystery Izaya can solve just by looking at the cover. He refrains by kicking Shizuo's shin for attention followed by kissing his monster on the forehead. 

 

And then all his pride drains from his face when Shizuo looks up at him with his nose twisted up on a stench Izaya had forgotten about. 

 

“Izaya… why do you smell like cigarettes?”

 

After all this time. After being so careful Izaya made the same mistake twice. Not taking more precautions with the beast’s nose. 

 

Izaya has been so careful over the past week of being in the Blue Squares base to shower and wear fresh clothes because he hadn't forgotten about Shizu-chan’s sense of smell. Except for today. Today he was enjoying himself too much. 

 

_ Another stupid mistake! I may as well have ‘amateur’ written across my forehead! _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It's a rank smell that Shizuo would recognize anywhere and it absolutely does not belong on Izaya. 

 

“Would you believe that I'm taking after you and decided to pick up smoking?” Izaya says. His tone is teasing, but it's always teasing so Shizuo has no idea if he means it or not. 

 

Instinct says that Izaya is too smart to start smoking. Try a cigarette, maybe, but not become a smoker. 

 

But Shizuo has to be sure. He's scowling as he brings Izaya's face close to his own, as though he could intimidate him. Close enough for a kiss, but Shizuo can't think about that with his concern. So he just holds Izaya close enough for the other boy to blush and squirm while he smells his breath. 

 

Mint toothpaste as always. Not a single trace of smoke, which Shizuo knows is far too stubborn to get rid of that easy. 

 

“No, you haven't. Your breath smells fine to me.”

 

“Ahaha, perceptive as always Shizu-chan!” Izaya laughs. “It was just a little joke, no need to get so worked up.”

 

Shizuo lets go of Izaya's face and tries to make his own less angry at Izaya.

 

“Fine, then what is it?”

 

“We live in Ikebukuro, is it really that surprising that I’d walk by some people smoking on my way to school today?” Izaya sighs, looking exasperated. 

 

Shizuo supposes that's true. There's often the vague smell of smoke on students as a natural result of living in a city but… 

 

“... but it's never been this strong on you before.” Shizuo insists, feeling his brows only crease deeper despite Izaya's reassurance. 

 

“I don't know what more I can tell you.” Izaya drawls with a shrug and his usual lopsided grin. “So I had some smoke blown on me this morning, it's not a big deal.”

 

Shizuo doesn't have any good way to respond to that. What Izaya said was perfectly reasonable but…

 

_ It doesn't feel like the truth.  _

 

_ Why does it always feel like Izaya is hiding something from me? _

 

“Ah, I bet you're such a possessive beast that you can't stand a different smell on me. If you want we can go outside and you can blow your cigarette smoke on me. Or maybe you'd rather just rub your smell on me in the closet again? I'm afraid to say I draw the line at pissing on me like I'm the fire hydrant in your front yard but I think I've given you some pretty good options, ne?”

 

Despite the Izaya being strange and annoying, Shizuo wants to ask him to be his boyfriend, but he can't do that yet. Not when he's sure Izaya's hiding something. Something big if the twang in his left leg is anything to go by. 

 

Detective Heiwajima is committed to getting to the bottom of whatever it is. 

  
But first, he needs to get Izaya back into that closet and wrap him up. Not because of the smell thing, of course. Just because he still looks tired.


	29. Happy Valentine's Day

 

When Izaya was casually observing Shizuo in the bathroom months ago and saw the length of his unerect penis that was one thing. One unforgettable, confusing, and kind of discouraging thing.

Feeling Shizuo's unfairly large erection grinding into his backside while he's trapped in Shizuo's arms having the back of his surprisingly sensitive ear mouthed at is an entirely different matter. Izaya doesn't know how much more he can take.

 

 

 

_Shizuo is back in that dark, hot space. He still can't move and much like last time the Izayas don't seem to mind him any more than a piece of furniture as they tangle around each other - locked in a heated kiss with all of their pale skin on display._

_As much as Shizuo wants to kiss them, being ignored is so strangely appealing that he doesn't want to do anything more than keep his mouth shut._

_The Izaya on the left only humors the Izaya on the right for a bit before completely dominating the kiss, jostling the Izaya on the right’s glasses and probably smudging them horribly. He deepens the kiss, sucking the other Izaya's bottom lip to coax them apart before dipping his tongue in._

_Shizuo's attention slips from their beautiful faces by more movement from the Izaya on the left. He slides both of his hands up the Izaya on the right’s sides, bringing out a shiver Shizuo couldn't have missed if he wanted to, before rolling his thumbs over the Izaya on the right's nipples. The reaction is instantaneous._

_The Izaya on the right gasps and keens, arching his back to create a dangerously enticing curve. The Izaya on the left breaks the kiss just enough to whisper:_  

_“Aw, Iza you're sooo cute. It's really a wonder how Shizuo's refrained from fucking you senseless all this time. It wouldn't be hard…” he breathes over Iza’s lips before glancing up to make searing eye contact with Shizuo as he licks over Iza’s lips long and slow._

_“All it would take is a little touch and you'd be all his…” he purrs into Iza but maintains unsettling eye contact with Shizuo._

_He turns his attention back to Iza, pinching his nipples hard to turn him completely boneless and easing him onto his back - a squirming mess that reminds Shizuo of the time he had caught Izaya months ago._

_With Iza pinned under Izaya, whimpering and helpless to his roaming hands Shizuo can't decide who's place he'd rather take in the erotic scene._

_Then, Izaya dips down to take Iza’s cock in his mouth and Shizuo tries but he just can't see it - and Shizuo knows whose place he wants to be in._

_Shizuo just can't crane his neck enough to see the entire picture the pair make, or maybe it's the inky haze of the room. Either way the tease of not being able to see enough is unbearable. Iza is nearing his climax while Izaya undoubtedly does wicked things with his mouth and Shizuo_ has to see it _but the haze is getting too strong and Iza’s face isn't even clear anymore - but the sounds are. The sounds are so clear, so real they hardly seem part of the dream. Each and every little moan sounds like it's being sung just for him._

 _And then Izaya fades into the background as Iza squeaks out_ “Shizuo!” _small and desperate, and Shizuo is lunging forward through the darkness._

Only to find Izaya's already in his arms.

“Iza…?” Shizuo mumbles, voice rough with sleep, half of his brain still chasing his dream when he huffs a hot groan into Izaya's ear.

“Is everything okay?” He grumbles, feeling worry seep through the hazy edges in his mind when he feels Izaya shaking like a leaf in his arms.

He loosens his hold to pull back enough to look at Izaya's face but the moment he has enough room Izaya shoots out of his arms like a tight rubber band that's been released. Shizuo sits up in response, feeling the beginnings of panic creep down his spine.

_Oh no, did I hold him too tight when I was sleeping? Oh god, I hurt him, didn't I-!_

“I- I'm fine, it's just… I- just-”

It was then that Shizuo noticed the aching hard on straining against his pants.

“Fuck, Izaya!” Shizuo exclaims, equal parts mortified and afraid. His hands fly to his crotch to press down on his angry erection so hard it hurts - but not enough to make it go away.

“Izaya I- I'm so sorry! This isn't- I promise I'm not tryin’ ta-!”

“It's okay,” Izaya tries to laugh it off. “I'm a guy too. It happens. I get it.” But his voice is shaking and his laugh sounds forced.

“Fuck, I'm sorry!” Shizuo knows apologizing won't erase what happened but he doesn't know what else to say. “I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or-”

“Shizu-chan. I told you it's fine.” Izaya cuts him off, clipping his words short as he gathers his bag. “I, I have to go. I just remembered I have a test today anyway.”

It's obviously a lie. Izaya doesn't even sound like he's trying to make it a good one. He runs out and Shizuo doesn't stop him, because this would be the worst possible time to be stubborn and barricade Izaya in the closet with him.

Shizuo can't exactly run with the state he's in and the fact that Izaya can makes it all the more embarrassing.

  
  
  
  
  


Izaya can run because he does not have an erection. He does, however, have a terribly uncomfortable, sticky stain on his pants.

At the very least, he can be happy he wears dark clothes.

He feels an all-too-familiar shame as he rushes to the bathroom, and a little guilty for running from Shizuo like that.

But he absolutely _could not_ allow Shizuo to see his pathetic state.

_Absolutely inexcusable._

He locks himself in the nearest stall and berates himself.

Or tries to.

_But Shizu-chan wasn't playing fair! It's all that beast’s fault - I hate him!_

_What was I supposed to do?! I was trapped and he was groaning in my ear and it was so low and… and it was so hot and it's not my fault I didn't know my ears were so sensitive!_

Izaya buries his face in his hands, feeling a familiar hatred for his body’s sensitivity sting his eyes.

_The bastard even had the audacity to touch my chest!_

Izaya had already been aroused from his ears and the deep baritone of Shizuo's sleep voice that when Shizuo had unconsciously tightened his hold on Izaya and he accidentally dragged his fingertips and the fabric of Izaya's shirt over his nipples. That had been enough to send Izaya spiraling off the edge, accidentally squeaking out Shizuo's name and waking the brute up.

 _Oh god!_ Izaya bites his lip at the memory. _I could feel the outline of his… and he was grinding into me!_

Izaya has to admit to himself that it was good that he woke Shizuo up when he did, even if it was embarrassing. If Shizuo had continued Izaya would've been stuck and likely forced into overstimulation.

The idea of being held down and forced to take pleasure until Shizuo is satisfied makes more terrible heat stir in his abdomen, so Izaya chokes the thought down and locks it away.

After a long time of deep breathing and trying to clear his head, Izaya finally decides it's time to give up on today and head home. He has no idea how he'll face Shizuo tomorrow, has half a mind to try and avoid him, but Izaya knows he'll just be more miserable without him.

All he wanted was to enjoy some quiet time wrapped up in Shizuo's and his favorite blanket, maybe nap if sleep decided grace him while licking the bitterness of dark chocolate and almond pieces from his mouth. Courtesy of Shizuo's surprise Valentine's Day gift. Izaya hadn't even realized what day it was until Shizuo shoved a convenience store, heart-shaped paper box of candy into his hands.

Izaya hadn't thought to get Shizuo anything. He offered some of the cheap chocolates to Shizuo, who accepted but didn't seem to like them.

Izaya wonders what he's supposed to give Shizuo on The Most Awkward White Day Ever, but whatever it is, Izaya knows he has to give Shizuo _something_ because Shizuo is almost certainly basking in self-loathing right now. Maybe even planning to avoid Izaya as a form of repentance.

Izaya will not allow his monster to hide from him.

A cliche box of strawberries dipped in white chocolate will be necessary.  

 


	30. A Test Run

There are two sides to Heiwajima Shizuo.

As an avid people watcher, Izaya is well aware of the multiple lives and roles people play - it's the primary source of his fascination.

The duality of Shizuo is of special interest to Izaya.

There's the obvious duality. There's a Shizuo the public sees - a reckless kid who gets into brawls, bad grades, smokes on the school roof, and is in desperate need of guidance. Then, there's the Shizuo who hates violence and his reputation and is in desperate need of a peaceful life full of love.

Then there's the less obvious duality. There's what Izaya will call “Detective Heiwajima” for lack of a better name. The Shizuo with the determination for justice that will use violence for his morals. This Shizuo, Izaya theorizes, is evidence of nature rather than nurture. This Shizuo was born, not made, and still exists somewhere inside the blond delinquent. Then, there's what Izaya decides to call Corrupted Shizuo. The Shizuo who is by no means lawful good. The Shizuo who might let Izaya get away with murder because of a desire to be loved. This Shizuo, Izaya is sure, is evidence of nurture. This Shizuo was not born, but made, and is like a virus on Shizuo's true nature.

At one point in everyone's life, they had small, fragile dreams which may reflect a child's nature. Dreams like being the best police officer - or the best poet - that get lost in the past or are intentionally smothered in the face of nurture.

Izaya wonders if the innocent, starry-eyed boy Shizuo must've been at some point would be proud of the man he's become. If the Shizuo that stands today is someone that little boy would look up to. Izaya supposes, that the best a person can do for the little child inside of them would be to become someone worth looking up to.

Izaya has no idea if Shizuo has cared for the little boy that's a part of him. All he knows is that he's been trying to kill the little boy inside of himself for years.

Izaya exits the station and steps out into the cold air of Shinjuku. Because in Shinjuku, no one knows him.

Tonight, in the alleys of Shinjuku, Izaya will survive a fight.

He will fight back, of course, but he knows better than to anticipate winning. For now, Izaya doesn't need to win. He needs to test himself, needs to know how he suffers, and he needs to survive a beating.

That's all he needs for now.

Izaya knows better than to think he won't have any sort of physical confrontation with the Blue Squares. Ideally, he won't, but that's only an ideal.

Shinjuku isn't known for its gang violence like Ikebukuro and it's a wealthier city, but that doesn't mean there's no violence. Izaya's pretty sure he can find some rich boys who think they're tough for practice.

He walks through a fair amount of well-light streets with no luck, but eventually, he finds the sort of dark alleys he's looking for. Most of them are empty, he searches for hours even though it feels like only a few minutes, but eventually, he finds the sort of people he's looking for.

Four teenage boys smoking brand-name cigarettes and boasting about the designer drugs they've tried.

While on the train Izaya had thought for awhile, making a plan for how to entice them into a fight while appearing like the victim. Then he realized, looking innocent tonight really doesn't matter. This isn't his city.

He also thought about how to hide the bruises he's about to get. He decides to invest in some higher-quality makeup.

_Maybe I'll get some new lipstick while I'm at it. Kanra's going to need a finale look._

Izaya walks straight into the alley.

  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Shizuo is still not over that dream he had on Valentine's Day.

How could he be? Sure Izaya  _said_ it was fine but even if that's true it doesn't make the situation any less mortifying. Shizuo has no idea how he's going to live it down. He basically molested Izaya in his sleep. He didn't mean to, it wasn't his intention when he laid down to nap with Izaya, but he still did it. He feels awful for it.

On top of that, it was a _fucking weird_ wet dream. Not at all like the ones he normally has between him and some faceless, but still beautiful and petite older woman. It's not the fact that Izaya's a man that's freaking Shizuo out, although that is foreign territory. It's the fact that he was watching two Izaya's like some pervert voyeur. _Two_ Izayas  _again._

_Why couldn't it have been something nice and normal like watching just one Izaya masturbate? That's still embarrassing but at least it's normal!_

Shizuo has no idea how to interpret the dream. He doesn't want a second Izaya in his life, that's for damn sure.

Thinking back to the dream reminds him of the villainous, dominant Izaya’s words.

_“All it would take is a little touch and you'd be all his…”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Izaya’s heart had been pounding in his ears all the way up till this moment. Now, he's perfectly calm, clear-headed, relaxed as he circles the furious boys. Each of them is like a bull with tunnel vision on Izaya - so Izaya keeps moving, keeps circling to keep them lined up so he only has to worry about one at a time rather than being surrounded. He feels serene, distant while he dodges slow punches and grabs that throw his attackers off balance.

Until a right hook collides with his jaw.

It's not enough to break it, but it hurts. Izaya's never been punched in the face before. He's had bullies shove him to the ground, give him a few half-hearted kicks. But he's never been punched in the face. Pain explodes in his brain and Izaya realizes…

He's never felt so alive before, so awake so _here and now_ before.

And suddenly, Izaya loves the over-sized boy who made his head spin and his teeth rattle.

The blow sends him reeling back, it knocks him off balance and the boy - Izaya can see his face clearly now, can see the wild red haired and broad nose - the boy keeps pushing forward. He lunges forward with both arms outstretched to grab Izaya, but Izaya’s not down yet. He uses his backward stumble to avoid the thick arms. The world feels like it's slowed down just for Izaya as he decides it's time to rock forward, grabs the falling forward red hair in front of him, and time speeds up just in time for him to yank the boy's face down into his knee.

It hurts Izaya's knee, the bones and cartilage of redhead's nose are sharp. But he doesn't think his knee hurts as much as the boy’s face.

But Izaya's shift to offensive leaves him open. In the milliseconds in which the redhead jerks away in pain his friend practically shoves his out of the way to get to Izaya.

Again, Izaya's not fast enough.

The next guy's first cracks over the side of Izaya's head. For a moment his eyes lose focus, his head is ringing, and it's just so much _fun_. Izaya is pretty sure he can love this guy too.

Then, Izaya’s being thrown to the ground.

He knows what he needs to do now. He should curl up and try to protect his head and face.

All four large bodies surround him, no doubt to kick and stomp him into the asphalt, and Izaya wishes he had a knife to take to their fragile Achilles' tendons, but he came unarmed and ready to lose on purpose tonight.

Izaya lashes out one more time before they start kicking him with the heel of his foot aimed at the closest kneecap, but he misses and lands a hard blow to the shin instead. Still, the guy he hit cries out in pain and hops back, swearing and clutching the bruise.

Izaya has just enough time to curl up for protection before the first round of vengeful blows come. He's happy they don’t have the level of organization the Blue Squares do. If this were the Blue Squares some of them would probably holding Izaya down - open and exposed to every kick.

But it still hurts. Every blow has agony screaming to his brain and the four boys are terrible at varying the locations they're attacking on his body. Izaya has no doubt he'll have four horrendous bruises on his body - far deeper than the ones on his face. Izaya has no idea how long the beating is going on for. It feels like an excessively long time, but it's probably not long at all.

There's something strange about the pain. It's not the same as the accidental bruises Shizuo’s left by grabbing his shoulder or shoving at his ankles - if the pain was as nice as that Izaya could lay here for twice and long as these boys have the energy to beat him for.

This pain is interesting in a different way. It's exhilarating because Izaya takes every blow and knows he can take more. Humans are incredible because of how much damage they can take, because of their ability to heal themselves.

But Izaya is feeling more than human. Laying curled up in an alley, being beaten relentlessly and bleeding would have any normal human feeling afraid or humiliated. But Izaya feels more alive than ever because he can take it because he's surviving it because he's not at this limit yet.

If fighting and being beaten makes him feel powerful, he can't even imagine what _winning_ will feel like.

_Maybe… like a god._

The absurdity of his own thoughts finally gets to Izaya and he can't hold it in anymore. He bursts out laughing.

Not giggles. Full-blown, ragged, sharp, half-mad laughter explodes into the alley and echos off the bricks surrounding them.

The boy's leap away from him like he's just pulled out a gun, but that's ridiculous. Izaya laughs even harder at their reaction, at the way his battered body aches so much worse from the strain of his laughter. It takes him a good five seconds for him to calm down enough to blink away the tears prickling the corners of his eyes and sit up to look at the - his crooked, toothy grin more bloody than usual.

“Why'd you stop?” Izaya wants to know, taunting as much as genuinely curious. “We were having so much fun.”

That sends to boys running, tossing uncreative insults at Izaya like “freak” and “disgusting, little fag.”

_Ah, I scared them away._

If sitting up was hard, standing is a nightmare. Izaya has no idea how he's going to make it home.

_At least that was a successful test-run. I’ll be much better off when it comes time to destroy the Blue Squares._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kasuka was just as popular as a child as he is today. The first time a little girl gifted him with a little bag of cookies their Mom had laughed and said:

_“Ah, she already knows the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach!”_

But that is _not_ why Shizuo got up early Monday morning to make a box lunch for Izaya. He's reminded of her words while he fills the center compartment with fluffy white rice - but he decided to do this because the only thing he's ever seen Izaya put in his mouth is boiling black coffee. Izaya is far too skinny to be skipping meals as often as he does.

So he swallows his embarrassment when Kasuka walks into the kitchen to make his own lunch. Kasuka doesn't say anything about the extra box on the counter.

 

 


	31. Liar

 

Izaya is really weird about touch.

Not that Shizuo isn't, but he thinks he has very good reason to be. One moment of irritation, one jarring thought, one unthinking muscular twitch and he could crumble bones like a soda can.

Except with Izaya, who’s confidence in Shizuo's control and quiet presence and scent makes him limp.

But as far as Shizuo knows Izaya has no reason to be so _weird_ about being touched. If Izaya was predictable about it, like preferring a certain amount of physical boundary or was really clingy that wouldn't be weird - it wouldn't puzzle Shizuo so much.

It's just that one minute Izaya is keeping his distance, then he's clinging to Shizuo like a baby animal, then he's squirming away from Shizuo as fast as possible.

Disregarding The Valentine's Day Incident in which Izaya's reaction was completely justified and Shizuo would like to permanently remove the moment from his memory, Izaya is very inconsistent and Shizuo just wants him to make up his damn mind. He's prepared to respect any sort of physical boundary Izaya wants but _if the little twerp could just fucking pick one already that would be great._

Or at the very least tell Shizuo how he's feeling at the time instead of just expecting Shizuo to read his mind.

 _Damn it…_ Shizuo sighs, loosening his nervous grip on their bento boxes as he waits for what will most likely be another exhausted Izaya. _Everyone’s been tellin’ me my whole life that girls are the confusing ones…_

_Then again, the people who say that are the same ones who've been tellin’ that guys who date other guys always act girly._

Shizuo's been trying not to pick at the corners of the bento boxes while he waits, deep in thought. As time wears on he's failing miserably from an increasingly bad feeling that sets his teeth on edge.

_Shit, why am I so anxious? It's just lunch!_

But there's something in the pit of his stomach that says something is wrong.

Then he sees Izaya walking towards him and knows for sure that something is wrong.

It's subtle, unnoticeable if Shizuo wasn't watching closely. Izaya is hunched over and walking a little different. Not at all like the cute little bookworm or the villain.

Shizuo stands in response to his arrival, taking a step closer and clutching the lunch boxes so hard that the plastic cracks. He decides to set them down on his chair for safe-keeping.

“What happened?” Shizuo blurts out the first thought that comes to mind before cursing himself.

_It's Izaya. There's no way he'll tell me anything with such a direct question._

Shizuo wishes, not for the first time, that he was more clever.

Izaya stiffens at Shizuo's question, his posture snapping upright confirming his suspicions that something is indeed wrong.

“What are you talking about?”

_Liar._

He takes another step towards him, looming over Izaya. At this distance, more details become apparent to Shizuo. Namely, the skin on the side of his face appears to be slightly darker than the rest of him. Not by much. Only slightly off.

Shizuo frowns in confusion.

“What the fuck-?”

Shizuo mumbles, grabbing Izaya's face to get a closer look and rub his thumb over the dark patch before he's cut off by Izaya crying out and jerking away.

The world is suddenly is slow motion. All the blood seems to drain out of Shizuo's body, starting with his face and rushing down leaving him is ice-cold panic.

“Fuck!” Shizuo snatches his hand away, bringing it into his chest where it can't hurt Izaya. His mind works furiously to form words over the rush of voices in his head.

_I hurt him. Oh my god I hurt him. I just wanted to- I wasn't thinking- I wasn't concentrating- I grabbed too hard- oh god what if I broke something- Oh my god I hurt him!-_

“I-Izaya, I'm so sorry!” Shizuo exclaims, voice cracking over the sounds of his heart panicking. “I didn't mean to, I- are you okay?!”

Shizuo wants to hold him, to see that Izaya's alright. But he doesn't dare touch him again.

Izaya's hunched over again, face in his hands, no doubt in agony-

“I- I’m okay, Shizu-chan! You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine.”

“How can you say that?!” Shizuo gasps between increasing shallow breaths, eye completely fixated on Izaya's small form.

“You're hurt! I grabbed too hard and… and I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm-”

Shizuo continues to babble, beginning to feel light-headed and nauseous until…

Until his wrists are grabbed my two pale hands that might as well be blown glass. Shizuo wants to jerk away from the delicate fingers that wrap around him but doesn't dare move out of fear of shattering them.

“Shhh, sshhh, Shizuo it's fine just-! Just quiet down alright?”

Shizuo tries to be as quiet as possible, but can't stop sucking in breaths so sharp they feel like blades.

“Come on.” Izaya says softly removing one of his hands from Shizuo's to grab Shizuo's stuff for him before leading Shizuo into their mutual sanctuary.

Settling into their safe space is a haze in which Shizuo allows himself to be driven by Izaya but refuses to look at him. _Can't_ look at the person he hurt whom he cares so much about. He remembers all the times he's been violent. All the times he's been intimate with bones cracking. He can't forgive himself for those times, but the thought of that happening to Izaya, especially by his hands, makes Shizuo want to vomit.

“Shizuo, relax. It's okay. I promise you didn't hurt me.” Izaya tries to console Shizuo again, draping their favorite blanket over Shizuo's shoulders. The softness and familiarity is almost enough to make Shizuo sob. But he can't. He's not supposed to cry. No matter how he feels he's supposed to be a man. He's not even the one who's hurt.

“Shizu-chan…” Izaya whispers, cupping Shizuo's face in his cool palm. Soft and nothing like Shizuo's which have become worn and calloused from years of destruction.

But still… Izaya isn't afraid. Izaya is touching him.

“Shizu-chan, look at me.”

Shizuo looks anywhere but at Izaya's face, unwilling to see the damage. Izaya's fingers tighten on Shizuo's face, digging into his cheek in a way that isn't painful - but strong.

“Shizuo.”

Shizuo finally looks at Izaya's face.

It's fine. Every part of his face is in place as it was before Shizuo put his hands on him. The slightly off-color patches are still there but there's no blood. His jaw is sharp as ever, is nose is in the center of his face where it's supposed to be, his cheekbones are high and not crumpled in.

He looks beautiful.

“But… but you…”

Izaya hesitates visibly before responding, then removes his left hand from Shizuo's face to lick his thumb.

This only makes Shizuo more confused.

Then, be rubs the wet thumb over his cheek, wincing at the contact. The dark patch of skin that he rubs smears to reveal an even darker, more ominous patch of deep, yellowing purple.

“I already had a bruise here, it's still just a little tender is all.” Izaya smiles, but it's anything but reassuring. “You weren't too rough on me, Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo swallows hard, fear still present but shifting its focus. He longs to cradle Izaya's injured face in his hands, now that he knows he was not the one who hurt him - but he refrains.

“What happened?” He repeated the question.

“Ah, just tripped down the stairs and got a bit banged up, but I'm alright. I applied ointment this morning.”

_Liar._

Shizuo's frown deepens. Slowly, carefully he raises his right hand to brush his fingertips over Izaya's cheek - as gently as he knows how. This time, Izaya doesn’t shrink away from the feather-light touch. “Why bother to try and hide it, if that's all it is?”

“I knew you'd worry.” Izaya shrugs simply.

_That part may be true but…_

_He's lying to me again._

“I see you've brought bento.” He observes casually. As if he didn't just lie to Shizuo's face about the source of such severe facial bruising that Shizuo still can't see the full extent of.

“Yeah… I want you to eat some of it."

_Why are you lying to me?_


	32. Home Cooking

 

He's pretty sure his entire abdomen is going to be purple forever with how deep the bruises are, and that at least one of his ribs is cracked, and that his body hates him. But there’s no way that Izaya can refuse what Shizuo made him. Especially after that episode. 

So when Shizuo asked him to eat Izaya opened the box. It took a bit of coaxing but eventually Shizuo agreed to let him under his favorite blanket with him so Izaya could press his shoulder against Shizuo's and share in the warmth. 

Comforting Shizuo is strange to him. He already knows Shizuo has the full range of normal emotions, and is pretty much normal in psychological terms, but it's still strange to see him look so vulnerable. The same boy who's sent his fellow students flying across campus, the same boy who pushes past teachers who confront him about his behavior or grades with a cigarette between his lips, this same boy looks like he's going to cry from making Izaya flinch. 

And that makes Izaya… strangely happy. 

He tries not to grin when Shizuo finally relaxes enough to hide his face in Izaya's shoulder, breathing hard as he always does when they're this close. It such an unexpected treat to see this side of Shizuo, and on Izaya's behalf too. Izaya was fully expecting to be berated if Shizuo noticed anything was off. He might have been if Shizuo didn't have a panic attack. Not that he wanted Shizuo to panic but…

His Shizu-chan is just so good at his core. It's in his very nature to be good. Izaya really shouldn't have expected anything else, in hindsight. Shizuo did tell him all about his trauma with that woman he had a crush on as a child. 

“Izaya… you know that I just want you to stay safe right? That I don't want… I don't want you to be in any danger.”

Izaya smiles softly down at Shizuo, although his face is hidden too deeply in Izaya's shoulder for Shizuo to see it. 

“Of course, Shizu-chan. You know me, I'd much prefer my books to any sort of trouble. This was just an accident.”

But his Shizu-chan’s goodness is also the very reason Izaya has to lie and hide so much. His good Shizu-chan wouldn't understand why Izaya has to do what he's doing. Izaya doesn't fully understand it himself. It's all because of feeling as powerful as they are nameless, feelings that Izaya thinks might be at his core.

Shizuo looks down at the bento in Izaya's lap as Izaya picks up his first bite of food. When Izaya eats, his smile melts from an empty mask into something warm and awe-struck. 

_ This is it. This meal is perfect.  _

Izaya has never enjoyed eating something so much in all his life. Eagerly, he scoops an even bigger bite onto his chopsticks. 

_ Ah, it's good. Shizu-chan is so good! _

_ I could eat Shizu-chan up forever.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That evening, Izaya forgoes Kanra and fighting for inviting Shizuo over to teach him how to cook. 

Not only was Shizu-chan unbearably cute as he flushed with pride while Izaya gushed over his skill, this should help ease Shizuo's worries. All he has to do is bribe his sisters into silence about his late-night drag trips and it should be fine. If he can learn to cook half as good as Shizuo, he swears him and his sisters are never eating instant dinners again. 

He’s got an hour for Shizuo to drop off his stuff at home and do whatever chores he’s got before heading over. It’s easy to convince Mairu and Kururi to keep quiet with the promise of a home cooked meal from their brother and his ‘future husband’ or their ‘brother-in-law.’ Apparently his reality check that same-sex couples can’t get married in Japan didn’t quite sink in. By the time Shizuo’s knocking on the door to get out of the rainy evening the girls have promised to be good and stay quiet, he’s glad they believed him when he said the cross-dressing was supposed to be a surprise for Shizuo. Now they’re all excited about being in on the secret but won’t shut up about having ‘Shizuo-nii’ spend the night.

Izaya’s considering the idea himself. It is awfully rainy outside…

Izaya opens the door with a towel ready and Shizuo apologizes for being wet as he steps inside, visibly surprised when Izaya drapes the towel over his shoulders. Then Mairu and Kururi come running with their own towels to give to Shizuo and surprise leaves his face in favor of laughter.

With three towels over Shizuo’s shoulders and his sister’s shooed back into the kitchen Izaya can formally invite Shizuo inside.

“You’re so lucky to have such young sisters…” Shizuo says quietly as they walk inside. “I’m not that much older than Kasuka so I never got to properly enjoy him being so little. They’re so cute.”

The softness in Shizuo’s expression is far too sweet and his words make him sound far too perfect to have a family with and Izaya is not comfortable with that. He’s not ready to have a family and the idea that Shizuo might leave him for someone who he can actually have children with is too real of a fear for him to think about right now.

“Oh my, Shizuo… Maybe I shouldn’t let you around my sisters after all.” Izaya gasps, raising a mocking hand to his mouth in shock.

“Huh? Why?”

“I had no idea you had a sibling lolita complex. How obscene!” 

“Oh, shut up!” Shizuo scoffs, giving Izaya an affectionate shove. “That’s not funny.”

Shizuo’s mostly dry when they get to the kitchen and the girls agree to take the damp towels to the laundry room with the promise of being allowed to help cook.

“My kitchen is yours.” Izaya drawls, leaning against the counter. “Feel free to use whatever’s here. I hope we have enough ingredients to make something.”

Shizuo takes a quick look through the fridge and the cupboards, considering some recipes he must already have in his head. For all the things Izaya has memorized, he does not have recipes.

“Hmm... How about some Oyakodon? Unless you were planning on using that chicken for something else?”

Izaya rolls his eyes, as much at Shizuo’s incessant consideration as much as his own neglect for meal preparation. He didn’t even know he had meat in there that was still good. “That sounds fine.”

“Great. This is an easy one and it only takes about twenty minutes…” Shizuo starts grabbing ingredients and placing them on the counter. “... Maybe thirty if you’re learning… Or forty with your sisters.”

Izaya gives him an affectionate shove back when the eggs are safely on the counter that he’s pretty sure Shizuo only stumbles from to be a good sport.

True to Shizuo’s word, it is pretty easy, even while trying to find things to let the twins help with. Izaya’s never seen anyone cut an onion as fast or as consistently sized in his life, not that he’s ever seen anyone cook but he’s pretty sure it’s still impressive, and he had no idea Mairu and Kururi would get so excited over being allowed to help beat some eggs.

While Shizuo and the girls set the table, Mairu and Kururi insisting on displaying what they made in art class that day as centerpieces, Izaya gets a head start on the dishes. He keeps his head down and firmly refuses to look at the scene. Just hearing it is almost too much for him. It fills his heart up with so many conflicting emotions. Happiness is in there, and melancholy, and insecurity, and  _ want _ and… Izaya decides to stop thinking about it.  

It’s not picture perfect, but there are four portions of home-cooked, family-made Oyakodon over rice on the table and a flashy centerpiece of grade school finger paintings and Shizuo and with his baby sisters who aren’t sitting next to each other in Izaya doesn’t know how long so they can sit on either side of Shizuo.

It feels like so much, and it hurts, and Izaya doesn’t know if he can keep hurting so much.

But the three of them are smiling so bright and when Izaya joins them his house feels more like a home.

The food’s not as good as what Shizuo made for lunch, but it’s the best thing Izaya’s ever made. The girls love it and brag about how good they were at helping. Shizuo seems happy too. Izaya thinks that he’s probably a little better when he’s with Shizuo for a lot of reasons.

By the time it’s all over the twins are begging Shizuo to stay.  _ Just a bit longer? _ They beg.  _ Just for a bedtime story. _ It might be the lonely child in Izaya, or maybe it’s the loner with a crush, or maybe it’s the vixen with prey, or maybe it’s all of them - but Izaya wants to beg Shizuo to stay too. He keeps his mouth shut and lets the girls do it.

After a glance at Izaya for approval, as if that were necessary, Shizuo agrees to stay for a story if the girls help with the dishes.

Izaya doesn’t even remember what book he read to his sisters that evening. All he remembers is sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with Shizuo as they read different parts for different characters.

And when the girls are tucked in with the lights out and a glass of water on their bedside table Izaya doesn’t know which side of him grabs Shizuo’s shoulder in the dim hallway and whispers.

“Spend the night?”

“It’s raining pretty hard.”

“And it’s no different than our naps in the closet together.”

“We have and extra toothbrush.”

Izaya doesn’t know which part of Shizuo agrees, but he doesn’t care because Shizuo is pulling up Izaya’s biggest pair of sweatpants which fall to his mid-shins and taking off his shirt and getting into Izaya’s bed.

It really isn’t different from their naps in the closet with the way Shizuo’s large body curls around his own from behind, the way Shizuo’s bicep becomes Izaya’s pillow, the way Shizuo buries his face into Izaya’s hair and breathes deep.

But it’s very different the way Shizuo consciously pulls Izaya’s body flush to the heat radiating off of the bare skin of his chest, the way they tangle their legs together while they’re both awake, the way Izaya holds Shizuo’s free hand in his own, and the way Shizuo kisses his cheek.

Tonight, Izaya spends the night at home as himself falls asleep to the sounds of Shizuo’s heartbeat and the rain on the windows.

 


	33. Elusive Girl

 

Naturally, Shizuo is nervous when he follows Izaya up to his room that night. He doesn't know what possessed him to agree to it. The Shizuo of yesterday would have run from the very idea. Just sleeping in the closet with Izaya was a disaster last time, why the fuck would it be anything but worse in Izaya's bed.

But it's too late to back out. He's already sent a text to Kasuka who's told him to be safe, much to his horror and denial of _that_ happening.

What he should be doing right now is scanning the area for clues about what kind of trouble Izaya's been getting into. Not _snooping_ or going through his stuff, of course. Just seeing what the room can tell him. In detective shows the hero can always see clues in an ordinary room.

But Shizuo can't… he can't _focus._

That warm, bitter smell is saturating the air and coming off Izaya's pillows so thick Shizuo can taste it on the air while he sits on Izaya's bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. The temptation is there, to lean over and press his face into the plush fabric Izaya presses his face into every night and is probably only washed monthly… His mouth salivates at the thought and Shizuo wonders, once again, what the fuck is wrong with him. He must be crazy to be in such a beautiful person’s bed and be fantasizing about sniffing his unwashed pillow like a pervert.

_But… it would smell so fucking good… maybe just a little bit? Just really quick before Izaya gets back._

And just as Shizuo's about to give in and fuck himself by getting lost in Izaya's pillows Izaya steps out of the bathroom.

Izaya wearing a gray hoodie and very short, black shorts.

And that's how Shizuo finds yet another part of Izaya to obsess over. He's never really noticed them before because of the loose fitting school pants but Izaya's legs give him a new fetish right then and there.

“Let me find you some sweatpants,” Izaya says quietly, easily, like he doesn't notice the obvious implications of the situation. And maybe he doesn't. Izaya has never really seemed… well… like he's interested in anything other than books and terrorizing students in secret. His seduction is most likely all in Shizuo's head because he's a dirty, pillow-sniffing pervert.

Izaya turns to riffle through his dresser for a pair of pants that might fit while Shizuo just stares at his legs. Then Izaya bends over checking even deeper into the drawer and the shorts ride up just a little bit and Shizuo is feeling very attacked. His nemesis is a master of psychological warfare.

_Fuck, Izaya's supposed to be some nerdy loner but… how does he not have guys on him all the time?!_

Shizuo knows now that he's always wanted Izaya all to himself, from the moment he was a faceless villain, and the more Shizuo gets to know him the more he wants him. Right now, Shizuo's not even sure he wants to introduce Izaya to his friends because how is he going to keep any guy, straight or otherwise, off of Izaya?

_Focus, Shizuo! Focus!_

Izaya turns back to Shizuo with a pair of gray sweatpants bunched in his arms just as Shizuo is blinking back into focus and wrenching his eyes up to Izaya's.

“I hope these will fit. Not exactly tree-sized like you but I think they'll be okay.”

“Thanks.”

Its Shizuo's turn to change in the bathroom as they've had a silent agreement that no. This is not the same as changing for gym in the locker room.

He takes the sweatpants and it starting to feel calm again. Maybe he's getting used to it. Or just accepting his fate. Or too exhausted from the stressful day to have the energy to be nervous anymore. When the bathroom door closes behind him he allows himself five full seconds to close his eyes, breathe and relax.

He steps into the center of the clean bathroom and drops the sweatpants on the edge of the sink. He undoes his belt and pants to push them off of his legs, looks up once to grab the sweatpants and notices it.

It's small, but it stands out on the clean white of the sink. It's a smear of black, no bigger than his thumbnail. Shizuo leans in for a closer look, sweatpants still in hand. It's like some sort of… thick goo. For a moment, Shizuo can't think of what it is.

Then he realizes what it is. It looks just like the smears his mom would leave on the sink in a rush to get to a job interview. It's makeup.

Shizuo knows that Izaya used makeup to conceal his mysterious bruises, but this is black. Like eyeliner or, or… _what's the thing for eyelashes?_ Mascara. He doesn't know which it is, only that it's not for covering skin. Izaya is a very clean person, so there's no way it's as old as having been left here since the last time his mother was home. So it must be Izaya's but…

_Why does Izaya have this kind of makeup… His sisters seem young for it but… maybe?_

Shizuo knows he shouldn't snoop. Told himself he wouldn't snoop. He roots through the cabinets anyway.

In the medicine cabinet, Shizuo finds some ointment, a half-empty bottle of aspirin, floss, some loose bandages…

In the cabinet below the sink, Shizuo finds some cleaning supplies, boxes of soap bars, extra toothpaste, nothing interesting… except a plastic bag peeking out from behind the extra toilet paper.

Shizuo knows he shouldn’t, but damn it Detective Heiwajima might finally be onto something for once. He pulls the plastic sandwich bag out as carefully as he can so he doesn’t disrupt the other items in the cabinet, certain that if anything moves, even a millimeter, Izaya will notice.

Inside the slightly smudged bag is an eyeliner pencil, mascara, two tubes of lipstick, and some containers of skin-color makeup. It’s definitely not kids makeup, and if it’s not for Mairu and Kururi...

_What the hell…_

“Shizuo? Did you get lost? Follow the sound of my voice!”

 _Shitshitshit!_ Shizuo quickly, carefully, puts the bag back exactly where he found it, heart leaping into his throat at the possibility of being caught going through Izaya’s bathroom.

“Ha ha, very funny.” Shizuo manages to sound far more put-together than he feels as he jumps into the sweatpants. They fit, enough. They’re just short, ending halfway down his calves.

Shizuo opens the door, hoping he doesn’t look as freaked out as he feels. Thankfully, his expression doesn’t matter because Izaya is looking at his legs, making Shizuo instantly self-conscious about the way he feels about Izaya’s legs. Izaya’s an observant guy, surely he noticed Shizuo checking his legs out. He’s about to pick on Shizuo for-

Izaya snorts.

“Definitely not tree-sized. I can’t believe I never noticed this before but you’re at least seventy percent legs.”

Shizuo flushes.

“Shut up. At least I’m not made of twigs.”

Izaya waves him off casually, turning to walk back towards his bed.

“I look good thin. Besides, you’re skinnier than you have any right to be considering how strong you are. Deception really doesn’t suit you.”

Shizuo follows Izaya, too busy thinking of a comeback to worry that every step closer to Izaya’s bed is a step closer to being in that bed. Sharing that bed with Izaya and laying on those pillows and being so close to those legs.

Then Izaya stops, just before the bed, and looks over his shoulder at Shizuo. His chin is dipped down, hiding behind the line of his shoulder and his eyes are hidden by glasses which slip down the bridge of his nose just a bit when Izaya parts his lips, ever so slightly to speak - completely derailing Shizuo’s train of thought.

“I don’t have any shirt that’s going to fit you…” Izaya says, almost too quietly for Shizuo to hear. Izaya’s eyes drag across the line of Shizuo’s shoulders, so obviously drinking in Shizuo’s broad upper body that even Shizuo couldn’t miss it. “It won’t be comfortable to sleep in that button-up. Take it off and come to bed.”

And all at once the reality of the situation is crashing down on Shizuo again. Shizuo forgets about the makeup and the bruises and Izaya’s lack of sleep. Izaya’s gaze is heavy. So heavy he feels as though it should paralyze him. Except it doesn’t, it commands him. Without thinking, without a word, Shizuo does exactly as Izaya tells him to like he’s in a trance.

Everything is quiet except the sounds of the rain pattering on the windows, calming him like the ticking of a metronome for hypnosis as Shizuo gets into bed alongside Izaya and Shizuo’s last thought is that perhaps Izaya isn’t an ordinary villain at all, but a super villain with power in his strange, alluring gaze. Then, Shizuo’s head hits the pillows and Shizuo’s mind is blank.

 

…

….

……

 

It’s still dark when Shizuo opens his eyes with pain pounding through his veins and he doesn’t know why. He lays very still as his eyes dart around the room. Izaya is still in his arms, every corner is empty, it’s quiet except for the rain. So what’s wrong?

He closes his eyes, staying very still and very quiet - willing for more sleep. It’s so warm.

But he can’t sleep. His adrenaline is pumping and every cell in his body is on high alert.

As carefully as possible he untangles himself from Izaya, his feet, and ankles dragging over Izaya’s stubbly legs as he pulls away… _Wait, stubble?_

Shizuo didn’t notice when he got into bed last night but Izaya’s legs aren’t hairy like his own like he expected them to be. They’re covered in stubble. As if the hair had been shaved recently and was starting to grow back in. Shizuo gulps, remembering the makeup he found earlier.

_Okay, so he’s got makeup and shaved his legs a day or two ago. That’s weird but it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the bruises. I can handle Izaya wanting to crossdress. That’s okay. Anything that’s not some sort of dangerous plot is okay._

While this is true, Shizuo’s gut is telling him otherwise, and Shizuo’s gut has never been wrong before.

Once Shizuo’s out of the bed he bunches up the covers behind Izaya, trying to make a solid sort of mass to substitute for him. Judging by the way Izaya’s face scrunches and the whine he lets out, it’s a poor substitute. Shizuo’s heart clenches at the sight but Izaya’s still sleeping and that’s what matters. No point in waking Izaya from much-needed rest unless there’s an actual emergency. He walks around the room, trying to figure out what’s making him so uneasy. As he gets closer to the window, he hears something that might explain it. The muffled voices of two boys arguing. Out at this time of night?

Shizuo goes to the window and peeks through the blinds to see a couple of teens walking down the street. Both of them are in blue. Just like that gang that jumped him. Shizuo frowns and presses his ear to the window to try and hear what they’re saying. If he concentrates, he can hear most of it.

“-bet she’s just tired of you.”

“No way, man. She’s different…-special. Her old man’s just trying to keep us apart...-right place…-sure you saw her come this way?”

“Yeah, didn’t see which house. If you two are so special then why don’t you have her number?”

“Her dad’s a total control freak…- no privacy…- two days…”

That’s all Shizuo can hear before they’re too far down the street.

Shizuo has no idea what that was about, but it sounds like some stupid soap opera and he wants no part of it

 _Elusive girl on this street, huh? What if…_ Shizuo almost laughs out loud at his own thoughts.

_Nah, that would be crazy._

 

 


	34. I'll Never Talk, Pig!

 

The following week, Izaya is missing from school.

The first thing Shizuo does is try not to panic. He tries to think rationally about why this might be the case, but every possibility that comes to mind is worse than the last. 

_ Izaya's just sick. Or maybe his sisters are sick.  _

_ Izaya is bored of him and no longer cares to associate with Shizuo.  _

_ Something happened to Izaya. _

When lunchtime rolls around Shizuo had been to none of his classes. He's just spent the whole day in the closet, curled around Izaya's blanket and sick with worry, remembering the bruises over and over again. 

Shizuo does not manage to spend the whole day in school. After lunch, he runs to Izaya's house.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Izaya can't wait anymore. 

He wants to end this now. He wants to end the Blue Squares and just pour everything he has into Shizuo. He doesn't want to be Kanra anymore. So, he speeds up the plan with the help of a little catalyst and plants the seeds of the idea to turn common items such as bottles of perfume and air freshener into flamethrowers. Not the safest, or most effective weapon. But exciting and “badass” enough to make the boys eager to put into action. Just enough to make them hurry the fuck up and flex their muscles against the police already. 

But the police won't being doing all the work for Izaya. No, that wouldn't be fun enough. Izaya wants to be sure Ran Izumi suffers personally. He trembles with excitement on the way to the Blue Square's hideout just imagining the power surge of having a gang leader suffer at his hands. If Nakura was fun, Izumi is going to be incredible. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Shizuo rushes straight to Izaya’s house first. When he knocks, he’s met with silence. He looks through the window and no one’s home.

That’s… no reason to panic yet, right?

He decides the best way to calm down is to go home and bake. That usually helps and he can use it as an excuse to drop by later. Shizuo’s not sure what the girls will like but cupcakes are always a safe bet.

  
  
  
  
  


The Blue Squares are all skipping school today and hoping to catch the police off-guard. Izaya’s not really sure what they hope to accomplish, Kanra didn’t really suggest a goal, but the Blue Squares want to prove that they’re dangerous and fearless. Picking fights with Shizuo is good and all, but they want to show they’re not scared of anyone.

Izaya wonders, if the police attack doesn’t work out in his favor if he could convince them to step on the toes of the yakuza? That one’s probably a stretch…

The warehouse is full of boys who are far too young, stupid, and dangerous to be playing the games they are. They’re building amateur weapons, some of them formidable and other so flashy and impractical Izaya almost laughs. Trying to fight with an actual  _ chain _ is ridiculous. Just something that happens in movies.

Akihito specifically asked Kanra to stay away from the Square’s today as he’s not quite as full of false bravado as some of the others. He’s not as afraid as some of the others, mostly because he thinks Izumii is enough of a violent psycho to get them through this, but he’s cautious. Kanra’s almost touched by this.

But she comes anyway with the promise to hide in the warehouse until it’s all over and Akihito comes back. Despite him telling her to stay away, he’s ecstatic to see her. He really believes this is a sigh Kanra loves him too.

… Well, at least Kanra’s not lying about staying in the warehouse. Izaya has work to do in there.

That evening, the Blue Squares go off to war and most of them won’t be coming back. Anyone who does is going to wish they didn’t.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Shizuo manages to wait until he sees all the elementary schoolers on his street arriving home to go back to the Orihara’s with a box of undecorated vanilla cupcakes and supplies to decorate them with. Izaya’s got to be home for his sister, surely. He can surprise them with this. What kids don’t like decorating their own cupcakes?

He’ll knock on the door, Izaya will answer it with the twins close behind. Izaya will make fun of him and the four of them will decorate cupcakes and… And it will be perfect. Izaya’s bruises were just from an embarrassing moment of clumsiness and he secretly has makeup because he likes it and that’s just fine with Shizuo.

He doesn’t believe himself. He practically runs to the Orihara house.

It’s quiet again this time… Then Shizuo hears some shuffling… Then the curtains of the window by the front door shift the tiniest bit to allow a wide eye to peek through.

Then the door flies open and the girls jump at him.

“Shizuo-nii!”

Shizuo feels a bit relieved when he sees them perfectly safe, but where’s Izaya?

When he kneels to ruffle their hair he notices the taser in Kururi’s hand and his brain short-circuits a bit.

“Hey you two, I brought… something… Where’s your brother?”

“Whatdja bring! Whatdja bring?!” Mairu asks excitedly, bouncing up and down. It’s Kururi who seems like she’s going to be helpful.

“Izaya-niichan… gone…”

Shizuo’s blood runs cold. He turns his attention to Kururi completely.

“What do you mean?”

Kururi draws into herself, apparently a little startled with Shizuo staring at her so intently, desperate for more information. Mairu, on the other hand, grabs onto Shizuo to get his attention back - not happy with being ignored.

“Izaya-niichan usually only leaves us at night but this time he left during the day! He’s not usually gone this long!” Mairu explains loudly. Shizuo gets paler with every word. “Really irresponsible, right? You should just be our big brother instead!”

Shizuo swallows hard, his throat feels like sandpaper. “Did… did he say where he was going? Or why?”

Both the girls get really quiet and look at each other to share a silent conversation. Kururi looks down and Mairu fidgets a bit. They definitely know something.

“Izaya-niichan… told us not to tell…” Kururi mumbles.

“Yeah, he said it was a surprise for you!” Mairu adds.

_ Oh hell no. _ Whatever’s really going on here, there’s no chance Izaya’s leaving his sisters alone nightly for something simple or wholesome. Shizuo takes a deep, calming breath and thinks through his next words carefully. He doesn’t want to frighten Mairu and Kururi.

“I think… I… Izaya said that he wanted me to come over today, so he should be back by now. He said he was going to show me the surprise.” Shizuo doesn’t mind telling a white lie for the sake of this family. “Do you have any idea where he is?”

…..

The girls' faces make it obvious they don’t believe him.

“L-Look…” Shizuo sighs, resigned to be more truthful. Damn Izaya for bringing up clever girls. “I’m worried about Izaya, he’s been acting weird lately. I know he asked you to keep it secret but… His safety is more important.”

The girls’ eyes widen and Shizuo’s worried he freaked them out. He’s wracking his brain for something that could calm them down, something to say to get them to tell him what they know and stay calm and-

They smile and Mairu bounces on her toes in excitement.

“So… cool…”

“Yeah! Wow, Shizuo-nii, you’re just like the rugged cop with a heart of gold on The Underbelly of Tokyo!”

Shizuo is taken completely aback.  _ They’re way too young to be watching a show like that! Izaya- Ugh! Never mind that. Later. After I save his ass. _

Shizuo assumes the role they’re referencing, maybe if they treat it more like a game it’ll be easier. “Uh… Yeah. Can you two help me solve the case? Anything you know could be helpful.”

“I’ll never talk, pig!” Mairu cheers.

“I want to be… partner.”

“Oh, no fair! I want to be Shizuo’s partner!”

Shizuo cracks. “You can both be my partner! Now help me solve the case, we don’t have much time. The bad guys could be getting away.”

The girls gasp.

“Izaya-niichan goes out at night dressed like a pretty girl but want to pretend to be our sister during the day!” Mairu shouts, her hand raised.

“Izaya-niichan… keeps a notebook…”

“Yeah, he told us not to but we read it anyway and it’s all about you!”

“But the end…”

“But towards the end, it’s about some gang Izaya-niichan has been spending time with! The… the Blue…”

“Squares.”

Shizuo feels light-headed. He still doesn’t really know what’s going on, but he’s pretty damn sure if he finds that gang that jumped him a few weeks ago, he’ll find Izaya. He needs to go. Now. But he can’t leave Mairu and Kururi. He thinks fast.

“Good work… the… Uh, the chief of police needs you two back at the station.”

He can ask Kasuka to watch them.

The girls protest at first, wanting to catch the bad guys with Shizuo, but he manages to convince them when he tells them they can make a new crime scene out of the cupcakes, or some evidence or whatever. And when he promises to carry them both all the way to the “police station” to meet his brother ‘the chief.” He runs back to his house and Mairu makes siren noises the whole way.

Shizuo practically kicks the door open, tosses the girls on the couch, and explains as fast as he can to a bewildered Kasuka.

“Izaya… In trouble. His sister… Watch them, okay? Heres cupcakes, make a crime scene, I’ll be back soon, you’re the police chief.”

Somehow, Kasuka gets it. At least, he nods, and that’s good enough for Shizuo right now.

“Everything will be okay.”

Shizuo hopes so. He doesn’t know where Izaya is, but he knows how he’s going to find him. The same way he always does. The stench of cyanide.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ I will always be hungry, _

_ I must always be fed, _

_ The finger I touch, _

_ Will soon turn red. _

 


	35. Lavender and Rosemary Perfume

 

Unconsciously, Izaya slips into humming the tune of a lullaby he used to sing to his sisters when they were babies and damn near inconsolable. Now that they’re toddlers they’re only slightly easier to put to bed. He certainly doesn’t miss having to take care of two babies. Even in those days when his parents came home every evening, they were always so late. They usually didn’t get home until after he managed to convince the girls to eat their dinner and spent hours rocking and singing them to sleep.

He doesn’t miss having babies, but he’s willing to bet Shizuo would have loved to be around for that. He’s a sap like that. Shizuo probably would’ve been too scared to hold them, and that was the most challenging part. Izaya was younger back then, too small to safely hold two babies at the same time and the girls were always very demanding of getting equal attention.

But Mairu and Kururi are growing up fast, and pretty soon, they’re not going to need him.

Izaya slows the pace of his lullaby, playing with the pitch of random notes while he tosses poorly organized files of gambling records the Blue Squares kept stashed in some cardboard box behind the once locked door of Ran Izumii's private room out the second-floor window of the warehouse to flutter off into the night. Out for anyone to see and hopefully far enough away from the destruction of this place. Chances are he’s not going to be able to just walk out of here with that box directly to the police station. Not if he wants to have more fun tonight.

He shifts his weight from his center to his left hip, swaying like Kanra back into Izumii's private room and pitching his voice up like Kanra while he hums the next few bars. Just to see what she sounds like when she sings it.

She’s horribly off-key.

Izaya searches every nook and cranny of the room, searching for anything that might devastate this gang or their leader, anything at all.

And under the grimy couch, he finds the perfect thing.

A shoebox full of photos of girls. Unconcious girls. Unconscious, naked girls sprawled out on this very couch. It’s perfect. He doesn’t throw these into the wind. These, he stuffs into his bra for safe keeping.

He laughs at the absurdity of stuffing anything into his bra and starts the lullaby over, humming louder and faster while he jumps up onto the couch to kick all the cushions off. Just in case there’s something underneath. But also because it’s fun.

There’s nothing under the cushions except some stray dollars and crumbled empty chip bags.

He slashes open the cushions and pillows with the four-inch kitchen knife he brought and inside there’s yellowed stuffing and two stacks of yen that were never mentioned in the Blue Square’s amateur record keeping. He tosses it all into the wind, giggling as the icy air burns his face and lungs and almost steals his wig. He throws his hands up in the air, laughing, and twirls away from the window back into the warehouse.

Everything is in order down on the main floor of the warehouse. Now all Izaya has to do triple check for anything else incriminating and wait for Izumii Ran’s retreat from the police station when his gang is on the brink of extinction. He picks up one of the slashed cushions from the floor, places it on the center of the couch, sits, and waits.

_I will always be hungry._

Izaya idly wonders if Shizuo will ever find out about this. He's bound to notice not being attacked by this gang anymore, but will he hear any rumors? And if he does, what will he hear? Rumors are a funny thing. Even if Izaya had a rumor ready to spread about the fall of the Squares the moment it traveled from one mouth into another’s ear it would change. It's almost as though rumors are alive. Like children, they take on the influence of everyone they come into contact with.

Izaya wonders if he should think of some rumor to start as an explanation for what's about to happen. Some kind of message to keep the other gangs away from his Shizu-chan. But the truth is, there's no point in trying to plan for that sort of thing. Humans will make what they want of this and anything he does try to say about Shizuo will only bring more negative attention to him.

_I must always be fed._

Shizuo might have been Izaya's reason for starting this, but now Shizuo's only a small part of it. Izaya knows a gang like the Blue Squares has no chance of really hurting Shizu-chan. But like a rumor, this desire to exercise his power has grown into its own beast. Izaya's been bored. And there's only so far books can take him. He spoke to Shizuo through the bookcase that day for a change. Ever since he's had a taste for change it's become a craving, an addiction, there's no backing out of this. Izaya has to evolve now. Evolve or die.

It thrills him.

_The finger I touch._

The front door to the warehouse creeks open and someone walks in. The multiple footsteps are heavy and accompanied by a heavy drag across the concrete.

Izumii’s sledgehammer.

Izaya stands and walks silently to the doorway of Izumii’s private room. He'd left it open on purpose. It leads out to a metal platform overlooking the ground floor of the warehouse and has one set of stairs to get down.

“Haha! My asshole brother was right! We can’t trust Akihito’s new squeeze after all.” Izumii laughs when he sees Kanra in the open doorway to his once locked room.

“I didn’t believe it at first. A scrawny chick who was hanging with Akihito and not me? What kinda dumbass sabotage plan is that?” The hammer drags across the concrete with a loud screech as it’s quickly pulled up and tossed over his shoulder. The four boys with him laugh. Akihito is not one of them. Fifteen boys went to battle, five made it home, but they’ll all be arrested soon enough.

“You make it sound like your brother’s the one really running the show, although I wouldn’t be surprised. Most children could outsmart you.” Kanra teases, grabbing the rusted railing overlooking the main floor with both hands. The metal is shockingly cold on her hot skins, adrenaline pumping even the tips of her fingers into trembles of excitement.

“Listen, bitch.” Izumii sneers. “Before I break your legs and let my boys have some fun with ya I gotta know: What’s your angle here? I don’t recognize you, so what the fuck is your problem with me? You some slut’s sister lookin’ for revenge?”

A dam of tension breaks inside of Izaya and he doubles over with laughter. He laughs and laughs and judging by the Blue Square’s faces he’s been laughing for far too long before the answer comes out in a rush between breathless giggles.

“Aahah...ha...hehe… Oh, no. Nothing quite so noble.”

Izaya stands tall and squares his shoulders. He lets his hands fall from the railing and slowly holds them outstretched on either side of his body. His palms and chin are tilted up as though he could fly away and is only tethered to the Earth by looking down his nose at the crowd.

_Will soon turn red._

Kanra doesn’t need to exist. Izaya doesn’t need to do this. Nothing is forcing him to be like this.

“I’m doing this because I want to.”

The truth comes out of Izaya’s mouth, and it’s liberating.

Kanra pulls the stuffing out of her bra, a tattered old sock damped with a lavender and rosemary perfume. Izaya lights it.

 

 

 

 

_“Shizu-chan, I’m curious…” Izaya asked one morning in their closet after checking Shizuo’s math homework in record time._

_“That’s frightening.”_

_“Don’t be mean.” Izaya pouted, shoving Shizuo playfully who wasn’t prepared enough to play along and let himself be moved. “This is a serious question.”_

_That did not reassure Shizuo._

_“Why did you want to be a police officer or detective?”_

_Shizuo stiffened and looked away awkwardly. He felt strange about how out of the blue the question was._

_“I was just a kid.” Shizuo shrugged. He hopped Izaya wasn’t planning to pick his brain, but he knew that was inevitable._

_“I know, but what did you like about the idea?”_

_“I don’t know…” Shizuo grumbled and leaned back against the wall. “Same as any other kid, I guess. Wanted to catch the bad guys.”_

_Izaya tipped sideways and leaned against Shizuo’s shoulder. He looked directly at Shizuo’s face._

_“You wanted to be a hero.”_

_“I mean… I guess… Can you just get to the point? Clearly, you have somethin’ ya say…”_

_Izaya threaded his fingers through the hair on the back of Shizuo’s head, toying with the blonde locks as his tone began to slip into that dark place._

_“My point is you can still be a hero… in different ways.”_

_“I know. I told you, I was a kid.”_

_Izaya shifted towards Shizuo’s back to drape himself over it. “Mm, please, Shizu-chan… You and I both know you’re still hoping you’ve got that option, despite your history of violence.”_

_Shizuo shrugged Izaya off. “Shut up.”_

_Izaya bounced right back with his hands pressed to Izaya’s shoulder blades. “I’m not making fun of you, I’m being serious._

_You always look at the world like it’s black and white, but want everyone else to treat you like you’re in shades of gray. Start treating the world like it’s in shades of gray. Like me.”_

_Shizuo itched for a cigarette. “That from some poem you wrote in middle school or some shit?”_

_He remained looking hard at the wall, his eyes were fixated on the tiny peephole Izaya had made who knows how long ago to spy on the world outside of this little space._

_“Telling me to do anything like you makes me want to avoid that thing at all costs.”_

_Izaya blew a hot breath into Shizuo’s back between his shoulder blades to make sure Shizuo knew he was pouting. “So mean…”_

_He wrapped his arms around Shizuo’s waist and rested his cheek on Shizuo’s back, his legs stretched out on either side of Shizuo’s._

_“All I’m saying is, being a cop wouldn’t make you everyone’s hero. Some people would never turn to the police for help, no matter how much they needed them. So be your own hero. Outside of the system who won’t understand your spectacular strength.”_

_“Are you telling me to be a vigilante or do your dirty work?”_

_“Always so suspicious of me…”_

_“You don’t get it, Izaya. I know the police force is flawed.”_

_“Then why do you want to be a part of it?”_

_“Because…_

_Because being accepted into the system would mean I finally did it. I finally got strong enough to control myself to face danger like a regular person.”_

_“Hmm… How boring…”_

Shizuo is not a good person. Not to everyone, anyway. That’s impossible. But Shizuo doesn’t care, as long as he can be a good person for who he cares about. If protecting his friends, family, and what he thinks is right means he’s a villain for the rest of the world that’s fine. That’s the most anyone can do.

_“Shizuo! Haven’t seen you in awhile, man!” Kadota and Tom caught him on his way home from school with a wave._

_“Oh, hey Kadota. Yeah, I’ve been busy with… A lot.”_

_Tom and Kadota exchanged nervous glances as they searched each other for a way to say something which caused a nervous sweat to tingle the back of Shizuo’s neck. It was Tom who spoke first._

_“Listen, Shizuo… We’re worried about you. We haven’t seen you in weeks and… Well, it’s pretty obvious you’re seeing somebody.”_

_Shizuo swallowed hard._

_“... What about it?”_

_Kadota jumped in. “We’re happy for you if you’re happy but… Well… It’s a bit weird we haven’t met…”_

_“Them.”_

_Tom’s use of a gender-neutral pronoun was not lost on Shizuo. He didn’t correct them, but it sent a wave of relief over him. It meant that they had considered the possibility that Shizuo was hiding because he wasn’t with a girl. Shizuo had never expected them to guess but found it put him at ease. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and relaxed. These really were his friends._

_“I know I’ve been weird lately and I’m really sorry about that.” All of the defensiveness in his posture and voice had drained out of his body with that breath and left him open and honest. Just like old times. “I don’t mean to shut you guys out and I promise I’m not going crazy and lettin’ this person take over my life or some shit. There’s just… been a lot going in. But I’m taking care of it.”_

_Shizuo took a deep breath in and prepared himself to make a promise he’d need to be ready to keep._

_“If everything works out we’ll all have lunch on the roof together soon so you can meet them.”_

_Kadota seemed to relax immediately but Tom didn’t look quite as satisfied._

_“If everything works out?... What if it doesn’t work out?”_

Shizuo never considered himself an optimistic person before, but right now, he needs to be. Things will work out. Everything is going to be okay. It needs to me.

He chases Izaya’s scent through a maze of alleyways with no idea where he’s going. He runs deeper and deeper into the darker parts of the city without a second thought. Everything is physically darker. Half the street lights are dim and flickering and a good portion of the buildings are hardly lit at all. But he keeps running, chasing the faint smell of cyanide until it’s taken over…

By _fire._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever! Thank you all for your patience!


	36. Sending a Message

 

The fire doesn't spread as fast as Izaya was hoping, but that's alright. He's not actually trying to burn the Blue Squares to death. Just scare them. The character for ‘family’ he painted out across the concrete floor in gasoline is illegible, unfortunately, but his expectations weren't that high.

The important thing is that the Blue Squares scatter to avoid the flames. Most of them run, which is good. Izaya didn't block the exit with fire on purpose. It might spread there eventually, but those who wanted to abandon their leader’s pointless cause out of fear of a painful death had the option. Now it's just Izaya, Izumii, and two of the undoubtedly stupider members left in the warehouse.

Izumii shouts profanity at the boys who run but can't stop them. Not unless he wants Izaya to escape with all his bones intact. He rounds on Izaya quickly screaming his rage and running to the base of the blocked stairs with his pair of idiots. The blockade won't hold them for long, it's only made of the furniture around the hideout. Izaya only put it together to keep them from charging him immediately. He needed to make sure they stayed down there long enough to see the light show Izaya took the time to make for them.

“I'm gonna KILL YOU, ASSHOLE!” Izumii roars as his battle cry, tossing aside couches and tables with the help of his goons.

This next trap is very reminiscent of his childhood.

Well, not exactly, his house doesn't have all the useful, exposed pipes on the ceiling like the warehouse does, but it's close. When he first designed it as a child he thought of it more along the lines of a slapstick comedy prank. Now he knows just how dangerous it is.

Just as the boys are vaulting over the last chair lzaya acts. He knows the timing for this will be close, but he's done it before. He throws a short, loose pipe he removed earlier, but not at the Blue Squares. They all duck, thinking he was aiming for them, and just as they right themselves with triumphant grins, a pile of loosened pipe-work collapses from the ceiling.

The boys look up to the sounds of metal scraping together and air whistling through hollow, three centimeter wide pipes falling from the ceiling. Just before any of them are hit in the head they cover themselves with their arms and crouch down. They cry out in pain and anger as five pipes collide with their arms and upper back.

Izumii seems to be more angry than in pain. He roars like the child of a beast and shakes off the blossom of bruises on his upper back and charges up the stairs with his lackeys close behind.

As much as Izaya's enjoying the show, he really needs to get moving.

He doesn't let himself think about it when he looks out over the patches of fire dying out on the concrete. Occasionally it flares up when it catches on a junk-yard rug or a patchy bean-bag chair. But without enough fuel, it's going to die. The character Izaya meticulously painted is completely lost. Just like the Blue Squares’ family. And maybe…

He doesn't think about the 10-foot drop when his hand grabs the metal guard rail and his foot braces against it. This is just physics. He only thinks that he has to stay loose. He needs to keep his legs bent. His weight lurches forward just as fear grips his throat, but it's too late. He can't change his mind now.

He jumps just as Izumii’s hammer comes down on the metal platform where Izaya was standing with a horrible crash.

Izaya can hear the metal screech behind him and the rattle of the old bolts struggling against the force of Izumii's hammer, but that's all background to the air whooshing past his ears. The ground is coming fast. So much faster than he thought it would-!

 ...

_“Oh, Nakura…” Izaya tutted, snapping a photo of the scene in front of him. He had been keeping an eye on Nakura for weeks, ever since Shizuo had gotten his jacket as evidence of Izaya's… behavior in the guidance counselor’s office. He had just wanted to be sure Nakura wasn't planning to make any moves against him, and what he saw was so much better._

_Nakura, stealing money from the fundraising boxes the clubs had worked so hard for…_

_Not a lot of money. Just a few yen here and there. But stealing and stealing, awful bad to be caught on camera._

_Nakura whirls around to face Izaya, the voice of his tormentor, masked as he was the last time._

_“I didn't-! This isn't what it looks like! I- I was just counting-!”_

_“Counting how much you think you can get away with taking. You probably thought: if it's just a little, a bill or two, they'll probably just think they made a mistake.” Izaya drawls, looking at the photo on his phone screen with a grin that sharpens his eyes. “Wow, you're not very photogenic. Maybe we should take another and I'll try a different angle.”_

_Nakura’s face goes from pale with terror to red with rage._

_“W-what the hell is wrong with you?! Why do you keep doing this to me?!” He snaps, still sweating nervously even through his outburst._

_Izaya laughs because to him, this is funny. This is genuine entertainment._

_“Because you make it so easy, my dear friend. You should be thanking me. You're not cut out for a life of crime and I’m saving you from it!”_

_Nakura jerks back as though he's been slapped, but then rears back. He clutches desperately to his anger, as though it would make Izaya take think twice about messing with him. But he's slipping into fear and submission quickly._

_“What- what do you want me to do this time? Be-because this is the last favor, you got that?!”_

_Izaya laughs again. At least Nakura is smart enough not to waste his time begging Izaya to delete the photo. That would've been really embarrassing. He's finally starting to speak Izaya's language. Business. Izaya slips his phone into his pocket and rewards Nakura’s understanding with getting to the point._

_“At one-thirty in the morning you’re going to call an anonymous tip to the police and you're going to give them this address.” Izaya pulls a torn piece of notebook paper from his jacket pocket and hands it to Nakura who accepts it with trembling hands._

_“Wh-what is i-it?”_

_“The hideout of the infamous Blue Squares.”_

_“The Blue-!” Nakura's voice cracks._

_“Yes. Now keep quiet if you want to stay anonymous, ne?”_

_The Blue Squares have been dodging cops a long time now and these five guys will have known exactly how to shake them so they couldn't be followed. And that won't do at all_.

...

The ground comes so much faster than Izaya's expecting. He lets his legs collapse beneath him and manages to tuck into a haphazard roll, but it's sloppy, and his ankle twists painfully. There's no snap, no agony of a break, just the sharp twang of a twisted ankle. Sprained at worst and nothing he can't push away in favor of survival. He reaches into Kanra’s- into _his_ boot and pulls the kitchen knife out as he comes out of the roll, landing in a crouch and ready just in case-!

He looks up just in time to see that crazy bastard follow him off the platform, his hammer trailing after him brandished high. Poised to- No. It _is_ crashing down towards Izaya's head. A solid block of iron. Deadly. Easily able to crush every single one of Izaya's bones under its weight with the full force of gravity-

It's weight.

Izumii's hammer must be extremely heavy and Izumii is no beautiful monster boiling over with strength and energy. Izumii is only human. A human foolish enough to haul around such a ridiculous weapon. Izaya learned the hard way there's nothing quite as exhausting as a fight and Izumii's body must be expending twice as much energy as Izaya's is just by tossing that thing around. There's no doubting how dangerous a sledgehammer is, but how long could Izumii possibly keep up with Izaya with that as his weapon of choice?

Izaya can do this. He tightens his grip on the kitchen knife and dives out of the path of the hammer towards the outside of Izumii's body, managing to slash the underside of Izumii's forearm through his long, blue sleeves. Drawing first blood.

All Izaya has to do is outlast him.

Just tired him out, and he can win.

Of course, there's two more he's got to worry about as well.

“Fuck!” Izumii curses and stumbles back clutching his bleeding arm. There's no telling how deep the cut is, only that the blood that's dropped down Izaya's blade is sticky. How disgusting.

“Little bitch came ready to play, huh?!”

Izumii lunges forward with his empty, undamaged arm outstretched towards Izaya and this attack is noticeably faster than when he took a swing with his hammer. But he's not fast enough to get a hold of Izaya.

For now, Izaya needs to stay focused on two things only. Avoiding the hammer and staying out of his grasp. He holds onto those thoughts as his source of belief in himself.

By now Izumii's lackeys have come back down the staircase and are brandishing the pipes Izaya had dropped on them as weapons. Instead of staying back to watch the fight, they charge forward, uninterested in letting this be a one-on-one match. Izaya didn't expect less. They are a gang, after all.

But Izaya's had larger groups charge him before. All he has to do is keep moving, and keep them in line with each other to increase the probability of their attacks crossing. This isn't some choreographed movie fight, they're bound to slip up and hit each other and one good whack from a lead pipe will be enough to put someone out of the game.

All Izaya has to do is not be the one benched.

For several exhausting, heart pounding minutes it's a deadly game of tag. Or at least, Izaya thinks he's exhausted, but he can't feel much of anything around the adrenaline. He jumps back away from a swipe of short pipe to gain distance as he has no intention of using his own short-range weapon if he doesn't have to. He leans to his left and back to avoid the slightly longer pipe and darts to the side to avoid the sledgehammer again. He circles the boys to keep them stumbling over one another, taking advantage of the open space he didn't have in the alley.

Izumii's lackeys don't attack nearly as often as Izaya had thought they might. From a tactical standpoint it seems most advantageous in theory to attack as often as possible to overwhelm the opponent, but in practice, they're reluctant to get close, but not because of Izaya and his kitchen knife. It's because Izumii is a mad man with that sledgehammer and neither of them wants to be in striking distance. Izaya can relate as he side-steps, ducks, and rounds a blackened card table to kick towards Izumii's only to be turned into splinters.

“Come on, asshole! If you wanna stab me get over here and do it already! You brought the knife, right?! You wanna kill me?!”

He's wrong. Izaya doesn't want to kill him. Izaya just wants him to know he _could_ have killed him. If Izaya does kill him, then he won't have to live with the knowledge his empire was destroyed and his life could have been taken by a skinny nerd in drag.

However, Izaya is running low on time. If his internal clock is correct, which it is, they have about ten minutes before the cops show up.

Izaya turns to run and vault over the couch but only makes it two steps before a hand grabs hold of his hair. There's a sharp tug on his scalp but he can afford to let the pain distract him. Panic and another surge of adrenaline push him forward and-!

The wig comes off.

Ah… Izaya had almost forgotten his hair isn't that long. It was Kanra-

No. It was just Izaya's wig.

And it doesn't stop him from vaulting over the old couch.

“What the fuck?!” The lackey with the short pipe throws away the tangled wig in shock, his voice cracking over fear and confusion in the most hilarious way.

“Ah, come on, those things aren't easy to maintain, y’know?” Izaya purrs, dropping his lashes the same way he did to make Shizuo crazy for him. He steps back further from the couch poised for another attack, watching the movements of the boys with his knife held up and close to his body.

The boy with the short pipe shakes his free hand like he's trying to get cobwebs off to get rid of some strands of black hair, looking disgusted.

“Y-you’re not a girl!” He shouts.

Izaya rolls his eyes at such a waste of words. But he can't keep away the curl of a grin. There's something so satisfying about being caught. Maybe it's the entertainment value of the shock. Who doesn't love a good plot twist? Maybe it's the possibility of having someone appreciate the amount of work and planning that went into this.

Without changing his defensive stance he hooks his pointer finger into the soft cotton of his black turtleneck to pull it down and expose his Adam's apple to the shadowy lighting of the warehouse.

“Nice detective work.” He says dryly.

“Gross! I always said Akihito was a fag, didn't I?!” The boy with the long pipe exclaims a bit too enthusiastically.

“No, you didn't!”

Suddenly, Izumii rushes forward, clearly more interested in satisfying his need for blood than whatever stupid argument his boys want to have. He leaps over the couch, hammer raised to bring down on Izaya. It's the very same attack he used from the staircase landing except Izaya's ready this time. This time he ducks into Izumii's body. This time, he goes on the offensive.

The boys are stuck on the other side of the couch and can't get around in time to back Izumii up. Izaya doesn't hesitate. He doesn't think about the stickiness of blood or the pain he'll be causing a human being. He doesn't think of what it means to be violent, what it means to hurt.

“I was right, you’re just like my brother! Too pretty for your own good! I wonder if you’ll struggle and cry like he did, or if you'll actually like it!”

He thinks about humiliating Izumii in a way that he'll never be able to forget and slashes a deep cut across Izumii's right cheek. One that he knows will scar.

Around him, all hell breaks loose, but Izaya doesn't see it. All Izaya can see is the splatter of red and feel that warm, sticky blood between his fingers. Except there's more. And it's just as disgusting as it was the first time. But Izaya can't worry about that because he's kicking a slow, distracted Izumii back towards the couch and leaping on top of him. He can't hear anything but pounding of his own heart that sends his own blood through his veins and he dives on top of Izumii's. He presses the kitchen knife to his throat and now is the time. He has a message to deliver.

“Remember-”

But Izaya can't finish. He's wrenched away from Izumii by the back of his shirt like he's nothing more than an angry child.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was my first time writing actual action. And I think it shows lol
> 
> But seriously, sorry for taking so long to update, and thank you all for your continued support. The response I've gotten for this story has been unbelievably wonderful! And it's almost over!
> 
> Since the end is approaching so soon, I'd like to tell you all about the last little hurray I'll be doing for this story. As I said before, the response I've gotten for this story has been so incredible and I've actually received fanart for it! Crazy, I know. So, I'll be dedicating a tag in my tumblr to all the wonderful fanart people have done for this story, as well as my own concept art that I did when this little story of mine was just starting out.
> 
> So, if you want to see great fanart because you're craving more Bookcase, or just have a might need for some lovely shizaya art, as we all do, check out the tag 'bookcase' on my blog here: http://bad-romance-ships.tumblr.com/search/bookcase


	37. It's Either Fiction,Or Izaya

 

What Shizuo’s seeing can only be described as so ridiculously unnecessary that it either has to be fiction… Or Izaya. Unfortunately, it’s Izaya. As he looks up at the burning warehouse with it’s heat lighting his cheeks with a bright orange glow and reflecting in his eyes his next move is clear. This isn’t a fantasy where the villains have master plans and the heroes are praised after tearing the city to pieces, this is real life and  _ damn it Izaya, whatever’s going on there is no way you  _ had _ to light a building on fire you fucking nutcase!  _

There’s no turning away from this. He has to go to wherever the hell Izaya decided to go to and knock some sense into him. He’s going to meet Izaya on the level Shizuo is certain  _ he _ escalated this to and drag him back down to Earth where he belongs. The real world where his sisters need him because his parents chose their careers over their own children. The real world where Shizuo’s going to sneak him onto the roof to have lunch with his friends. The real world where Izaya’s going to bring his sister’s over to Shizuo’s house where his mother can fawn over them and they’ll have dinner as a family. The real world where he’s going to spoil the ending of every mystery novel Shizuo picks up within the first fifteen pages for the rest of their lives. 

If Izaya wants to be crazy, fine. Shizuo will show him crazy. He’ll play Izaya’s way tonight. But then he’s coming home and they’re going to tell his sisters all about the bad guys they beat. Mairu and Kururi are going to talk endlessly about their cupcake crime scene or whatever game they’ve gotten lost in and they're going to chase each other around the house until the girls crash from their sugar high. Then he’s going to take Izaya upstairs and they’re going to snuggle, awkward boners be damned because they’re teenage boys and that just happens sometimes and it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.

He just has to go into this burning building and catch a super villain first. Preferably before the police show up.

Vigilantes always have secret identities, right?

“Fuck…” Shizuo sighs shakes, his head, and starts jogging the rest of the way to the warehouse.

When he gets there what he sees is not nearly as bad as he was picturing. The doors are wide open, there are no pillars covered in fire with people trapped under them. In fact, it’s almost empty and the fire is dying fast on the concrete with little to burn.

He slows as he approaches the front doors wondering where all the people are. Kadota said this gang was a big deal, right? Surely they’d be here to fight the person who set their clubhouse on fire? He looks inside to scan the room for any life. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe Izaya’s not here and this fire is just an acciden-

Izaya’s in the middle of the room… wielding a knife and wearing a skirt.

The next thing he sees is four boys, all younger but much larger than Izaya closing in. Three of them are carrying pipes and one is carrying a sledgehammer and Shizuo doesn’t give a shit if Izaya set this building on fire because he’s not going to let a single one of them touch Izaya. No one’s allowed to beat some sense into Shizuo’s villain except for him! 

The boy with the sledgehammer swings at Izaya, shouting something Shizuo can’t hear around the blood and fire in his ears. The entire world slows while Shizuo sprints towards the fight, but he isn’t fast enough. He’s not going to get there in time!

But Izaya doesn’t need him there. Izaya ducks under the swing and goes on the offensive as fast as a cobra strike and suddenly the world is moving again and the blood isn’t roaring in his ears quite so loud. Now he can hear something. 

“He-Heiwajima! Oh fuck, wh-what are you doing here?!” The boy with the short pipe squeaks, revealing his real age. They’re just kids. They’re all just kids, what the fuck is all this?

“I’m here to take that crazy son of a bitch home.” Shizuo snarls.

The boy holding the longer pipe whirls around, his eyes wide with terror and it looks like he’s going to bolt. Only he doesn’t. He charges Shizuo with a cracking battle-cry and swings over his head. This is nothing like the time Shizuo was hit in the head with the bat, he could see this clumsy attack coming from a mile away. It’s easy to catch the pipe and thoughtless when he crushes it in his grip and before the kid can let go Shizuo’s tossing him across the room. But Shizuo doesn’t have time for this. He needs to get to Izaya now. He turns to the guy with the short pipe, expecting to push through him quickly to get to Izaya.

But what Shizuo sees makes his blood run cold. The guy with the short pipe is on Izaya before Shizuo can round the couch, yanking him off the guy with the sledgehammer. Izaya kicks and slashes wildly with his knife as he’s pulled away from whatever he was doing to the sledgehammer guy but can’t throw him off.

“You-you’re here for him, right?” The guy squeaks, holding Izaya in a clumsy headlock while the guy who was using the sledgehammer gets off the ground and takes the knife from Izaya’s hand. But not without getting a nasty gash on his hand. Izaya’s like a cornered cat and they’re ripping off his claws in front of Shizuo’s eyes. “You can h-have him! Just let us go!” 

His attempt at taking control of the situation is undermined by the panic in his eyes and the malice in his friend’s. Whoever’s gotten the bad end of Izaya’s knife doesn’t seem bothered by the cuts across his arms or the beast he’s facing down. 

“Sh-Shizu-chan!” Izaya cries, his voice pitching up in shock. 

“No, he can’t.” This boy says, turning the blade towards Izaya with a disturbing amount of ease. It shouldn’t be this easy to point a knife at another human being. They’re just kids.

… Why can’t they all just be kids?

“Not until I’m done with him.” He grabs Izaya’s face, his furious, beautiful face, and presses that damn knife to Izaya’s cheek and Shizuo would feel a hell of a lot better if he would get thing away from Izaya already. “You a fag, Heiwajima? Or did this tranny screw you over too?” The boy grins, all mania and none of the reason Izaya possesses. “Maybe it’s both, hm? Found out he was screwing with our boy Akihito? Not that it matters to me. You can have him in a few minutes. I’d let you join in, but this is a Blue Squares issue and I’d rather you didn’t get too close. You understand.”

Shizuo doesn’t know what to say. Izaya’s fate is dependent on his next move. What can he possibly do or say to get that knife away from Izaya's face? Can he possibly move fast enough to knock it away? Maybe he could-

“Five minutes.”

Izaya suddenly speaks up, his eyes locked onto the boy with his knife. He sounds calm now. His eyes were so wide with panic when he was looking at Shizuo as if he was the one threatening Izaya. 

“The police are almost here to take the last of the Blue Squares into custody. You don't have enough time to torture me and escape.” 

The boy holding Izaya looks to the boy with the knife nervously. 

“Izumii…”

Shizuo has no idea if Izaya's bluffing or not, and he doesn't know which option he'd prefer. He's still standing on edge with his weight tipped forward, ready to cross the few feet between them and grab Izaya. All he needs is a moment of hesitation from that crazy Izumii kid. 

But Izumii doesn't relent. Doesn't even spare a glance for his anxious friend. He drags the tip of the blade down Izaya's face and neck… and carves a slow, vertical cut down Izaya's left collar bone through the sweater like a tally mark. Izaya gasps and hisses in pain, trying to jerk back against the boy holding him to get away. 

“That's one lie. Let's make a cut for all the ones I can think of…” 

The knife moves again, down Izaya's body towards his skirt and Shizuo can't look away. But Izaya hasn't stopped talking even as the knife moves downward. 

“Juvie might not be the same as prison, but that smear on your record will keep you from becoming anything more than a loser thug,” Izaya says, obviously to the boy holding him who can be intimidated. “You think the system is against you now? Just wait. Crime is all fun and games when no one knows it's you.”

_ Yeah no shit, Izaya.  _

Shizuo almost looses control and dashes forward as that knife starts to tip the bottom of the skirt up. But he holds himself steady. He has to trust Izaya knows what he's doing and isn't feeling as desperate as Shizuo is. 

“You think your boys are on your side? You saw how they ran. And Izumii cares more about petty revenge than even entertaining the possibility I'm telling the truth and trying to save what's left of your little family.”

This finally snaps the boy’s resolve. All within the span of a second, he loses focus and that's just what Izaya and Shizuo have been waiting for. 

“Izumii!” He cries, looking to his friend desperately for some sort of assurance that Izaya is wrong or lying. Izumii glances up just for a second to yell at his friend. 

Izaya acts faster than Shizuo. He kicks the knife away, hissing as it accidentally scratches up his body. By the time it's pinging across the room and Izumii’s rearing back to punch Izaya in the face Shizuo’s on top of him and Izaya's stomping on the foot of the guy who's hold on him is failing. 

Shizuo’s easily wrenched Izumii’s hands behind his back and is almost completely unaware of how he thrashes and kicks out his legs to escape because his eyes are still fixed on Izaya. Izaya whirls around to elbow the guy he’s struggling against in the side of the head before he's able to spring away. He takes one more shot at his staggered opponent, a kick that only glances the side of his abdomen before he turns and sprints away. For a brief moment Shizuo thinks he's running away and almost drops Izumii to follow him, but then he realizes Izaya isn't going to the door. He's going for his knife. 

Izumii's still thrashing and kicking and screaming every piece of profanity there is and Shizuo can feel that he's strong, but he's not Shizuo strong. The boy who had held Izaya doesn't seem to know what to do. He hesitates and Izumii starts screaming at him to grab Izaya. 

“Get that FUCKING TRANNY!”

Shizuo is at a loss for what to do himself. This is his chance. He needs to drop Izumii, grab Izaya, and run. But… what is Izaya planning?

Izaya grabs his knife from the concrete floor without breaking his stride and grabs his knife before turning back when he gasps in pain and stumbles. He keeps running but now Shizuo can see him limping and that's enough for Shizuo. 

_ Fuck it.  _

He throws Izumii at his friend. Their bodies collide painfully audibly but Shizuo doesn't see it because he's scooping Izaya up into his arms and heading for the door. 

“Shizu-chan!” Izaya chokes in surprise as the wind is knocked out of him when he's thrown over Shizuo's left shoulder. “Shizu-chan, wait! Turn around I need-!”

“No! Shut up Izaya, I’m not taking you back into  _ that! _ ”

Izaya starts pounding on Shizuo's back with his fist. 

“I don't want to fight I just- My wing!”

Shizuo was not expecting those words in this moment. They make him pause.

“I wasn't lying about the cops, they're coming. I don't want them to find it!”

Shizuo glances back and with a quick scan of the area he does, in fact, see a black lump of hair on the floor.  _ What the fuck… _

“Vigilantes need secret identities, right?” Izaya whispers quickly into the back of Shizuo's ear, digging his fingers into Shizuo's shoulder the keep himself upright. His words manage to cut through the other boys’ yelling. Izumii is reaching for his hammer and Shizuo doesn't really get what's happening but… 

“Fine.” They need to make this quick. 

Shizuo runs back towards the other boys and instead of going straight for the wig he makes a quick detour for the hammer that's about three steps away. He kicks it just to get it away from Izumii and keep away some of the danger, sending it straight into the warehouse wall, and then goes for the wig. Izumii jumps back in surprise, and Shizuo is just about to shift gears for the wig when Izaya surprises them all by tipping himself down over Shizuo's back and Shizuo almost trips in an effort to stop his momentum, thinking Izaya's falling. 

But Izaya’s not falling, he's going for Izumii. He grabs Izumii's face and arm, digging his fingers into the cuts.

“You’re no king, monster, or god. You're not special. Remember how easily you fell when you thought you were on top.” His eyes are wide and crazed and before Shizuo even has time to take in Izumii's livid face because he's lunging for the wig and running. 

But as he turns to the door the sound of sirens cut through the night and the flash of lights of police cruisers round the corner. Everyone freezes in panic but Izaya. 

“Shizu-chan, upstairs!”

Shizuo had no idea that there was an upstairs. He certainly has no idea why they would want to go upstairs. But he trusts that Izaya knows why so he turns on his heel and heads for the back of the warehouse. 

He takes the steps two at a time and bursts into the top room. It's small and messy and Shizuo doesn't see a place to hide but-

“The window!”

Just what Shizuo was thinking.

Without a moment's hesitation, Shizuo runs for the window, loosening his grip just enough to allow Izaya to shift on his back so his arms are wrapped around Shizuo's shoulders and his legs are around his waist. He takes the wig from Shizuo's hand and speaks directly into his ear.

“There's another building that's straight ahead. Grab it and climb to the roof.”

Shizuo thinks that maybe he should be scared or at least nervous. He's never jumped out of a window before and right now it's not just his body that’s at stake. But Izaya's clinging to his back tightly. His grip is strong and his voice is stronger. Shizuo can feel the energy radiating from Izaya's chest and right now Izaya's not the shy bookworm who hides from the world. 

There isn't any doubt in Shizuo's mind that they can do this. 


	38. We're Okay

 

Shizuo runs and jumps out into the cold night air with his arms outstretched for the dark building he knows is there on Izaya's word. Just as Izaya said, he collides with the stone siding of a building within a millisecond of being in the air. With all the adrenaline and self-assurance he needs, he makes his own hold in the building by shoving his fingers into the wall.

Izaya lurches over Shizuo’s shoulder from the sudden stop but he's stable. He laughs in Shizuo's ear, breathlessly amazed, and bounces on Shizuo's back.

“Yes, yes! Perfect!”

“Sit still and shut up, flea.” Shizuo snarls, but his heart isn't really in it. “I'm not done with you yet.”

He wrenches one aching hand from the wall and ignores the warm drip of what is probably blood from his skin breaking against the stone and reaches up to punch another hole in the wall for him to use.

“Mm good…” Izaya purrs, rubbing his cheek over the back of Shizuo's head and this is really not the time for him to be distracting.

Shizuo does his best to ignore Izaya’s increasingly hot breath and the sirens and the shouting from the warehouse to focus on bringing them the last few feet up to the roof.

By the time he gets to the top his certain both of his hands are bleeding and at least one of his fingers are broken but he can hardly feel it because he's dumping Izaya onto the roof like a sack of flour.

“What the fuck were you doing?!”

Izaya lands gracelessly, yelping as he lands on his bad ankle. But Shizuo can't really feel bad because Izaya's bouncing right back. Reaching for the hem of Shizuo's shirt either in an attempt to pull himself up or pull Shizuo down with him.

“Why were you looking for me? How did you know where I was?”

He asks between unusually hot gulps of air and even though it really isn't the time Shizuo's letting himself be pulled down.

“I went over to your place to hang out with you and your sisters and they said you left dressed as a girl!” He sits on his knees but Izaya's still grabbing him. He’s grabbing Shizuo by the front of his shirt and his shoulders and is still somewhere between pulling himself up and dragging Shizuo down and is really just succeeding in pulling himself closer. “And I… your sister said you were hanging around the Blue Squares and I knew something was wrong because damn it Izaya you can't just leave fucking kids alone.” Shizuo's let himself fall forward into Izaya's pull onto his hands and knees over Izaya, who’s still trying to climb him.

“So I brought them to my place for Kasuka to look after and went looking for you.” Shizuo's panting as much as Izaya is now, they're faces are so close and hot as Izaya clings to his front. Izaya's not even touching the roof anymore. He's just hanging onto Shizuo with his legs wrapped around Shizuo's waist and he won't stop squirming for some reason. “And it-it's your fucking smell _again_. Wherever you go you leave a trail that stinks up the damn city…”

“ _Be_ _ast…_ ” Izaya whispers rapturously, barely audible even though they're so close over the wail of the sirens.

“Izaya we need to get out of here…” Shizuo pleads. “Your sisters. The police.”

He's begging Izaya to let them go. The force of Izaya's pull is like gravity and Shizuo can't fight it as Izaya's hands are tangling in Shizuo's hair. His nose is bumping Shizuo's jaw while he fits his lips to the curve of his neck and Shizuo isn't strong enough to do anything but keep himself from crushing Izaya while he collapses when Izaya whines.

“Shizu-chan…”

Izaya's voice cracks up into a high pitch over heat and desperation Shizuo doesn't fully understand. He’s whithering with every brush of soft skin and every sharp inhale of that scent and Izaya still won't stop squirming. He's grabbing every inch of Shizuo he can reach and trying to pull it into his chest and is constantly shifting the angle of his legs around Shizuo's waist. Shizuo doesn't really understand Izaya's need to hold onto as much of Shizuo as possible or what exactly made the tension in him snap to make him try and devour Shizuo's neck, but he's starting to forget why he was trying to be anywhere but right here a moment ago. Izaya's right here and he's warm and he smells so good and he's clutching Shizuo so tightly.

“Shizu-chan… you came… you were looking for…”

He gasps between gulps of air and mouthfuls of the skin over Shizuo's pounding pulse.

And now Shizuo remembers what he was doing.

“Yes.” He finally manages to move one hand to Izaya's hair to push Izaya away from him. If they're going to get anywhere Izaya needs to stop trying to eat him alive. He hisses as one of the broken or sprained fingers bumps into Izaya's forehead and Izaya keens at the touch. Extremely unhelpfully, Shizuo might add.

“Stop moving, I’m taking you home…”

But Izaya ignores him completely and decides that trying to crawl into Shizuo's shirt is a much better idea.

“Shizu-chan… Shizu-chan…”

Part of Shizuo agrees but… not now. Kasuka and his mom are looking after Mairu and Kururi and probably worried sick. They should be getting home as soon as possible.

With more willpower than physical strength he manages to pry Izaya off his chest first, then hold him down with one hand while working on unlocking Izaya's legs from around him. Izaya is consistently unhelpful with his bratty whining and attempts to latch back onto Shizuo the moment he slips up.

“Izaya, come on.” He hisses. “I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm just going to take you home.”

_… And interrogate you._

Finally, he manages to pin Izaya on his back under him. Izaya gives up on his useless struggle against Shizuo's strength and lays limp. He gasps for breath with his chin is tilted up towards the moon and now that the fighting has stopped everything is still.

Even at night, the city is always alive with speeding cars and neon signs and sirens and loud drunks. But on this roof, low as it is, most of the chaos is beneath them fading into the background. Watching Izaya stare up at the night sky filling his lungs with cold air while the blood from Shizuo's hands dries in his hair and in a smear on his forehead Shizuo realizes he never really notices how stressful perpetual noise is until it's gone.

Izaya’s lips form around words again and it comes out as hushed breaths more than actual speech.

“Why did you come looking for me?”

Shizuo slowly lifts his right hand to tangle it in Izaya's dirty, congealing hair. More blood won't really make a difference other than making his voice come out unexpectedly tight.

“I was worried about you… you really thought no one would notice you were up to something? What the hell were you thinking?”

He's expecting a snarky comment. Maybe a jab at his intelligence. Hell, even silence. What he isn't expecting is the way Izaya's expression collapses and the storm of emotions never seen so clearly before this night. Desperation, pain, lust… His tips his head back, baring his throat to the moonlight, and Shizuo can see the whine that boils up and over.

_“ Shizuo.”_

The need is clear over every inch of Izaya and Shizuo's not sure if Izaya needs to be kissed breathless or if he needs to cry.

Shizuo is sure that this isn't the time or the place for either of those things.

“Okay,” He rasps and even he doesn't know what he means by it. It just comes out. “Okay, just hang on…”

He pulls his fingers out of Izaya's hair with a low hiss. As the fog in his head clears and the adrenaline eases down to a simmer he can feel the pain in his fingers. When he shifts away from Izaya he's half expecting him to grab his shirt again, but he doesn't. Izaya lays perfectly still with his head back, his expression open, and his arms out horizontally with his palms up much like he did on Shizuo’s bed all those weeks ago. He doesn't have to say anything for Shizuo to know that he's waiting for Shizuo to pick him back up and carry him.

He picks Izaya up like he's a child with one arm supporting his weight and the other around his shoulders to keep him upright. Thankfully, after Shizuo jumps down from the roof to the fire escape, Izaya wordlessly agrees to cooperate enough to allow Shizuo to shift him onto his back again and hold on.

The walk home is slow as he picks his way through alleys and over chain link fences but Izaya doesn't lift his face from Shizuo's shoulder the whole way.

Shizuo isn't thinking about the hour or how some of his fingers are broken or the blood in Izaya's face and hair. When he opens the front door and steps inside it occurs to him that maybe they should have played this more carefully.

:::

Izaya more or less shut his brain down as Shizuo carried him back to his house. All the lights and the sounds and the pain in his ankle and the cuts and _Shizuo_ was too much stimulation. It felt like his brain was working triple-time to over-analyze every detail about the world around them and what happened on top of the crushing sensation of pure desire. He can't think right now. He's not ready to think right now.

But the rest of the world is being very inconsiderate about that.

Then Shizuo opens the front door of his home and it gets so much worse.

Shizuo's brother is sitting at the table with a woman Izaya can assume is Shizuo's mother and she looks absolutely sick with worry. The two of them look up the moment the front door opens to Shizuo carrying Izaya. In a skirt, holding a wig and a knife, bloody and bruised.

Not exactly how he wanted to be introduced to Shizuo’s mother.

“Oh my _goodness!_ ” She gasps, jumping up from the table to immediately rush over to them. Izaya wishes she could just stay sitting there and ignore him. But unfortunately, this is Shizuo’s mother they’re dealing with right now, not his own father.

She places one hand on Shizuo’s chest and cups his face with the other to look at him carefully. She looks so concerned. So open and so _loving_ that Izaya’s blinded and he has to hide his face in Shizuo’s back.

“Oh, Shizuo we were so worried! You’ve never been out so late before and Kasuka told me that one of your friends was in danger and-” She looks over Izaya’s broad shoulder and gasps again. She can;t see Izaya’s face and she’s a small woman, but Izaya’s sure she can see Shizuo’s blood crusted on the top of his hair and the bloody knife clenched in Izaya’s hand that’s braced around Shizuo’s shoulders.

“Is that-! Oh, oh come inside already.” She steps to the side to let them into the warm home but all Izaya can feel is a bone-deep cold. “I demand an explanation from both of you! After we fix you up and oh, it’s freezing outside! Go sit!”

Izaya doesn’t even realize he’s shaking until Shizuo reaches up to cover his white-knuckled hand with his own.

“We’re okay mom, it’s not as bad as it looks,” Shizuo mumbles but doesn’t hesitate to do as he’s told. He brings Izaya around to the other side of the table, probably trying to cover up the whole skirt thing, and gently sits him down after squeezing his hand reassuringly. Izaya isn’t even reassured as Shizuo sits right next to him close enough for their shoulders to brush.

Finally, Izaya looks up to see Kasuka already opening a massive first-aid kit and his mother standing over them with her arms crossed.

“Not that bad? That boy’s head is covered in blood!” She snaps and reaches out across Shizuo’s body to try and touch Izaya. No doubt to examine his head gently with the calloused, self-assured hands of a hard-working mother. Before Izaya can compose himself to control his reaction, he flinches away.

“Ah, no mom,” Shizuo cuts in as her hand curls back from Izaya’s silent rejection. “No, he’s okay. That’s my blood, it’s-” He lifts his hands to show her and before he can finish his explanation she’s grabbing his hands as carefully as she can, given her growing concern.

“Oh, _Shizuo_ , what happened?” She sounds like she doesn’t believe what she’s seeing as she waves at Kasuka to bring the medical supplies closer. Izaya understands her disbelief. Shizuo’s body gets more and more indestructible every day and while Shizuo’s medical records showed that he broke bones all the time as a child that stopped happening during his pre-teen years. He imagines she hasn’t seen her tank of a son hurt in years.

“I uh, I shoved my hand in concrete…” Shizuo says quietly. He doesn’t look at her while he grits his teeth and sets the few fingers that look out of place, only grunting when he snaps the bones back to where they’re supposed to be while his mother and Izaya flinch at every one of them. Once they’re set he lets her clean the blood from the scrapes and wrap tight splints around them.

Kasuka, who appears to be at least a step ahead of all of them, has already gotten a wet hand-towel for Izaya to clean his face with. Izaya’s grateful to get the crusty mess off and hopefully look less like a corpse sitting at the Heiwajima’s table.

“But we’re okay mom, can we please just… Can we please talk about this tomorrow?”

“Absolutely not!” She snaps and without prompting Kasuka brings him and Shizuo some water. “As if I’m going to give you boys a chance to get your story straight. You’re going to tell me right now!”

_Ah, smart lady._

Unfortunately for her and Shizuo, Izaya already has his story straight. And it should be confirmed in the local news very soon.

Shizuo glances at Izaya, looking openly anxious. He couldn’t lie right now even if he had one prepared. But Izaya was expecting him to be honest with him mother and brother, so it won’t be a problem.

“Your mother’s right,” Izaya says. He sounds as shaky as he feels and right now that’s good. That’ll make him look more honest right now.

He looks up her and can see the honey brown eyes that belong to Shizuo and Kasuka’s nose.

“I’m so sorry we had to meet like this, I’m not normally…” He glances up at Shizuo for support. This first part isn’t a lie and Shizuo can back him up. “I’m not normally involved in fighting.”

Shizuo nods, watching Izaya more so than his mother because he must want an explanation too.

“And I’m sorry for getting Shizuo-san involved. I didn’t want him to know because I knew he’d try to help.”

He continues the explanation and knows he’s not explaining everything to Shizuo’s mom, but it should be enough pieces for Shizuo. He’s really just explaining for Shizuo.

“I’ve been watching this gang for a while because there have been rumors about them assaulting girls. I have two sisters and… I just couldn’t stand the thought of them growing up in a neighborhood where people could get away with that sort of thing. But no girls came forward about it and I figured it was because they were scared so I had to get proof. And… this gang didn’t like that.” He lets his voice trail off over the suggestion of violence and attempted heroism.

“Ah, but I did call the police so they could catch them tonight. Hopefully, they’ll have the evidence they need to put these monsters away for a long time.” He finishes, sitting up a little taller and speaking more confidently. _At least, they’ll have the evidence when I give them the photos._

For a minute all three Heiwajimas stare him down and he feels like he’s under the watch of three lie detectors. Shizuo breaks the silence first.

“You _idiot…_ ” he breathes and wraps one arm around Izaya’s shoulders to pull him in for a hug, tucking his face in Izaya’s hair in an open display of affection Izaya was not prepared for. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Izaya’s not sure if he’s saying that because Izaya’s attempt at heroics was stupid or because he is seeing through the lie. If he does, thankfully he doesn’t call Izaya out on it in front of his family.

Shizuo’s response seems to be enough to disarm his mom and… maybe Kasuka? It’s hard to tell with Kasuka.

She sighs and leans against the table, suddenly looking older. “Yes, it was… are you hurt, dear?”

“Ah, not really.” Izaya tries to wave her off with a smile and tries to subtly pull himself out of Shizuo’s hold with no success. This hug is embarrassingly long, right? It can’t just be Izaya who thinks that. “Just a few cuts, nothing nearly as serious as broken fingers.” Except for the dull ache in his ankle. It’s definitely not broken, but it’s probably sprained. Nothing he wants fixed enough to show off the skirt they probably already got a glimpse of.

He lets the three Heiwajimas clean and closes the cut on his collar bone with a few butterfly band-aids before he asks about his sisters.

Finally, Kasuka speaks up.

“They’re asleep upstairs in Shizuo’s room.” He turns to his brother. “I was sure you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Shizuo says with a smile.

Izaya smiles as well. The soft, relieved smile of a protective brother who only wants the best for his precious sisters. “I hope they weren’t too much trouble. Can I go see them?”

:::

Mairu and Kururi are curled up together on Shizuo's twin-sized bed. Their little arms and legs are knitted together with practiced ease. More often than not they share a bed just like this at home, even though they both have their own beds. Izaya has never really cared to try and separate them before. Izaya and Shizuo step into the dark room, only illuminated by a sliver of light from the hallway.

He sits on the edge of Shizuo's bed, combing his fingers through his sisters’ hair. They're completely dead to the world and Izaya knows they only sleep like this after being thoroughly tired out. This kind of sleep comes from being played with until they crash. Kasuka and Shizuo's mother must have had their hands full with these two.

Shizuo stands over them in shared silence with Izaya. Izaya knows he has questions. He can feel them weighing down Shizuo's gaze and keeping the scene from the perfection it almost is. He had hoped Shizuo would be entirely convinced, and maybe he is. Maybe he did fully believe Izaya's story and just wants to ask about the details like who Akihito is. Izaya expects that much at least. But Shizuo had proven to be good at timing when he asks important questions.

He takes his time arranging the girls’ wild hair around their sleeping faces. After he's fidgeted with a strand of Kururi, short hair for at least a full minute Shizuo wordlessly tells him that enough is enough by reaching over him and pulling the blanket up to their chins. He places one hand on Izaya's shoulder and leads him out of the room.

The sleeping arrangements for the last few hours of the night were agreed upon after much debate. The Heiwagima's are too polite for their own good but eventually, Izaya managed to convince him that he would be just fine on the couch alone. Shizuo's mother would be in her own bed with her husband who had passed out there drunk hours before Izaya and Shizuo arrived and Shizuo would share Kasuka's room. Well, as far as Shizuo's mother knows.

Kasuka knows the nature of their relationship and has agreed that it's a secret for Shizuo and Izaya to tell if they want to. Although, the way he looked at Izaya when he told them to “stay safe” had a much heavier meaning to it than using condoms.

So instead of sleeping on Kasuka's floor, he's tangled up with Izaya on the couch and neither of them is sleeping in during the last few hours of darkness.

Izaya's clothes and wig are folded away in an old plastic shopping bag and instead, he's wearing some of Shizuo's clothes -gray sweatpants rolled around his hips at least four times and a white tee-shirt - which are far too large and far too comfortable. The rest of his cuts were treated between the two of them and his ankle has finally been wrapped as has a bag of frozen vegetables on it for the swelling. It's the only part of his body left outside their huddle.

Izaya's head rests on Shizuo's shoulder and his other leg is woven through Shizuo's. Shizuo has one hand on Izaya's lower back and the other is alternating between Izaya's hair and his shoulders while he asks all of the questions that come to mind and Izaya recounts the details of being on the inside of the gang.

“Why pretend to be a girl?”

“Because it was easier to get in as someone's clueless girlfriend. I wouldn't have to be initiated or participate in any gang activity for them to let their guards down.”

“Oh… that makes sense I guess. It's just not something a lot of guys would have thought to do… I just wasn't sure… I'm mean, it's not because you're…? I mean it's okay if you are I just-”

Izaya lets out a dry laugh to cut Shizuo off.

“Shizu-chan, are you trying to ask if I feel like a girl inside?”

Izaya doesn't have to be looking at Shizuo to feel the blush radiating off his face.

“I don't. I'll confess that I've enjoyed playing dress-up with my sisters more than the average older brother, but having an interest in makeup isn't what makes a woman.”

“Okay… I just wanted to know cause… I want to respect you, y’know?”

Izaya nods and for once can't find it in him to tease Shizuo's lack of skill with language, because even though he is a man, it's still nice to hear Shizuo would be with him either way. In fact, it's a huge load off his shoulders. He was agonizing for so long if Shizuo would prefer him as a woman and this is just the final confirmation that his neither his gender nor his anatomy will change things between them.

However, Izaya's actions still might.

“So I'm guessing Akihito is the other guy…”

“The one who Izumii so crudely said I was ‘whoring it up’ with? Yes.”

Shizuo tenses and Izaya can hear him swallow.

“Did you… what did you do?”

“Nothing that would have made him find out that I actually have a penis.” He says, trying to lighten the mood. Nothing breaks the ice with a teenage boy quite like using the word “penis.”

And Shizuo does laugh. Kind of. And it sounds a little forced.

“Okay but… there's still a lot of things…”

“I kissed him on the cheek once.”

Technically, neither of them agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, but there was something unspoken between them which Izaya may have tainted by faking another relationship. But the line is blurry.

“He wanted more, of course, but I didn't. So I strung him along and would tide him over with lies and such.”

Izaya can feel Shizuo's disappointed sigh before it comes out.

“Izaya, that's wrong. That's really wrong.”

Izaya tightens his grip on Shizuo and tries to find the warmth he always felt in Shizuo's arms.

“It was just once on the cheek. He didn't mean anything to me and it was just-”

“That's what's wrong.” Shizuo cuts off Izaya's desperate attempts to convince him that he was never playing with him. Well, never like that.

“You can't just lead someone on like that, it sounds like he really liked you.”

“He really liked _Kanra_.” Izaya corrects. “He liked all the lies and none of me.”

Shizuo sighs again and Izaya wants to catch it and stuff it back into Shizuo's mouth. He doesn't want to be reprimanded for being clever. It's Akihito’s fault for being an idiot.

“I just feel bad for him.”

“He was part of a gang that sexually assaulted unconscious girls. I have the pictures they took, I already told you.”

“But he was trying to keep you safe from that. _He_ probably didn't do it.”

“Guilt by association.”

“Yeah… but not everyone joins a gang because they're a bad guy.”

Izaya hums. It seems Shizuo has grown to appreciate some of the finer intricacies of morality after all.

“But he still knew, or at least suspected, and did nothing.”

“.... Yeah, that is wrong.”

Izaya relaxes again, snuggling deeper into Shizuo. So Shizuo isn't mad about that… not very mad, anyway. Nothing they can't come back from.

“... why didn't you tell me you were doing this? I could have helped you.”

“Because you wouldn't have liked this plan.”

“Yeah, but you could've made a new plan. You're too smart not to have found a use for me.”

_Ah, so he is suspicious._

Izaya's thinking through his next answer. He's carefully selecting words and truths but before he can finish his thoughts are interrupted by the thudding of loud, uneven footsteps approaching and they can't untangle fast enough with how careful Shizuo is being with his ankle.

Shizuo's father stumbles into the living room and the two of them still are far closer than friends should be.

 


	39. Family Matters

There really wasn't any playing off the position Izaya and Shizuo were caught in. Izaya hadn't frozen like a deer in headlights the way Shizuo had when his father’s eyes landed on them. Izaya was still trying to salvage the situation, but once the hazy confusion in Shizuo's father’s eyes cleared he knew it was all over. 

Of course, it had to be Shizuo's dad. It couldn't have been Kasuka or Shizuo's caring mother - both of whom Izaya knows how to interact with by now - because that would be easy. Of course it had to be someone Izaya doesn't know enough about to predict. Sure, he's got enough information to infer basic things about the man but the information is limited and all from Shizuo's perspective. There's no telling how he'll react to this. 

The only consolation right now is Shizuo's insistence that the man had never been violent. But violence isn't the only way to hurt and it doesn't seem like Shizuo's inherited his temper from his mother. 

Shizuo and his father are in stunned silence as Izaya watches them both for what will happen next. Izaya's suddenly back to the way he was weeks ago. He feels as though he's not part of this situation and is only watching as though it's a movie scene. Only Izaya is very much a part of this situation. 

Shizuo's father seems like he's not computing what he's seen. Izaya can't see any brain activity behind his eyes. He's clearly not entirely sober yet, but he's definitely sober enough. 

In contrast, he can practically hear the frantic, incomprehensible thoughts bouncing around in Shizuo's head. Or maybe those thoughts are his own. 

The wait is agony, not because Izaya is afraid of Shizuo's father might do. He couldn't care less about what Shizuo's father thinks. But he is terrified of what Shizuo might do. 

It might seem crazy after all they've been through, but family isn't the same as fighting strangers. Family is something Shizuo will have to go home to every day. Will Shizuo shove Izaya away and say things he doesn't mean just to avoid conflict at home? Izaya can't say he'd really blame him… but it doesn't feel good to think about. 

Shizuo's father turns towards the kitchen, clutching his head, and pours himself a cup of water. 

“Shizuo… who’s your  _ friend?” _ The word friend sounds choked out and is quickly chased by a pill and a swig of water. 

“This is Izaya.” The unexpected clarity and confidence of Shizuo's voice force Izaya's eyes to snap back to his face. Shizuo's eyes remain fixed on his father and his jaw is visibly tight. 

“Oh, is he… is he from school? I don't remember ever meeting this friend.” Shizuo's father continues, trying to treat this like it's normal. Like he didn't just see them tangled together. 

There's something about his father's response that causes a shift in Shizuo that Izaya can physically feel. Izaya's not sure exactly what it is, but he does know that it was exactly the wrong thing for his father to say. 

“You've never met any of my friends.” Shizuo snaps. Izaya wasn't expecting this level of hostility. He's so respectful to his mother. 

Judging by his father’s reaction Shizuo doesn't normally talk back to him like that. He flinches like Shizuo just shouted at him, but Shizuo's still quiet in consideration of the rest of the house. Izaya's tense on anticipation and excitement. How  _ interesting! _

“Well, it’s very late, maybe he should be… heading home.”

“He's spending the night.”

Shizuo's still watching his father intently, he doesn't look over at Izaya as he wraps his arm around Izaya's shoulders. Perhaps he felt Izaya tense and thought he needed comfort, or perhaps he's just doing it to spite his father. Judging by how he's acting, Izaya's assuming it's the later. 

_ Shizu-chan is trying to antagonize someone? Now that's different! _

Izaya barely manages to choke down his astonished laughter. He leans into Shizuo's warm, stiff arm and watches Shizuo's father’s face pale. He's not going to complain, this is his kind of fun. 

Shizuo's father appears to be struggling for words and Izaya desperately want to say something. ‘I see where Shizuo gets his good looks from,’ maybe, or ‘I’m glad I finally get to meet my future father-in-law.’ Oh, so many great possibilities that he swallows because he would rather find out what Shizuo is going to do. 

But it's Shizuo's father who snaps first. He turns and strides away from the standoff, shouting for Shizuo's mother loud enough to wake the entire house. 

_ Oh dear.  _

Shizuo jumps up and immediately follows his father and Izaya trails behind as closely as he can while favoring his twisted ankle. 

Shizuo's mother is out of her room in seconds, eyes wide with panic. 

“What is it? What's wrong?”

Kasuka steps out as well, quiet as ever but eyes sharp for an emergency. 

_ “Your _ son,” Shizuo's father spits out, pointing in Shizuo's direction. “What did you do to him? He's always been a- been a  _ freak show _ and I never blamed you for it, but how do you explain this?!”

Shizuo's mom physically rears back, completely bewildered. 

“What are you talking about?”

“He's-!” Shizuo's father licks his lips and struggles to find the right word. Or maybe he just can't decide what slur he wants to use. “He’s-!”

“Izaya's boyfriend,” Shizuo growls, completely cutting his father off. 

Izaya blinks rapidly in surprise. He is, more or less,

_ Wow. This is… a complete train wreck.  _

Shizuo's mother appears to be shocked into silence. “I… I…”

He strides up to her, getting in her face. “I can't believe you raised him like this. I knew you were too soft on him! What's Kasuka going to turn out like in this house, huh? Singing in bars wearing dresses?”

By now Mairu and Kururi have opened the door behind him to step out of Shizuo's room quietly to see what all the commotion is. Izaya watches the scene in silence.This is horrible, Shizuo shouldn't have to be outed like this. But he's so  _ thrilled _ by what might happen. He thinks that maybe he should be afraid but he just isn't. His fear for weeks that Shizuo doesn't really want him has been blown so completely out of the water he's not afraid of much of anything. Of course, he doesn't want Shizuo's relationship with his family to fall apart, honestly, but… he knows he’ll be okay, at least. It's only now he notices the twisted, excited grin on his face, but thankfully no one is looking at him. 

“How dare you raise our son to be some  _ fag!” _

_ “ _ I didn't-!”

An airborne dictionary slamming into the side of Shizuo's father's head cuts the scene short. Izaya's head whips around to the direction it came from along with everyone else in the house. 

“We won't let you say mean things about Shizuo-nii!” Mairu is shouting, shaking her fist at the man as though she's going to try fighting him. Next to her Kururi is lifting another book, poised to throw. She looks just as determined as her sister. 

“We love… Shizuo-nii…”

Izaya doesn't even have time to be shocked because he's rushing over to his sisters before anyone else can move. He immediately scoops his sisters up into his arms.  _ Now _ he's afraid. But he's also so,  _ so  _ proud. 

“Who-”

“Please do not insult Mom or Shizuo further.” This time Kasuka has stepped up, cutting his father off. 

Shizuo's father looks around frantically as though he's searching for control Izaya is pretty sure he never had. 

He finally turns back to Shizuo's mother who looks at a loss for what to do. Izaya wonders where she stands. She hasn't exactly made her position clear despite how in-charge she was the last time Izaya had seen her. 

“You can't seriously support this!” He shouts at his wife. He lunges forward to grab the front of her nightgown. For what- Izaya never found out. Because Shizuo's wrenching him away from her faster than Izaya can blink. 

Shizuo pins him to the opposite wall of the hallway with one hand fisted in his shirt, the cuts on his knuckles split under the bandages, bleeding again. 

_ “Never try to put your hands on my mother.”  _ Shizuo growls, far more dangerous than Izaya's ever heard him. Shizuo is facing away from him and Izaya has never wanted to see his face so badly before. He  _ needs  _ to find out what expression Shizuo is making-!

_ “Get out.” _

Shizuo lets go of his father who quickly backs away and the most satisfaction Izaya can possibly get is that the man looks as though he's just seen death herself.

He looks at his wife one more time but she turns away from him and that's enough of an answer for all of them. 

* * *

 

Izaya just can't find the right word. He's already written seven possibilities but none of them are exactly what he's looking for…

He sighs. Maybe he should just scrap this whole verse and start over. 

“If you keep sighing like that you're going to completely deflate,” Shizuo calls from the kitchen. Izaya laughs at such an absurd notion. 

They're at Izaya's house today. His ankle is propped up to heal properly because he made it worse for himself since he kept walking on it after it was injured. Izaya can't say that he minds too much. Normally he'd hate to be stuck on the couch but having Shizuo take care of him and fuss over him has been rather fun. And for the first time in years, he's decided to try his hand at poetry again. 

“Oh, you're laughing fine now, but good luck laughing when you become a deflated squeaky toy.”

Shizuo walks into the living room carrying two bowls of soup for their lunch. Kasuka volunteered to take Mairu and Kururi out to the park today so they finally have some time to themselves. Izaya still has trouble reading Kasuka, but he suspects he's enjoying acting like a big brother just as much as Shizuo does. Too bad his sisters want to marry him.

“I think you should be more concerned with your own ability to laugh, being a smoker and all.”

Shizuo places the bowls on the coffee table and shifts Izaya so he can join him on the couch. 

“Don't be a jerk, you know I hardly smoke anymore.”

That may be true, but that doesn't mean Izaya has to give up on teasing him about it. Izaya never asked and Shizuo never said, but he suspects it has something to do with Shizuo's little obsession with smelling him. 

Shizuo hands him a bowl and Izaya accepts it happily. He doesn't hesitate to snuggle into Shizuo's side. 

Shizuo’s parents are still married, legally, but they're hardly together anymore. Shizuo's Mom hasn't given up on his father and she still hopes that he’ll come around. But as it turns out, she cares about her children more than her husband. When Shizuo talked to her about the whole issue, clutching Izaya's hand far too tight for support, she said that she was surprised but all she's ever wanted was for Shizuo and Kasuka to be happy and healthy. She promised to stay by his side as she always has. 

Shizuo had cried that day. 

Izaya remembers looking up to his mother when he was little and he thinks that he still does admire her even though she's never around. But Shizuo's mother is fast becoming as much of a mother to him as his own was, probably more so for his sisters. He's not sure how he feels about it… but it's not unpleasant enough for him to try and stop it. 

Izaya's already sent the photos of the victims he found in the Blue Squares hideout to the police anonymously, as promised, and had otherwise not gotten himself involved. But he is keeping an eye on the investigation that's underway. How could he not?

“Can I read it yet?” Shizuo asks for the eighth time and Izaya's answer is the same. 

“ _ No, _ Shizu-chan! It's not ready yet!” Izaya whines.

“Come on, maybe I could give you feed-”

Shizuo is cut off by a knock at the door. It isn't the way anyone in their families knocks and they both immediately tense. The cozy atmosphere Izaya has finally come to associate with home evaporates like smoke. 

They don't exchange words. Shizuo places his bowl back on the coffee table and stands to answer the door. Izaya twists to see who it is, his heart already pounding. He doesn't have any reason for it but he feels like it's going to be trouble. Perhaps Shizuo is rubbing off on him. 

Shizuo opens the door and on the other side is a man wearing an expensive suit with striking red hair. 

“Afternoon,” the man says politely. “May I come in? I'd like to have a chat.”

Shizuo doesn't respond. He turns to look at Izaya, waiting for his decision. He doesn't look worried and Izaya wonders if that's because he doesn't know who this man is or because of who Shizuo is. 

But Izaya does know who this man is. 

He nods at Shizuo slowly and plasters on a smile. 

“Of course, please come in! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Izaya may know who this man represents but he has  _ not  _ been meddling with the Awakusu. Messing with the Blue Squares is one thing, the yakuza is another. 

Shizuo steps aside to let the man in, his eyes trained on his figure, no doubt watching for any threatening movement.  
  
The man sits in the chair next to the couch and Shizuo positions himself between them, leaning against the couch with his arms crossed.

"Something happened to your ankle?" The man asks conversationally with a polite smile which Izaya returns easily.

"Oh, nothing really severe, just twisted it a little."

"Ah," The man nods, "Wonder how that could've happened..."

"What do you want?" Shizuo growls suddenly. It appears he's finally caught on to the situation. Or at least part of it.

"Right to the point, I see." The yakuza doesn't seem offended. "I can respect that, unfortunately, some of my co-workers are fond of small talk." He levels a stare at Izaya.

"Do you know who I am?"

"I know who you work for," Izaya answers carefully. This situation is definitely over his head. "However, I haven't the pleasure of being familiar with you personally."

"Akabayashi," The man offers, holding out his hand for Izaya to shake firmly, and then extending the courtesy to Shizuo. "It's my job to keep an eye on the games you kids play." He explains.

Izaya is pretty sure Shizuo doesn't really get what's happening but he probably knows that this is about to be a threat. Izaya is very thankful he is here.

"Well then, I apologize Akabayshi-san, but I'm afraid I don't know why you're here. Neither of us are part of any gangs."

Akabayshi chuckles. "Don't worry, Orihara-san, we know that. But let's spare Heiwajima-san the back and forth." He leans forward and Shizuo tenses. He's close, but not too close.

"It's not every day an up-and-coming nuisance like the Blue Squares gets busted by one little outsider."

"Nuisance you say?" Izaya chuckles, his blood pounding in his ears. "Then I suppose you're here to give thanks. I do appreciate the gesture but it isn't necessary."

Akabayashi rears back with laughter. "Oh man, kid, you're really something."

"You're right, you're not in any trouble with us... but I am here to warn you. Keep your nose clean, kid, and quit while you're ahead. We'll be keeping an eye on you." He finally turns to address Shizuo who hasn't stopped glaring this whole time. Izaya wonders if he ever gets tired of making that face.

"Keep a tight leash on your little monster, Heiwajima-san."

Shizuo bares his teeth and growls. Izaya's hand grips his arm tightly as if he could really hold Shizuo back.

"Are you done?" Shizuo snarls snarls. So much for manners.

Akabayashi is unintimidated even though Izaya is damn sure he knows who Shizuo is. 

"Yes, I think we are. Have a good day."

He gives a nod which Izaya returns and gets up to leave. He's followed closely by Shizuo who escorts him out.


	40. The Other Side of the Bookcase

 

“Shizuo, would you please tell your boyfriend to stop sending me damn riddles already…” Kadota sighs as he looks at his phone for the tenth time that day. “I don’t even know how he’s getting away with texting me in class so much.”

Shizuo blinks in surprise and stops walking to look over Kadota’s shoulder at his phone.

They’re going to meet Tom on the roof for lunch, as usual, and Shizuo has assumed he’d see Izaya there. As usual. But when he looks at the riddle on Kadota’s screen he doesn’t think that will be the case.

Shizuo snorts and shakes his head. “Brat must’ve been skipping class today.”

Izaya seemed to take a liking to Kadota when they finally met. And Izaya liking someone always means being annoying. Izaya never blows up Shizuo’s phone the way he spams Kadota, and he certainly never flirts with Shizuo in public the way he flirts with Kadota.

The public flirting is why Shizuo is certain he’s got nothing to worry about. Izaya would never put real feelings on display like that. He’s more difficult with his feelings, preferring to play games and use confusing riddles that Shizuo can never hope to get out of his head.

“I’m going to go get him, thanks for the tip, Kadota.”

“Uh, okay… you’re welcome?”

Shizuo gives Kadota a wave before heading off to get Izaya. The riddle he sent to Kadota was so obvious…

“I have lots to say but never speak,  
I open but you cannot walk through me,  
I have a spine but no bones.”

The answer is a book. Izaya is telling him to come to the library. And Shizuo is damn sure Izaya meant that message for him, not Kadota. Why else would he annoy Kadota when he knows he’s got class with Shizuo?

Shizuo steps into the library and heads for the back where he knows he’ll find Izaya hiding.

He’s not really surprised Izaya is hiding today. Ever since he introduced Izaya to his friends Izaya’s life at school changed completely. The four of them having lunch together, roaming around the city and just generally socializing. Izaya is not used to socializing.

Shizuo figures it was only a matter of time before Izaya got burnt out. He doesn’t approve of Izaya ditching class but he really can’t blame him for needing to hide and recharge for a day. But Izaya did send him a message and he is happy he’s reaching out to him.

Shizuo can’t see Izaya sitting in any of the back chairs but he didn’t think he would. Maybe he’s in his evil lair again…?

No, that’s not where Izaya’s scent is coming from. He turns into the bookshelves.

He weaves in and out through the shelves packed with nonfiction slowly. Izaya’s in here and he must know Shizuo is too by now. But he’s hiding. He’s good at hiding but not from Shizuo.

Shizuo slows when he reaches the old court cases, volumes and volumes of books bound in red that all look the same to him. Nostalgia permeates the air as thick as the scent of bitter almonds and even though Shizuo has no idea what books he was reshelving that day so many weeks ago he knows exactly when he needs to stop.

“I can start a war or end one, I can give you the strength of heroes or leave you powerless, I might be snared with a glance, but no force can compel me to stay; What am I?”

The voice through the shelves comes soft but clear.

Shizuo huffs a laugh. What did he say to Izaya the first day they met again…?

“It’s a riddle. Do you give up? Come on, you didn’t even try…”

That’s right. He told Izaya to leave him alone. And Izaya said that he was nothing. But they were both so wrong.

Shizuo turns to look into the red eyes, a shelf below Shizuo’s eye-line, and grins.

“Hey now, let me think about it…” Shizuo whispers back and leans against the shelf in front of him.

“You can start a war with a gang, and end it all on your own.

You can make me strong enough to scale buildings and stand up to my father. You can make me feel weak and powerless against you.

I can catch you, but I could never keep you unless you want me too…”

Izaya’s still looking up at him, eyes shining, and the taunts Shizuo’s expecting never come.

This time, instead of letting this boy stay a mystery, Shizuo does what he should’ve on day one. He pulls the books covering Izaya’s face out of the shelf and drops them and Izaya chokes out a laugh. Now Shizuo can see the high planes of Izaya’s cheekbones, his soft, pink cheeks, the tight and uneven line of Izaya’s mouth…

“Hey…” Izaya’s voice cracks as he breaks their stare to look down at the empty shelf before him. “That’s cheating…”

“But I know the answer this time.” Shizuo says, looking at the way Izaya’s mouth wavers with emotion as he tries to take a breath but what comes out is a sob.

“It’s love.”

This riddle was an easy one. The answer was right in front of him.

Shizuo leans down into the space he’s created to kiss Izaya from the other side of the bookcase.

Shizuo doesn’t know how to kiss and he’s too afraid to ruin it by opening his mouth even if he wants to. So it’s just a simple press of skin to skin with Shizuo’s eyes shut tight.

It’s soft and warm and just as addictive as Shizuo imagined it would be but doesn’t taste as poisonous as he had thought it might. Shizuo can feel another sob catch on Izaya’s lips and he kisses him harder, not wanting to share this small expanse of skin with anything else.

Izaya’s lips are trembling under his and Shizuo slowly pulls back. He didn’t… misread the situation… right?

He opens his eyes to look at Izaya’s expression but Izaya’s eyes are still closed. He’s still leaning forward with his face tilted up as though Shizuo is still kissing him. Like he doesn’t want to let go of the moment. And Shizuo knows he made the right choice.

“Um…” Shizuo’s voice cracks for the first time in two years and he clears his throat before speaking again.

“Do you…?” He glances at the closet, not sure how to say it exactly.

Izaya’s eyes flutter open and those black lashes have Shizuo falling all over again. His eyes are misty but he follows Shizuo’s gaze and still manages a smirk.

“Shizu-chan…” Izaya whispers, sounding almost normal. “Don’t tell me kissing one boy has you rushing for _the closet_ again…” He teases.

“Don’t call me that,” Shizuo replies without thinking. “I… want to hold you.”

Izaya’s gaze is heavy with heat and Shizuo’s words, his lips pulling into that perfectly crooked smile. Shizuo swallows hard and tugs at the suddenly stifling collar of his shirt.

Izaya blinks slowly, like a cat saying “I love you” and leans forward into his side of the shelf.

“Then come and catch me.”

And Shizuo does. When he rounds the bookcase Izaya hasn’t moved an inch to try and run this time. He’s still leaning against that bookshelf with all his weight like he’s relying on it for support. Shizuo walks up to Izaya who turns to look at him, his head tilted back, and places his hands on Izaya’s waist.

“Ah,” Izaya lifts his hands in mock surrender. “You got me.”

“Yeah,” Shizuo rasps and pulls until he tips Izaya’s weight forward to make him fall into his chest. “I did.”

Izaya lets Shizuo take him back into their secret space. The same pink blanket is there but there’s also a pillow that Shizuo has added, plus a few water bottles to make sure Izaya drinks at least if he’s going to hide out all day.

Shizuo kicks some heavy boxes filled with papers to block the door, the kind of boxes a little brat could hide behind, before they tangle together on the floor and Shizuo gets the luxury of weaving his fingers in Izaya’s hair for their second kiss.

Izaya has surprised Shizuo time and time again and no matter how well Shizuo feels as though he knows Izaya, he must not know him at all if he wasn’t expecting yet another surprise.

But really, how was he supposed to know Izaya would be shaking into pleasure beneath him when Shizuo finally got the courage to brush his tongue over Izaya’s lip during their third kiss?

Shizuo had to fix the ensuing embarrassment with more kisses. And by offering a napkin from his packed lunch while he promised not to peek. Because he sure as fuck wasn’t going to let Izaya run after a nice surprise like _that._

They spend hours making up for all the time they spent… well, not being together. And it feels so right Shizuo can’t remember what they were waiting for in the first place.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's finally come to an end. Thank you all so much for reading my first big story!  
> It's not perfect but it's all mine and completely unbetaed so I'm very proud of finishing it.  
> The overwhelming response to this story has been so positive and I am very grateful for all the wonderful reviews I have received. Thank you all for your patience with me.  
> Please keep an eye out for my username in the future.  
> More to come.
> 
> Please check out the tag #bookcase on my tumblr to check out all the awesome fanart people have done for this story, as well as some of my own concept art.  
> This url should take you straight to the tag:  
> http://bad-romance-ships.tumblr.com/tagged/bookcase

**Author's Note:**

> More to come. Thank you for reading.


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